Thursday, October 29, 2009

Let's Be Honest....

I can't keep anything to myself and the reason I have this blog is to tell what is going on in my life. I was reading my previous post and that is just stupid. I should get my hopes up and I do want something to come of this secret I'm about to spill. It isn't a big deal and I think that I over react a bit, but hey I'm going to let you all in on my Tuesday night.

My friend from freshmen year moved to NYC recently with his wife. I haven't seen Ben in years. Even when we were in college after freshmen year we kind of drifted apart. When I found out he was moving I sent the required let's get drinks. I hoped we would, but like many things in NYC realized people are busy. Well I had a dinner party recently and invited my friend and his wife. He couldn't come, but we planned last minute drinks on Tuesday. It was great catching up and I am happy to say I have two great new NYC friends.

That was all well and good and everything. The real thing that happened was on the train on the way home. I made the last train to my house and as I was sitting there taking my book out this guy sticks his hand in the door as they are shutting. He started saying my hand is stuck and I was sitting there looking at him like he was an idiot. I was on the better side of 3 glasses of wine and feeling a little talkative and told him he was stupid. He just laughed at me when I said a friend of mine saw someone's limb severed because of what he just did. One thing lead to another and we exchanged info.

The following day I spent debating whether or not to get in touch. He got in touch first. This is great I guess. I asked if he wanted to get a drink sometime. He said sure. How about next week. This is the last I have heard from him. So maybe something will come of this maybe nothing. He is going on a month to 3 month trip to Brazil on the 12th so perhaps I will never see him ever again. Perhaps he will get in touch with me and we will have a fantastic time on one of those days next week.

I am trying really hard to not be me... That doesn't sound right. I just have to remember I am who I am and if who ever meets me does not like the fact that I'm too nice, a little talkative, like to text, and I say stupid things when nervous or when there is silence we won't work out. I often go overboard on all relationships and sometimes I don't think that guys get this. I have this need to please and be friends with everyone. I suck at not letting things go. I don't trust anything and don't think that good things happen to me (in relationships). I constantly over think everything. I am generous. I am optimistic despite everything. I get up every morning and I smile and I'm glad that I am alive. This is who I am. I am totally ok with this and someday I'm sure I will be on the subway and meet that guy who not only text me back, but set up a date for the next day. And I'll have my story and it will be great. Until then I'm happy just dealing with my neurotic self.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Keeping secrets

Ok so I am no good and I mean like people generally have to glue my mouth shut or tell me they don't care to keep me from telling them something. I'm not talking about other people's secrets. I'm talking about something happening to me and I don't want to jinx it or something like that. I try so hard to keep things quiet. I over share. I will own up to that. It is kind of sort of a downfall and has definitely scarred some people away dates and friends.

However, at the moment I am trying to keep something that happened a secret. I have told my inner circle which is surprisingly large. However, I haven't told every person I know and I am blogging about not telling it instead of telling it. I mean that is a start right. We will see if anything comes of this and then perhaps I will let a little something out. I honestly don't think anything will, so I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Running For Love....

Well I promise to write more about my marathon, but really running 26.2 miles over 5 hours and 25 minutes makes for a little bit of a boring post. However, I was just watching the news and there was a story of a women who is running the NYC marathon for love. You heard me right she decided to run 26.2 miles to find someone. It's funny because I ran the marathon for the complete other reason. I needed something to distract me from my search and she is doing it for her search. I was doing it to run away from love (not really true but close to it) and she is doing this crazy thing for the complete other reason. Running to me keeps me from focusing on things that drive me crazy and searching for a mate is one of those.

Yet, after seeing this story I was thinking of joining a running club. I have slacked a little on the running front, but I'll give myself a pass since I just ran a marathon. I plan on hopping back on the treadmill for a short run sometime this week. I'm not running for love I think that would probably make running awful for me. I'm running to drop the last 25-30 pounds and maybe meet some new friends. I didn't really focus on being social until the actual marathon weekend, but now that I'm back and think I made some good friends over that weekend I was thinking that perhaps running for friends isn't that bad of an idea. I need people to run with on Saturdays and I need people who want to do crazy runs like the Emerald Nuts run on New Years Eve in Central park. So after seeing running for love I've decided that why not run for friends. Running is something I love and it is nice to share that with a group of people.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

All By Myself...

It is a rainy Saturday night and I was suppose to be working. I found out this morning that the mom was sick so I didn't have to go in. I was a little sad to be losing out on $200, but did a little happy dance when I realized I had a Saturday night with no obligations and to top it off it is raining. This makes one feel not even a little guilty for staying in on a Saturday.

I'm sitting on the couch right now and watching really awful T.V and really happy. Yet, as always when I am a homebody two weekend nights in a row I feel that little voice in my head that says, "You are missing something." I have zero desire to go out tonight, but at the same time I think if I was out maybe I would meet someone. I don't even really want to meet someone, but as the holidays approach and my mother starts talking about gifts and where my siblings will be spending holidays I feel that little panic. The OMG I have no one again panic. That I only feel when faced with going home for the holidays. It causes severe anxiety as well as emotional outburst through out the months of November and December.

This year will be different. My life is so much different this year. I am happy. I'm not just saying this. Running has changed my life and I am so looking forward to running my first Turkey trot and doing the Emerald Nuts run in Central Park for New Years. There is something that happens when you complete something like a marathon, but even more than that being part of Team in Training was amazing. I still haven't fully taken everything in. TNT raised 14 million dollars for LLS. It was amazing being part of an organization that is doing so much for people who are so sick. I never really thought I would have a truly transformative experience, but there was something about crossing that finish line that changed me.

So this year is different. I feel like I have accomplished things I am a much happier person. I am fine with being on my own. I like not having to worry about checking in with someone or having them check in on me. I don't think I could handle being part of an us. I am just figuring out my stuff so for now being all by myself is a great way to be.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'm A Fricken Maraothoner!!

This will be a super short post. I'll Post more at some point when I am running on more then 3 hours of sleep in two days. I am super happy with myself needless to say. I ran 26.2 miles in 5 hours and 25 minutes. I had to stop and get my ankle taped which sucked a little, but I'm already thinking of what my next race will be :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Other Ramblings of the Single Sister

My sister, my younger sister, got married last Saturday. It was a beautiful amazing ceremony. I had the best time and felt amazing about everything that happened. It was truly an amazing celebration of two families coming together. I met some great new people and looking at picture realized how far I have come. Yet, I have so much farther to go. That's life for you isn't it.

I'm not saying I met someone because I didn't really. I didn't not meet someone either, so well, there is that. However, what I have found is that when I go into something not wanting to meet someone I usually end up meeting someone, but the second I'm like, "Hey, I think I kind of like you," the person vanishes. I have been told it is because I have some dark aura that is blocking romance in my life. Whatever, it is I am kind of feed up with it. It prompted the most recent rambling journal entry which I will now share with you my lovely readers.

This past year I have interacted in a romantic way with more guys then I have ever before. I have tapped into what was missing before and realized hey I am sexy and beautiful. This is great, but because I have not been doing this interaction for many years like most of my peers I feel I'm not that good at it. This isn't really all that true. It seems to me that no one is really good at this dating thing. Putting yourself out there sucks. This forced paring, this feeling that you've done something wrong if you can't pair off sucks. Somehow even in today's enlightened, post feminist age being alone is not something that is really ok.

However, the art of courting has disappeared making it even harder to pair off. We are expected to just fall into a relationship after a few awkward conversations and maybe some bedroom interaction. Relationships are not built so much anymore, but rather stumbled into and if you have the nerve to actually be up front about things you seem controlling. The idea of asking what is going on is foreign. I have often gotten the response, "Why can't we just live in the moment?" There is this special tap dance you are suppose to do and then you both are surprised that you are a couple.

I guess I don't know how to do this. I supposedly come on to strong. I say what I think and want. I guess this is not ok. Showing interest is something you are not suppose to do. I have come to the conclusion that if this is true, well, I don't want to play anymore. I am done showing interest and being nice. I am to tired to even try anymore. Seriously, I'm awesome just the way I am and I am not going to be meek and not say what I want. I'm not hoping into bed with you on the third date and I'm not stumbling into anything. I'm sick of having a great night and then being let down by the email of "you're great I'm just not ready." I'm happily single and perhaps staying that way a lot longer then my mother wants me too.

Things That Come Out of My Head

Someday I will be
I will understand
I won't over think
I'll just be
Someday all this will make sense
I'll understand why
I will be happy
Until then all I can do is try
Each day is a new start
Each day has the potential to be Sunday
One of these days it will be

Why is it that I'm constantly second guessing?
Why do I keep trying?
Why is putting yourself out there so hard?
Is it really worth it?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Brief but Wonderful

I'm running a marathon on Sunday!! I can't believe that it is actually happening! Also my little sister got married and perhaps I meet a holiday hook up. I'll write more about everything soon but for now just now things are going great. I love you readers and have some fun things in my journal that I think you will like.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hold the Phone

Recently I wrote about all the great things that are happening and as everyone knows often that means life is going to test your current state of mind. Test it it did last night. I was having a wonderful evening with my friends when who should walk into the frozen yogurt place I was at the guy who is not so wonderful or amazing. This time I didn't do anything crazy. I did turn a ghostly shade of white. I just was sitting there thinking, "Really world I have lived in the same cities as him (basically parallel lives) for 8 years and never once meet/ran into him and in the course of one month I see him twice?" I realized that after the last horrible incident I never wanted to see him again. I actually wrote in my journal last night why can't he vanish or move far far away.

So I was the bigger person. I am pretty sure he ignored me, but well I just like to make my humiliation more tangible and I went and said hi. I freaked out after I left for like 5 minutes. I woke up this morning fine though. Life is great. Who cares about this guy who is an idiot and doesn't realize how amazing I am? Plus he has way too many girlfriends and not enough guy friends. I think guys like that unless you are gay are strange. I don't know why maybe it is a strange prejudice I have.

The thing is I don't know why he has this affect over me. I have liked guys more then this. I have been best friends with the guys I am crushing on. I'm not even crushing on him. I have this strange thought that we are going to have a When Harry Meet Sallyish type story, but I am by no means holding my breath for that. Life will throw at me what it will. I'm just going to go for a really long run till it disappears.