Sitting Here

I'm sitting in Starbucks thinking I should be working on that 1000 word personal statement about why I like kids.  What am I doing instead looking at facebook and surfing the web.  It isn't productive.  I don't know where my drive has flown of to, but it seems to have migrated south for the winter about two years ago.  How exactly do you get this drive back? I think I know what I want to do, but then I have no desire to actually do it?  Does this mean that maybe this isn't what I want to do?  I thought that when I figured things out well then everything would just fall back into place.  It isn't seeming like that so much.  My drive and desire haven't come back even though I know what I want to do.  That is why I'm just sitting here staring at the computer screen wondering.

What I Want

I constantly say that I am done with dating. That is not true I am not done with dating what I am done with is how we date today. I want to be courted. I want what my grandparents and my mom and stepfather have. I don't think this is old fashioned. I don't think it is a crazy thing to ask for. I think that it is something that all people should want. It is a little mission of mine to bring back dating. Real dating where the people are chaste and it makes the coming together all that more great.

This being said I know I am not going to find my future guy online. I have learned this. I am not going to meet him at a bar either. I should say the online thing I'm sure about. I haven't really ruled out the bar thing. I just know that I would like to meet someone at some point in an organic way. In a way where they actually have to talk to me. Where when they have had enough of me or I've had enough of them we know we have to have a conversation not an email or a text dismissing the other person. I want an organic relationship one that happens one that is not forced one that I fall into. I am not pursuing anyone at the moment. I want to meet my best friend and if we start as friends even better. I don't want to start dating someone because that is what we are suppose to do.

I had this long talk with a friend last night and she kept saying "You so want a boyfriend." I kept saying "No, I don't so want a boyfriend." It is just something everyone talks about all the time. My girlfriends and I are constantly talking about the latest guy. I don't know how to change this. It is like the pursuit of getting a guy is what we have become. It is rather tedious. I've learned that it really isn't worth talking this all out all the time. Rather it is nice to just know what you want and be you. Then just live it. I'm working on it and trusting that what is suppose to happen will happen.

Life is a learning experience and it is a fun ride. I make mistakes but I learn from them and I'm making a home for myself here in the city finally. It's nice to feel like I am finally figuring things out and nice to start feeling at home in my own skin. This is what I'm learning.

Facebook Makes Me Feel Lame

I was clicking through all these post today on Facebook and everyone has amazing summer vacation and travel things up. I have none. Yes, my camera went kaput and I can't buy a new one yet. Still Facebook makes me feel like I lack a life. There have been studies on this. Everyone updates and connects and all that, but it is all show. Well, most of it. Yes, there are the rare status messages of Ugh and wow bad day, but mostly Facebook is a land of shiny happy people. I know this, but still as I contemplate the summer coming to a close, with nary a summer photo of me having a fabulous life in the Hamptons or on some beach some where drinking my sorrows away, I think wow I had a lame summer this year.

It is what it is some summers will be better then others. It is just with everyone posting about all there amazing time well it just makes me feel lame.