Tuesday, March 30, 2010


There are many things that I am about to be embarking on. I usually am not that afraid of starting new projects. However, I usually start projects that I'm only about 70-80% passionate about and that I am either fairly sure I will either be successful at it or not really care if I'm not. Part of this is that I'm terified to do what I really want to do and fail at it. Yet, in this day and age it seems like just being eh about what you do isn't really all that great. I made a vow to myself that if I ever looked miserable when I was going to work then I would not do that anymore. Well I guess the time has come to put my passion to work for me. I'm keeping semi mum about what I will be doing because well I don't want anyone stealing my idea and I don't want to jinx myself.

The other jump I want to address is the one that comes from my over analysis of things. Erik made an excellent points with his comment about putting yourself out there. Taking action instead of just sitting and hoping the other person will make the first move or get the hint. The only problem is that I think we all have a crippling fear of rejection. I would like to say I will take this plunge and tell the person I currently like that I like him instead of playing games. However, I don't want to hear the words "I am just not ready" or "I don't feel the same way, but you are a great girl." I know this is a cowardly thing to do and I'll never really find what I'm looking for in a personal relationship if I don't put myself out there like this. Who knows if I move closer maybe I will put myself out there, but for now I'm just going to occasionally remind him I exist. When the time is right I'll take the plunge, and hopefully the timing will be right soon. If not I guess I'll have learned my lesson and say to heck with timing on the next one.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

So There's That

We all know I had the non date date with Austrian Guy while I was on vacation. It wasn't even a little bit akward. I opened with the fact that Rick the Homeless man who gets 500 dollars in April from some man offered to marry me. Austrian Guy had never heard of this happening to anyone before. I informed him it happens to me all the time. I told him I'm a catch, but only homeless men seem to know this. Then we proceed to go look at impresionst paintings, and respectively we were both witty. We got some good laughs out of the whole thing. Then instead of getting a drink I said why don't we go for a walk around the Cherry Blossoms. We shared some stories and it was a very nice time. I had to run off to dinner with my best friend at 7, but really longer the 3 hours probably would have been to long. We hugged goodbye and then talked for another 15 minutes. I guess that is a good sign.

However, I am more confused now then I was before we had our non date. I texted him the following day, but he had made plans already. We promised to keep in touch, but I was just not sure how we would do this. We had some funny conversations on our get together and today I saw something that I thought perhaps he would find funny so I texted him. For the record I hate texting boys even ones I had non dates with who seem semi interested. I worry that they think I'm becoming this clingy girl, but he texted right back with a very amusing response. We continued to text for the next 3 hours here is my favorite text:

Austrian Guy: I'm in the elevator with a lady who is asking me if I'm Russian. This is the second time she has asked me this
Me: I'm pretending to be Jewish and pretending today is Passover.
Austrian Guy: I'm doing laundry in a tight black shirt that says "Sex, Crime, Money" (my friend bought it for me because he thought it was funny). You should see the looks I'm getting from the neighbors. Hilarious.
Me: No wonder they think you are Russian

I don't know what is going on here. I guess we are friends? I mean I live 4 hours away and I probably wont be seeing him anytime soon. He is still slightly hung up on his ex girlfriend so all and all I guess what we have going is better then me being the rebound. However, I kind of feel like I am the rebound. Can you be a long distance rebound? Was this flirty texting? Does it ever work out if you are the rebound? What do you all think of this?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Time May Change Me

I'm thinking that a move is in order and I think I may pursue my dream of starting something I have always wanted to do. This is freaking me out but I've been treading water in NYC and I just don't think it is working for me anymore. It is time for me to do what I want to do and this freaks me out a little, but when we look back on life you don't really want to have regrets. I'm just nervous because what I am going to be doing is nothing that I have studied or ever really thought I would do. I get worried because I am afraid of taking this chance and often get discouraged, but my friend and I have a plan and it is going to work because when you really want something it will happen.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Bit Of Something Awesome

I love pretty much anything these girls do. YouTube them they rock.

To Text or not to Text...

So all I had a fantastic day today in DC and have come to the conclusion that NYC is no longer the right place for me. DC may not be the right place for me either, but after being in DC something felt so much more right. I don't know if that makes sense but things seem so much more settled here then in NYC. I realized there is a life and a good life for me to come back to. Whenever I think of DC I think of the bad part not the good part. I don't remember the awesome people and the fact that this city is so beautiful.

Anyways today was also the non date date. I meet Austrian Boy at the Corcoran Art Gallery and he was very handsome. He bought us tickets. There was not much of awkwardness at all. We had an hour to tour the gallery and it was amazing. Then we had an option of grabbing a drink, but I said it is so nice out why don't we walk. We walked around the monuments and the cherry blossoms and then he walked me to the metro. I had a dinner with my best friend planned so...

Anyways now I don't know what to do. I think it was a date but it might not have been one. My friends husband told me I should have invited him to dinner. Then said I should text him and apologize not inviting him to dinner but I thought that would be weird. I think I like him. I wish I lived closer. Do I text or email a thank you? Do I invite him out on Friday night? What the heck did I just do?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Wine is evil...

Last night I went to a wonderful comedy show and then out with my best friend. I think we consumed a bottle and half of wine each. Wine is not a fun thing to be hungover with. Wine also is the worst alcoholic beverage for me to consume. It makes me be um not me. I despise this. I try to stay away from drinking, but sometimes you want break from life and just one glass wont hurt. Then the comedy show requires you to get two ridiculously priced drinks or you can just get a bottle of wine which is about the same price as two of those drinks. Then your friend says lets go to that bar next door you have plenty of time to pack. Then three hours later and three more glasses of wine you are sitting in the back of the taxi tweeting something about the guy you try not to think about and actually using his name (not that it matters as he doesn't actually have anything to do with you anymore). I woke up 7 hours later deleted the tweet (at least it wasn't an email?) and head off on vacation swearing as I always do that I will not drink ever again...

Um does this make sense?

I'm applying to Hunter College for their counseling program and have to write a personal statement. Here is what they say I have to write:
"Please write a statement of purpose of approximately 500 words (750 for Studio Art and Playwriting Applicants) indicating your objectives in undertaking graduate study."

Here is what I have written:
Have you ever sat down and meditated on what you want and who you want to be? It is a skill many try to master, but often we get caught up in pleasing others. We crave the approval of our parents and our friends often keeping us from pursuing our dreams. This is what happened to me. I was caught up in living the dreams other people and I forgot what I wanted to do.
Sixteen years ago I had a dream of becoming a counselor to adolescents just like me. I wanted to help other teens with eating disorders and broken families realize that they were not alone. However, instead of pursuing this dream I was lured to another field. I was happy with this field. I was sure that I wanted to be in politics and become a lawyer. This would prove to everyone how worthy I was and how smart. Yet, my heart wasn’t in it and after a year as a legal assistant and a few years at graduate school I could not continue to live someone else’s dream for me. It was time for me to figure out what I wanted to be.
After a few years of time off, focusing on who I am, I realized that I am the happiest when I am helping other people with their problems. Over the years I have worked as an adviser to high school and college students and find that working in this capacity has made me the happiest. During this time I was also able to focus on the issues that I have with food. I worked hard and managed to lose seventy pounds and as I began to look at what I want to do in the future I realized that I wanted to meld these two worlds together. I realized that my desire to help adolescents melds well with my passion of living a healthy and whole life. This is why I have decided to pursue a career in counseling and hope that someday I will be able to have a positive effect on how people see themselves and the world around them.

Does this make sense or do I need to go back to the drawing board? I hate applying to schools...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Saga Continues

So the day is drawing closer to my vacation and tentative plans have been made with Facebook Boyfriend. The question now is is it a date and what do I wear? I am going into it like it is most likely a date, but now to get your advice.

He emailed me today with a suggestion of meeting at the hotel he manages and he would bring me to the rooftop. This hotel is one of the best hotels in DC let alone the world and people pay good money to get on top of this roof.
This is pretty much what I will be seeing granted with less green but about this time of day. Then we are going to grab a drink. I mean that is pretty date like to me. I want it to be a date. Is it crazy to want it to be a date? This is going to be either really awkward or really awesome.

Now on to wardrobe I plan on wearing this top
With my jeggings, yes I own a pair of jeggings and a blazer. Maybe the necklace and the ring, but probably just the ring. I'll go lighter on the eye makeup and wear a darker lip. Thoughts?

Anyways this is the most recent update. I'll add the next chapter when I have time to write about it. Wish me luck :)

Monday, March 8, 2010

My Facebook Boyfriend

Recently I've been addicted for Facebook. It isn't for the procrastination reasons or to keep up with friends. Somehow since December I've been having a Facebook relationship. I have started chatting with this guy I know who lives in DC and almost everyday we have some sort of interaction. Sometimes I initiate it sometimes he does. I feel lonely and upset if I don't hear from him.

I have written about this briefly before. I met Austrian boy in 2006 when I was working at an immigration law firm. The first day I saw him I kind of fell in love with him. He is sweet and from one of my most favorite places in the whole world. The first time I went to Austria I feel in love with it. When I moved to NYC we kind of said we would keep in touch. We didn't. He added me to facebook at some point in the past few years. I remember getting the request and looking at his profile and just smiling about that cute Austrian guy I once knew. He had a girlfriend and lived in DC so basically you know just fun to see he remembered me.

Anyways in December he liked one of my statuses. I thought that was interesting. I then went and checked out his profile. He had broken up with his girlfriend. I also thought why not comment on something. Thus, the cycle began. Almost everyday since December, unless one of us in on vacation, we have liked/commented/messaged each other. I get sad if I don't have something from him on my Facebook notifications. My friends and I have now started calling this my Facebook relationship or as I like to say we are each other's nothing. He is filling a void and I like the attention. I'm not sure what is going on really. It would be one thing if we actually knew each other but we don't. Facebook is confusing me. I don't know what to do. I find that if I have a bad day I need to post something so he will cheer me up and if he is having a bad day I have to cheer him up. If I go for a long run I like to get a message from him saying good job. He emailed me after he ran his race and gave me a blow by blow and told me he thought about what I said. Ending that we should keep in touch. I just want to be like dude I'm falling in like with you. I don't even know you.

Hopefully if all goes as planned we will be meeting at some point in 2 weeks. I don't really know what is going on. I think that at the very least we will be friends. He is still fairly devastated at the break up of his last relationship. I just want to know if we actually get along. I'm not sure if I like the social networking thing. I want a real boyfriend. A part of me is crossing my fingers that this happens... You know stranger things have happened. Just putting it out there. I would like to actually date Austrian boy even though he lives in DC and even if it doesn't change anything all that much.