Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Being Me

Over the past weekend I had rather a strange evening.  Usually with the strange evenings comes the next day of OMG I meet someone and he was fantastic let me text him now.  You see in the past this would mean the world to me.  This boy would validate this empty part of me that was unsure about who I was what I was doing.  I know I know a guy is never the answer.  I knew this.  I know this.  I am not a woman who has ever gone out of my way for a guy, but I lost my way a couple years ago and NYC and friends made me feel that the only thing that would make this better is if I found someone.  After all, isn't that all that has ever been missing in my life?

However, a stranger thing happened on this strange weekend.  I have no desire/need to hear from this young man.  He is not the answer as a matter of fact he is probably the anti answer.  I don't know what changed. I don't know if it is because I intentionally decided to flirt with the guy I knew had no potential, but I don't think it is.  I have found something that was missing in me.  This sounds so weird, but it is true, for the past few years I have been walking around empty.  Searching for something anything that would make me be better.  Make me feel like I could fit in with everyone.  I thought finding a guy would do this.  I thought not being a nanny would do this.  I thought losing weight would do this.  The thing is nothing did this.  Nothing that I did made me feel better made me get back what I had lost.  The thing in me that made me me.  The emptiness the hollowness was there and wouldn't go away.

The journey was a long one.  It started when I first moved to NYC.  I went on a health journey and lost 100 pounds.  It was amazing to not feel like the fat girl anymore.  However, this didn't fix anything I still felt empty and lost.  Even more so because what I hid behind was gone.  This didn't fix me so now what?

I dropped out of graduate school because it wasn't me.  However, with that I gave up on a dream.  I became a nanny.  I was ashamed of this.  I still have issues with this.  I went on dates trying to explain who I am.  Why do I have to do that? The answer is I don't.  I became consumed with proving to these guys that I was smart.  I don't have to prove this.  I am smart, witty, charming, nice and people like me. The only person I ever need to prove myself to is myself.

However, this all changed for me a few months ago. I am happy to say this.  I have found myself. Life started to make sense again.  I am not afraid to be me.  I have found acceptance of who I am and trust in something that I never really thought I would have ever.  I never thought that this was going to be me.  I never thought I would be writing a blog about how when I started going to church and believing that my life started to change.  It is the truth, though. Three months ago I was lost, scared, tired, and alone.  Today I am none of these things.  Even when I screw up I don't feel lost.  I don't feel scared.  I'm not worried about what people are going to think of me. Life makes sense again.  I finally have learned that being me is a wonderful thing.  I don't know why I ever thought it wouldn't.