I've been having to ask that question a lot lately. What exactly do you want? Why are you doing this? What do you want to get out of this experience? The answer is usually a shrug of the shoulder and an um. I mean I have no idea what I want out of anything. I tend to talk a good game, but then realize to late that it really is just talk.
I had a fantastic weekend with some amazing girls and it made me realize that maybe I do need to start think of what exactly I want. I mean without a clear picture of anything how do I expect to get anything? Of course with a room of all girls the talk was mostly of boys and dating. However, the question of what exactly do you want came up. I think for me this question goes a lot deeper then what kind of relationship. I think I need to figure out what kind of life I want. A guy would be nice, but if I don't know what I want from life how can I even remotely think of what I need or want from someone else in my life? I think I got my point across. They did get a kick out of the fact that, though, I think one thing I keep scaring guys away with talk of commitment. Then after I talk about commitment, I'm like wait what? oh no I did it again.
What really got me thinking about what exactly do you want is I did seek out the help of a certain someone. He did reply to said email. Which is fantastic, honestly, he is a great contact in the field I'm interested in. However, I was not expecting a response and now that I got one I'm not entirely sure I wanted one. Oh man... What did I do now? The problem is I don't know what I want from this relationship. Why do I keep seeking his help? I don't need him in my life. My life is going fantastic at the moment. Lots of things cooking on the stove and lots of opportunities. I emailed him back tonight. I'm not playing anymore games with this. If I want a friendship emailing him should not be a big deal. It is what it is. If I do get a friendship out of this great. If not well who really cares. I guess I'm actually, dare I say, over him, but at the same time not. Is that even possible?
I know I should not have emailed said person. The fact I have just spent most of the post writing about emailing said person is point enough in itself. I am kind of over him. I am kind of not. I kind of love the idea of him, but maybe not him? I don't know I stopped making sense weeks ago... What is it that I want.....
Ahhhhh. I ask myself the same thing all the time but at this point in my life its about career. I basically just broke up with a long term career and now I feel like I am flailing about not knowing what to do without it.
ReplyDeleteIts interesting because flailing about over a guy feels pretty much the same as flailing about over a job. Flailing is the problem but if I weren't flailing, I wouldn't be living, right? There are periods in our lives when we flail and I think that doing so guarantees that we want to live a life worth living. So its a good sign!
I'm trying to shift it back to the career part. I pretty much flail over everything. I think that is an accurate description. I would much rather be flailing over a career then over a guy. The career is much more interesting and much more important. The guy you can live without.
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