Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It's the Little Things

As most of my readers know I have been training for a marathon with Team In Training. The marathon is only 19 days away!! This means that I have just one more long run and then in two weeks I will be running 26.2 miles!!! I can't really believe that I have made it this far, but run that marathon I will even if I have to crawl across the finish line.

It is weird to think back to 6 months ago when I was dating someone I thought was amazing. Then he told me he didn't want to go down that road and I thought WTF? That made me take a good hard look at my life and realized oh wait I don't have a life. I am all talk and have no idea what I want to do. I think I will run that marathon I keep talking about.

You know what happened during this six month period? I learned how amazing some people are and I also cut a lot of people out of my life. I learned to put myself first. I learned how much I love to run. How my life falls apart when I don't run at least 4 miles 4 times a week. I didn't realize how much this was crucial for my life. I learned that people will surprise you. That the ones that are negative are really not worth having in your life. Most of all I learned that you just have to keep running forward because there is always a downhill to make the uphill totally worth it.

I have come a really long way in the past six months. You can't really tell from this blog because I tend to be a little sporadic at keeping up with it. However, looking at when I started it in February when it was titled "Megs Wants A Date" to now where it is "Megs Life is Great". I think right there you can see the change that has happened. At first it was just a title change. I was very much still focused on the whole single thing and the whole boy thing. Somehow in the past few months everything has changed. I think I am kind of back to the me I use to be with all the good things of the NYC Meg mixed in.

I'm not sure what brought this on, but I'm slowly learning to just go with it. I had an out pouring of support in donations this week. I almost beat Brick on my Black Berry and my job is going great. I made an amazing dinner last night and I was home by 7 today too. It really is the little things and I am just so happy I have finally realized that you should pay attention to them.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Want Vs. Need

I have come to the conclusion that I may actually want a boyfriend. I think that before now I felt like I needed a boyfriend. This is not true. This isn't even remotely true. I do not need a boyfriend. I can do everything I have been doing and be happy all by myself. I think that I lost track of that a couple years back and felt that I needed a boyfriend to make everything make sense.

I now know that boyfriends do not really do that even a little bit. Going into a relationship is hard work. If anything it complicates life. Why do you need that? Being in a relationship is something you should want. You shouldn't ever need another person to make your life complete ever.

What I have decided I want isn't anything serious. I want to be someone's something, but not their everything. I would like that person to be my something, but not my everything. Just someone to sit around with on a rainy day and watch bad movies. I want to feel that connection with a guy. I want to feel wanted not just for a hot second, but for a while. It doesn't have to be forever, but just to know that there is someone out there that would like to see me more then once a week. Who likes my company and wants to know what I have to say.

I don't need these things. My life is going fairly great right now. I've made some decisions on what I want to do and have been making new friends. I'm getting a raise next month and I got healthy insurance. A boyfriend or whatever it is that comes into my life is not going to make any of these things better or worst. It will be it's own thing.

Before I was going into every date/interaction with a guy like this would be it. This guy would make everything better. He is just what I'm looking for. This guy will make everything better. I believe we are taught this growing up. We meet someone and they complete us and we have nothing else to worry about. When we have found that person that will provide for us and us for them then life is just easy. This is a little bit of a fairytale and really just not worth it. If you can't be a complete person on your own why would you be good for anyone?

I'm not sure what has changed. I just know that I don't need anything anymore. You know that feels great.

I Hate the Internet

I hate the internet. Facebook and Twitter make me crazy. I can't stop going on them. I know way to much about people. I just want to have an actual relationship with someone yet the internet makes me crazy. That is all... I just hate the internet.

Monday, September 14, 2009

In Other News

I am seriously thinking of applying to OT programs. I am thinking of working early intervention with kids and their families. I'm still going to submit my application for Mental Health Counseling but OT sounds like something I would love.

Eventually I'll Get It Right

Last night I was laying in bed unable to sleep. A thought just kept going over and over in my head and I just was frustrated with myself. A couple post ago I wrote about the most recent guy and how I wasn't really sure how to go about this. Well I messaged him on Facebook which I find kind of lame but I'm impatient and really just wanted to um see him again... The only thing is my messaged was ignored. I'm usually fairly heartbroken and see this as some sign that there is something wrong with me. Luckily in this case I do not think anything of the sort. It kind of surprises me. I'm not going to say he hasn't become one of my daily twitter looks or facebooks but I really don't care all that much what happens. I just hate being ignored, but more then this I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I couldn't just tell him exactly what I wanted in that message.

Let's start at the beginning kind of. I meet this guy we hooked up awkwardness ensued when he couldn't um seal the deal. I have verbal diarrhea at this point and say something stupid like you know I like you. I realize not the right time to say this. I meant like I think your nice not I want you to be my boyfriend. A quick yeah so see you around and out the door I went 20 minutes later. A week later I friend him on facebook. Then talking to some friends I think hey maybe I'll message him. My message was just simple just saying how I think we should hang out sometime. I got nothing back. Lame...

Here is where I'm kind of kicking myself because, honestly, I really wanted to write him something totally different. All my friends however, told me that I would look desperate. Yet, I mean if I'm never going to see him again do I care if I look desperate? Why couldn't I have just sent the message I wanted? What am I so afraid of?

What I wanted to write was
I had fun the other night. Would you like to go to the movies sometime and give it another shot?

What I wrote:
When I your stand up show? I could really use a laugh. We should hang out sometime since we both live in Queens. Hope you are having a good week.

Well anyways. It was another attempt at something and all I can do is keep trying. Eventually I'll get this dating thing right.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

You are Magic

One day you will open your eyes and just know what to do. Someday everything will make sense. That's the perfect day, so open your eyes or you may miss it.

Life is to be lived. You can't hide behind your fears or you will miss your chance. You don't get many second chances. So open your eyes! Open your eyes or you will miss it.

Don't think just do. Just go with it and learn to appreciate what you have and you will be much happier with your life. Trust your self and you won't go wrong. YOU ARE MAGIC.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Man O, Man

Oh blog how I love the, but how I neglect you so. I have been using the paper kind of journal for a few weeks now and jotting things down that I want to write about. Then I get home from a 12 hour day and a 2 hour run and just can't bring myself to type. Yet, I feel obligated to fill my wonderful readers in on all the stuff that is going on in my life and as the title says some stuff has been going on in my life. Man O, Man

Let's first begin with the mundane. I am getting health insurance!! This is like the most fantastic news yet. I have not been in the land of insured for about a year. I still have a few weeks to go but the first of the month I will be able to break things and get sick and not worry about how I'm going to pay for everything. Yeah!! This is beyond awesome and even more awesome my employer is paying for it!! Thankfully because I can not afford $400 a month on my own.

Second mundane thing that has happened is I got contacts. Which some how has blossomed me into someone who is gorgeous. I think that my under eye circles are more noticeable. This means I'm wearing makeup and I think this is really what has happened not the removal of glasses. Whatever it is I feel better and can see much better. My glasses were almost 4 years old and scratched really badly.

Third slightly less mundane happening is that I have begun to apply for a graduate program. I'm having some trouble nailing down my recommendations and coming up with a statement of purpose. I am excited to be applying to a program I actually want to be part of. I'm hoping I get in and that my life doesn't feel as stalled as it has been. This goes hand in hand with the program that I'm volunteering with. Somehow I became the grant writer. I feel a little bit screwed because I have a month and half to find money to run the program. Please send me ideas!

The fourth thing that happened is that well I kind of sort of meet someone. I meet him we hooked up and added each other as friends on facebook. I've decided that I want something casual. My mom says I should have a practice boyfriend and this guy fits the bill. I'm just not sure how to pursue this part. He is funny, and sweet, and adorable. I would like to pursue something very not serious with him. I'm just bad at the pursuing part because that's where I lose all my confidence. I over think and second guess myself way too much. The idea of someone saying no to me scares the bejesus out of me. However, I should just do it. The question is have I waited to long? It's been about a week and half. We didn't exchange numbers but we have close mutual friends.

Also I ran into that guy I use to call as awesome and he ignored my presence in fact turned around. That was slightly crushing, but totally necessary. I went a little crazy. It was pretty bad, but I think that is more just the week I had and my body just couldn't adjust to everything. I was having major processing overload.

So my life is going a little crazy. I'm trying to go out of my way and do different things. I am debating emailing the guy and saying hey we should hang out sometime. I just don't want to come across as a creepster or a crazy. There I go over thinking. That's my life in a nutshell. I'll write more about one thing or another soon.