First Things First (or I just need to ramble)

I hope everyone has been having a wonderfully amazing new year. I can't really grasp that a decade has gone by. It is making me feel rather old and rather like I haven't done at all what I was planning on doing. Oh well life surprises you. It isn't that I haven't done anything just that when I looked back on when the decades started and I was 16 I did not see myself here.

The question this brings up is where did I see myself. The answer to this is I have no clue. I have no idea and maybe this is the problem. I think some people just know or they find someone and they muddle it out together. However, I am learning more and more of us are just faking our way through this thing called life and eventually we get something right. I'm still holding my breath on the latter part. I haven't got anything right in a while.

Oh god this post got all depressing. It isn't suppose to be depressing. I'm in that whole retrospective of the year but it is turning into retrospective of the decade and to top it off I'm realizing 30 will be here in no time... Yikes! When did I become a Debbie Downer. Time to turn this post around...

Life is happening at an alarmingly fast pace. I know people always tell you it is going to get faster, but you never understand that. I had a slight cold this week and being as I ignored it has turned into a full blown why are we alive sinus thing. Thus, I am home in bed contemplating life. Which prompted this first of a few or many post this weekend. This post is a little bit of a throw away post and if you read the whole thing, well thanks... I am writing this as as stream of consciousness and maybe will go back and fix things but for now I like the eclipses

Anyways back to what I was saying. What was I saying? The past decade has seen me graduate high school, move to DC, study abroad, travel to 14 countries, graduate college, move to NYC, lose about 75 pounds, run a marathon, and almost finish graduate school. I think more importantly it has been the decade where I have tried to make it on my own and for the most part I have. I have struggled. I am struggling and I will be for a little while longer. Life is hard and sometimes unfair and it is challenging to look at the bright side all the time when you feel a constant barrage of bills and life questions and no one seems to be on your side. How am I suppose to do all this all on my own? I know I have a wonderful family and I love them dearly and they are there for me 100%. I have amazing friends, but there is something to be said for that person who is there duking out the everyday battles with you. Look it turned into a see how it sucks to be single post.. oops. That is not what I'm saying. I don't mind being single. (I know you are all shaking you heads). It is just sometimes in that little second where I'm warming up soup I went and got for myself that I catch myself thinking wouldn't it be nice to have someone to take care of you or just sit on the couch with you. Yeah that would be nice. My job is to take care of a whole family but then I come home to an empty house (well not 100% true I have two fantastic roommates and we adore each other and take care of each other). I'm just tired of... constantly looking for what comes next. I shouldn't do that. I don't know what comes next never will I need to give that up. I'm sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm sick of not understanding what is going on and why things just seem to keep falling apart. I'm sick of not knowing why the guy who seemed so nice and decent who liked me suddenly stopped.

We are all searching for that something be it a person or a passion that completes us. It is exhausting. I don't know why I can't be content with what I have. Why I can't be more like my sisters. They are happy with being ordinary and it isn't that I want to be extraordinary it's just that I think there is something more then the two car garage and the kids. I just don't know what that is. I am envious that they are happy with this life. That at 23 and 26 they are content to define themselves in couples and have kids. I wish I knew how to do that. I wish I knew how to be content. I just never have been. I get wound up and get bored and get let people in. I share everything and nothing at the same time.

I don't have much more to say. If you read this whole thing please don't cringe at who awful I am at grammar. It is a New Year's resolution. I'm going to finally figure out how to write well. Hopefully this blog will improve. Thanks for reading the ramble. I assure you the next post will be much more entertaining and a much quicker read.

New Years Eve

It's New Years Eve and I'm working. Here is the thing. I 100% wanted to work. If I wasn't watching these two kids I would be at home watching movies. This is 100% my choice but the funny thing is that when you choose to be alone on big going out nights everyone feels that they need to make sure you are ok. I am fine. I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact for the first time my staying in is not because I feel lame and don't think I could find plans. I just don't feel like going out. So this New Years Eve I am sitting on a couch watching movies and enjoying some alone time. It is exactly how I want to spend this holiday. Hope everyone else gets to do exactly what they want too.

And I'm Back

Ok so once again I vanished from the internet world. This was mostly due to my lack of a competent machine. I splurged and bought myself a computer that was too expensive but something I totally needed for myself. I didn't use my whole bonus so...

Another reason is I don't really have much going on. I am signed up to run another marathon. I'm enjoying getting back into training. I have a few friends who are running this one and it is in Maine. It is going to be a family weekend. I have at least two Aunts and a gaggle of cousins and my mother and sisters who are going to come. I wish it was sooner.

I may be moving to California for work. I'm not entirely sure if I am going to do this. I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life and not sure if packing up and staying a nanny is really the best thing to do. I guess this is going to force me to make a decision about my life.

Dating has been put on hold. I have to much going on to figure out how to be in a relationship. I don't know sometimes I think that maybe that is a cop out. It is just the last thing I feel like doing is going on a date. At the end of the day I enjoy going out with friend or to the gym. I'm sure eventually I will have it all figured out and some fantastic boy will wander into my life if that is what I want.

So I'm bac and perhaps I will post more often but really who knows. I'm always here but I've pretty much had nothing to say the past few weeks. That is rare.