Tuesday, April 28, 2009

This Wasn't Suppose To Be Like Dating

Yesterday I wrote about how I wish I hadn't emailed the guy for job hunting help. Now that I emailed him back I wish I didn't do that either. Why can't I just let it go? Whatever, it doesn't really matter and is not what this post is about.

Singlutionary commented yesterday about how she thinks flailing for a career is similar to flailing for a man. I couldn't agree more and felt I needed to write more then just a short comment back on the subject. In today's world for some reason we are suppose to know just what we want to do and do it with passion. When we don't know we feel lost. It is similar to the panic you feel over when you find a guy and then lose him or feel like you are never going to find him. What are we to do when we feel like we need both to be a complete person?

It is interesting that Singlutionary brought this up because at the moment I'm reading What Color is Your Parachute about finding the career you will love. The first thing he mentions is that the job hunt is like dating, so you have to get ready for rejection. As I continue my job hunt in this fairly fruitless market I see how right he is. It is like dating and it is also making me feel a little desperate. I know I'm awesome. I know I would do a great job at all of the organizations I have applied to, so why won't they just interview me. I am constantly saying to myself "Don't get down someone will eventually notice you and your wonderfulness and all will be right with the world." However, when you are trying to date and trying to find a job your life can be slightly miserable and you constantly feel like no one wants you.

It's ok though, I have started a few new ventures with friends and figure eventually everything will fall into place. You just have to have a bit of faith and a little bit of courage. It all works out in the end... At least that's what I've been told.

Monday, April 27, 2009

What Exactlly Do You Want From This?

I've been having to ask that question a lot lately. What exactly do you want? Why are you doing this? What do you want to get out of this experience? The answer is usually a shrug of the shoulder and an um. I mean I have no idea what I want out of anything. I tend to talk a good game, but then realize to late that it really is just talk.

I had a fantastic weekend with some amazing girls and it made me realize that maybe I do need to start think of what exactly I want. I mean without a clear picture of anything how do I expect to get anything? Of course with a room of all girls the talk was mostly of boys and dating. However, the question of what exactly do you want came up. I think for me this question goes a lot deeper then what kind of relationship. I think I need to figure out what kind of life I want. A guy would be nice, but if I don't know what I want from life how can I even remotely think of what I need or want from someone else in my life? I think I got my point across. They did get a kick out of the fact that, though, I think one thing I keep scaring guys away with talk of commitment. Then after I talk about commitment, I'm like wait what? oh no I did it again.

What really got me thinking about what exactly do you want is I did seek out the help of a certain someone. He did reply to said email. Which is fantastic, honestly, he is a great contact in the field I'm interested in. However, I was not expecting a response and now that I got one I'm not entirely sure I wanted one. Oh man... What did I do now? The problem is I don't know what I want from this relationship. Why do I keep seeking his help? I don't need him in my life. My life is going fantastic at the moment. Lots of things cooking on the stove and lots of opportunities. I emailed him back tonight. I'm not playing anymore games with this. If I want a friendship emailing him should not be a big deal. It is what it is. If I do get a friendship out of this great. If not well who really cares. I guess I'm actually, dare I say, over him, but at the same time not. Is that even possible?

I know I should not have emailed said person. The fact I have just spent most of the post writing about emailing said person is point enough in itself. I am kind of over him. I am kind of not. I kind of love the idea of him, but maybe not him? I don't know I stopped making sense weeks ago... What is it that I want.....

Friday, April 24, 2009

End of the Week Rewind

I'm not sure why this week was so hard. In reality it was a great and easy, though long, week. I have finally meet a group of nannies that I fit in with. This makes life bearable. I started making myself a priority again, and though I still have a hard time getting a certain someone off my mind I'm moving on. I just would like to thank the people who read this and who comment or not comment for bearing with me this week. I just was in one of my moods. For some reason writing an online journal that people can read helps. Go figure. I was never much of a writer, but well this is working for me.

As you can see I changed the name of my blog. The web address is the same because I don't know how to fix that, but going with the whole I'm happy being single thing, I realized I don't really want a date. I mean dates are great, but I'll just treat myself. I have lots of fun stuff coming up, so May should be a happy posting month. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Those Clothes Do Nothing For You...

Today when I was walking home I spotted a bunch of girls all tarted up. I have always like that word ever since I read Bridget Jones. Not only were these girls all dressed in really short dresses and really high heels they were acting like idiots. As I was watching this display I thought, "Man I hope I don't look like that when I go out." As I was thinking this, I heard a man behind me say to his wife, "Why do girls think clothes will make them beautiful?" I thought this was an interesting question. As I often do I turned and told him so. I didn't linger long, but I did hear his wife say "Well for some people clothes help."

I thought this was a really interesting, and though I'm sure he didn't mean it like this,an insightful question. Do clothes make you beautiful? Can you be beautiful while wearing an old t-shirt and jeans? Do you have to get all tarted up for a man/boy to even notice you? Do they think you are beautiful or just some easy game? It really is an interesting question. We all learn that clothes and appearance don't make the person. We are suppose to know that beauty comes from the inside, but when we watch TV and see shows like Americas Next Top Model we forget this. So, in order to win someone over we dress to the nines and perhaps look a little slutty. But just remember, clothes do not make you beautiful beauty really is a whole different thing. Just watch Beauty and the Beast... There is a great lesson there.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Is this week over?

Well I just have to say that this has been by far one of the longest weeks of my life. How is it that though each week is the exact same amount of time one can feel longer then the other? I just don't get it. Nothing is going badly just nothing is going great. I'm in this super funk and I just can't get out of it. I don't know if it is because I had such a good time in Maine or if it is because I feel trapped in a job that is going nowhere quickly. I guess I just feel like at 26 I thought I would have a lot more going for me.

First of all, I realize I have been kind of doom and gloom all week. I am in general an upbeat, happy, look at the bright side of things person. However, I just am like so ick right now. I guess that makes me want to talk valley girl. I like just don't know what to do. I'm trying to figure out my next move. Should I stay in NYC? Should I move to Maine/NH? Should I just flee the country all together? What the heck do I want to do? Should I finish that masters degree I just can't stand? Ugh....

I'm not sure how I ever even thought I could start a relationship with someone when I am so obviously in flux at the moment. I also have to say I am 100% ok with the non relationship status of my life. I feel like I have to keep saying that to people. Is it because I was so focused on getting said relationship? I realized for the past year or so I have been talking about little else besides getting a guy, once found talking about said guy, and once dumped talking/thinking about said guy for another few months. What the heck happened to me? I was so not that girl three years ago and I am so never going to be this girl again.

So, I have to stop myself from talking just about guys or said losers that I have seen in the past year. I'm done with it. It is a waste of energy. I have hidden my profile on Match and vowed not to set foot on that site for at least two years. I also have joined a kickball league, am starting to go back to my meetups, hopefully starting yoga and going to the gym. My goal is by the end of 2009 to be at my goal weight 150 (only 25 left of about 100) and to have started a job that will lead to a career. This is now out there and thus, means it will be done. I don't want to disappoint.

I have stated taking steps on the career thing. I have found jobs I want to apply to. I bought a book about how to find jobs and get interviews. I know face a problem, however, as Amazing Guy would be a really excellent contact/networking person for me. He has sent me some links in the past, but that was before I super screwed up and sent him that email. I'm just wondering if I email him asking him if he knows anyone in any of the organizations I'm applying to if that is a bad thing. I think I know my answer is don't email him. It would be stupid. If I even think that I'm emailing him for any other reason other then job search related I shouldn't. I'm almost 100% sure he is seeing someone else and I know I made an ass of myself last time I contacted him so that should be that... Oh why can't I just let things go... and so the longest week continues and I still feel in limbo about pretty much everything.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I always wanted to go back... Wait, what?

Yesterday I saw one of the most fantastic movies 17 Again.. First, it was the most cheesiest awesome movie I have seen in a long time. Second, all I need to say is Zac Effron's hair... Third, why hasn't Matthew Perry done more since Friends?

Coming back from my week of awesome vacation has been rough on me. It has been really hard for me to adjust to life back in NYC for some reason. I had a fantastic time at "home" and realized that my life and I have blossomed into someone I am happy to be. However, back at my NYC "home" I'm feeling isolated again. I think it is partly because I feel a little stuck. I am working as a Nanny while I try to figure things out. However, this job is really isolating and I have let a lot of things that make me happy fall to the wayside. Mostly it is because I have little to no time to myself. I work from 7 to 7 and have an 30-45 minute commute there and back.

Anyways, I have been recently thinking about things and how to make myself happier and more whole person. I realized that I cannot be happy in a relationship if I am not 100% satisfied with where I am and who I am. If I'm not my own person the idea of an us consumes me. I think this is what happened recently. I had a life, but not much of one and Amazing Guy came and filled a void. I need to fill that void on my own. I am not someone who needs a guy to complete me or wants a guy to complete me. A romantic relationship, in my opinion, is suppose to add to you. Your partner contributes to helping you achieve your dreams, but you do not depend on them to complete you as a person. I think that because I felt like I had nothing else going for me when I first started seeing Amazing Guy I put all my energy into him. I didn't go crazy. I wasn't texting, emailing, or calling all the time. I did think though, that he was the answer to all the problems. That is the problem. A person is never the answer to your problems.

What does this have to do with 17 Again? What does this have to do with going back? As I said going home was a wake up call for me. I realized that I had a great life. That I had accomplished lots of things. More importantly I realized that I was ok, if not happy, with being single. I realized that there is still a lot of work that I have to do before I could even remotely commit myself to someone. I also realized that going back "home" is not going backwards. If I'm happy there I shouldn't keep myself from being happy because I think that people expect something different from me. I've started applying for some jobs up in New Hampshire and am debating applying to the MSW program at UNE for the fall. I think I need to change things up again and shockingly I think this means going back... I think there is some unfinished business up there. I mean I always wanted to go back, right?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Glutton For Punishment....

Recently I wrote about Amazing Guy. I thought we seemed to hit it off pretty well, but after our 3rd date he sent me an email claiming we are looking for different things and he doesn't want to go down that road. I was/am slightly devastated. He was the first decent guy I had met on Match or just anywhere. I'm not sure what I wanted exactly but I knew I wanted him in my life. I guess I was a little to honest a little to soon. I don't know if I was hurt more by the email, by not knowing what caused this decision (emails/text initiated by him everyday, 2 7-8 hour dates, emails while he was on vacation, this went on for a month), or just by the fact that this meant he wasn't going to be in my life anymore as a makeout partner or otherwise.

The problem now comes to the fact that I was slightly determined that he was going to become my friend. I don't know why we couldn't be friends. We hit it off really well. I mean yes I was still slightly into him, but I have suffered through unrequited love my whole life (um... hello best friend in high school 4 years running). I can turn into the sister/best friend and I'm good at it. I also feel like I'm lacking some 20 something single/non-single but fun friends and males as well. Perhaps I should have realized that this was not going to happen my only question is why. Why would it have been so bad if we were friends? I should say that we may have made it to friends had it not been for a drunk email I sent after being ditched by someone after a long night of having fun. I'm talking 7pm-3:30am and being stranded on the Lower East Side all by myself after said "friend" totally disappeared with a guy. I felt pathetic (not that pathetic because I had just got hit on by 4 guys but still ditched) and thought AG would never do this to me. Why aren't we friends? And then proceeded to tell him the exact same thing in an email at 4:30 in the morning. In this email I also wrote that I was slightly drunk and slightly annoyed.

Yes.... after a whole night of not texting him I did something so much worst and email!!! Argh.... I probably looked like some desperate chic who didn't want to let him go. I honestly just wanted to be friends. Alas, I so screwed this up. Do you think there is anyway that I can salvage something from this wreckage? My best friend told me though this email was maybe to soon and a little strange he couldn't fault me for being honest... Oh man.

Anyways, being that the Internet fuels my flame for finding out things and I did meet him on match I went on match recently. Though, after the last time I'm not going on anymore. I'm joining a sports team or something. I just need to get out there. Ok tangent over. I looked through who had viewed me and he hasn't been on in 2 weeks. I don't know why this affects me. I think it is the idea that he may have found someone, but instead of telling me he was seeing someone else he had more of a connection to he did that whole I don't want to go down that path. Both hurt but I would prefer honesty to trying not to hurt my feelings. I know I may be jumping to conclusions. Perhaps he just got sick of match like I did and has more restraint. Obviously I'm still kind of into him or this wouldn't bother me. I think that I am more into the idea of him or the mystery of what really happened and I can't get it off my mind.

Regardless of what the case is AG is stuck in my head and I just want him out. It's been a month. I met a new/old guy to crush on, but still AG keeps popping back into my head. I think it comes down to when you meet people you connect with you don't want the connection to just be gone. You don't want them to disappear from your life. It is rare that you find someone who you can talk to for hours and have fun with and I missed that. I was hoping that I would find a new group of friends, but instead I found a tiny bit of heartbreak.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Life According to Mitch

I have been debating whether or not to share the philosophy of Mitch, a guy I meet at a bar last week. I'm not sure I want to validate what he says as being true, but like any drunk crazy guy at a bar there is always some merit to what they say. I think the truth that Mitch spoke is in the three types of women, but I'm just not clear as to what exactly it means.

First, I must start off by sharing with you all the amazingness that is Mitch. Mitch is a 28 year old something or other originally from New Orleans. He moved to Portsmouth, NH via Portland, OR. The reason for his move was a gambling problem and a bad relationship. He introduced himself to me by asking me if he smelt like a campfire. When I told him no and asked why he would smell like a campfire, his reply was when I cleaned out the ash tray in my bathroom I started a fire that melted the linoleum. I turned to my friend and told her we had our entertainment for the evening.

Anyways, as the night wore on my friend and I were casing the place trying to find any eligible men. Sadly, most were accompanied by females. Mitch noticed this and then tried to give us dating tips. I told him that I do not go to the men, they come to me. I'm sick of approaching guys. I mean come on is chivalry dead or more accurately when did guys lose their balls? That is another post, however. I have to give Mitch credit for trying to help me. He was also another guy who assumed me and my friend were just out looking to get laid. Again that is another post.

So, this is a snapshot of Mitch. Mitch who was very strange and a little off his rocker also offered up this assessment of women. There are three types of women Sexy, Hot, and Cute. Sexy girls are your type A bitches/sluts. They bang 'em and leave 'em wanting more, but never give it. Hot girls are the girls who know they could be sexy, but don't go around sleeping with everyone. Cute girls are the ones you take home and want to impregnate and have meet your folks. We then asked Mitch what we were. I of course was cute. My friend was hot with a little sexy mixed in. I kind of agreed with this (not his assessment of my friend. Though I think being Hot is compliment. I think she might be Cute/Hot). I feel that Mitch has a good clear idea what women are like and who is who.

My question is what are the guy types? Probably something like Douche, Jock, and Nerd. I would love to hear my readers thoughts on this.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Ah... Life Can Be So Good

I recently mentioned that I took a trip home for my vacation. This trip ended up being exactly what I needed to get out of one of my funks. As I mentioned in my last post I was becoming exhausted with life in general. I was dating guys (one of which was great. Well, maybe two), but they all seemed to not be ready to be in a relationship and I just felt like something was wrong with me. This trip made me realize that nothing is wrong with me. I was just hyper focused on how I was not with anyone. I realized that I don't actually want to be with anyone. That if something happens that is great, but I really have to focus on all the other stuff I have going on.

I was reading on the Singlutionary about match.com. I have to agree with the idea that it was forced dating. I was meeting guys that I would want to be friends with, but for some reason I could never become friends with them. I don't know if making out crosses some line, but we never really did more then that. I was getting frustrated by this form of dating. Every time I got told it wouldn't workout I thought what the heck is wrong with me.

So, I have decided that I am going to just be happy. It is amazing how much just being happy can change everything. Today I got a million compliments on how amazing I looked and I felt great. I guess what they say about taking control of your own happiness is true. You have an option to either be happy with your life or not. When you choose to be happy and choose to look at the bright side it is amazing how many good things actually do happen.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

We all need an Ego Boost....

So, I am currently visiting the small town I hail from in the Northeast. I love it here, but whenever I come home I am automatically reminded of how single I currently am. I have to say that this was starting to bother me, but I realized just the other day how boring my life would be if I was not single and living in a small town. It is for some people. However, if I was living 10 minutes from my parents and had a baby and had to rely on a car to get me anywhere fun (which is like 40 minutes away) I would probably go crazy.

Yet, when I come home I still revert to my lonely high school self. I know I am neither lonely nor in high school, but here I feel both. It doesn't help the situation that last week I had my heart minorly crushed by someone I was totally in like with. So, here I am in my small town feeling slightly less awesome about being this amazing girl who moved to the city. I needed an ego boost big time for many many many reasons and not from my mother or other family members.

Luckily for me being in a small town you run into people you once knew quite often. Even luckier for me I ran into one of my crushes. When we are slightly down and a little out it is always nice to hear the person say "Megan?! I thought that was you... You look amazing.. What are you up to? We should hang out sometime." Coming from someone you pined for as a form fat girl nerd who was always the nice girl and never the girl anyone remotely thought of as cool or fun it just makes you smile. I of course replied "I live in NYC and am working on my graduate degree. You know just living life. I would love to get together and catch up. " Flashed a big smile and was on my way. It was exactly what my ego needed. My slightly bruised is anyone ever going to want me ego is feeling boosted enough tonight to hit the town with another high school friend and flash a smile and hopefully get a free drink.... Ah I love being the swan.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Really that's it?

Ok so I am an admittedly awful blogger. I try people and I promise to try to be better. I just always forget I start these things.

I feel that I need to play a little catch up now on my life. As this says I want a date and I can say I have happily had a few over the course of the past month or so. Three with a fantastic guy and a couple with people who do not even come close to someone I would consider calling back. I honestly thought the three with the fantastic guy was heading somewhere, but alas, I always make it to date 3. This is what today's post is about. What gives?

I'm not entirely sure what happened with this one guy. I did not feel like I came off as needy or that I wanted too much from him. However, after date number 3 I got an email saying we are looking for different things. Oh really and I would just like to know what that is. I can say I'm not surprised. Maybe I projected I don't go on more then three dates or at least I don't expect it. I have standards and I don't put out unless I know I'm the only one you will be sharing your bed with.

I was a little down hearted only because I felt I had hit it off with this guy on lots of levels. I was fine with this not happening, but disappointed that I was losing someone I thought I would be really good friends with. I have attempted to bridge the friend zone with him. I have had a little luck, but so far I think he probably just thinks I want to keep him around. I just would like to know if it is even possible to become friends with someone off of match.com. I also would like to know what it is about me that gets me to date 3 and then nothing. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.