Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lalala lala Life is Wonderful.... Jason Marz

This week has been fairly awesome. I just have really started to take pleasure in the small things that I have been doing. Maybe this is because I finally started Yoga or maybe it is just because I have realized that life is to short to worry about what is going to happen. Whatever happens is going to happen and all I can do is actively seek things that bring good things into my life. I have known this for a long time, but I am just starting to really accept this way of life. It isn't worth worrying what someone thinks or why they aren't in your life because life is too short. There is so much to be grateful for that it just doesn't make sense to sit and worry about all the things that are going wrong.

I have to say losing my Iphone was probably the key to this revelation. If it hadn't been for this I would not have let out all the stuff that I was keeping bottled up and would not be ready to move on. The last month I have just felt like something was crushing me and all I wanted to do was cry and on occasions I was that girl walking down the streets of New York crying. Once I let go of those things I think I was able to focus on the larger picture.

I know I am ready to move on with my career and my life. I just have to be patient and allow myself to see all the opportunities and amazing people that surround me. I have to appreciate where I am because it is going to get me to where I am going. Life is wonderful; you just have to open up your eyes, stop, and enjoy it.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Ah Life...

I just reread the my post from last night. I'm not wallowing. I totally thought I was going to wallow. Whatever, life is what it is and it is rather sad that I was so attached to a phone. I have been having a great weekend. I'll post more about it later. Besides for the blip of the phone falling out of my bag everything is going great and I start Kickball in two weeks. So excited!! :)

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Why Does Stuff Keep Happening To Me?

I am currently slightly inebriated and watching Love Actually and thinking how much my life sucks. Not that I have a sucky life, but just lots of sucky things constantly happen to me. Why is it on the day that I am feeling happy about myself that I lose my $200 iphone? Why is it that the day I have decided not to contact the boy that I lose everything. It is like everything that can go wrong often does. I just don't get it. I am an awesome amazing person, yet nothing ever seems to go my way. Oh well, right? Perhaps someone will have a stroke of kindness and I will get my phone back. Until then I will sit an read Harry Potter and wallow in self pity for a day or two.

Eventually something will go my way, right?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Where is the Pause Button?

I have been super busy for the past few weeks and 100% unable to process anything. I have figured out what I want to do and have tried to keep focused on that but half the time I wonder if it really is what I want to do. I feel like a ball of nerves and all I want to do is cry... When does this get better? Is there a pause button on life? I need a break.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm Tired of Waiting

I feel the need to write about my favorite show this week, How I Meet Your Mother. This weeks episode had Ted, male version of me, in a chance meeting with his ex Stella and her now boyfriend. Hilarity and self growth ensue. At the end of the Episode Ted says to Stella "I want what you have, but I'm tired of waiting." Being that I am exactly like Ted I wanted to be like, "Dude where are you? I'm coming." I know, I know, he is a fictional character, but a girl can dream.

I'm not looking all that hard. I am waiting and it feels like I have been waiting for years and years. I'm not sure if it will ever come. This great love I'm looking for, and maybe I am setting myself up for being alone since I won't settle for anything less. I've seen so many great loves in my family that I don't think I could settle for anything less. When you know what's out there you just know you can't settle. It isn't fair to you or the person you are settling for. I am ok with being alone. I know it is a choice I am making because I would rather be alone and happy then in a relationship I know is not amazing. So, as much as I'm tired of waiting and often doubt why I am waiting and what I am waiting for. I will wait longer and cultivate my life because in the end the best and most amazing relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Letting Go Is So Not My Thing

I've been trying really, really hard to let go of things. It has kept me from being positive in the past, but at the moment it seems to be keeping me a little stuck. As much as I say to myself I have no control of said person or situation I just keep dwelling on it. I say I'm not going to talk about it or write about it and then I find myself going on a 20 minute tirade about said topic. Aw man... I mean when I say I know I have no control and I've let go, it's true, well kind of. I know this I have no hope of what I want in my head to happen to actually happen, but I can't seem to get my head to remember this on a daily basis. It doesn't help that I have been having vivid dreams about all this stuff as well.

The problem is every time I start to be like oh well that guy was nice maybe we will run into each other someday, I come up with something he can help me with. Now in my opinion any normal guy who has said that he thinks we want different things would not respond to my emails. What does this guy do? He sends me links and names and encouragement. Why could he not just be a dickhead and ignore me? Then I would just feel like a loser for a day and move on. No, he keeps sending me responses and my little heart says well maybe if I keep doing this he'll realize.... What I should do is never contact him again and I totally would do that. (Here I go making excuses to keep him in my life) Except for the fact that he is friends with the director of the graduate program I am applying to and has offered to be a reference. I am not turning that down. I just want to know if this is normal? Do most guys do this kind of thing for a girl they dated for a month? I mean come on it kind of seems to be above and beyond the call of an acquaintance. I'm not going to knock it. it is helping me and in fact got my life going in the right direction. I just don't understand why he will go out of his way and help me with this stuff (I knew he was nice but come on) and yet we can't just hang out as friends.

Anyways I responded to his last email with a thanks and I'll let you know when I get in touch with this guy. Would I love it if he randomly emailed me? Yes. Do I need him to? No. Do I need him in my life? No. My life is pretty perfect without him. It is better because I meet him. He was the kick in the butt I needed to get my life back on track and he was surprisingly an excellent connection to get said life back on track. Maybe someday I'll run into him and I'll be able to thank him in person, but for now I'm content with our little email relationship and happy knowing that I have come along way from the girl he meet three months ago. So, maybe I have kind of let go?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Dream Is Being Tweaked....

Well today I can say I'm still in pursuit of my dream but realized that it needed a little tweaking. I'm applying to a counseling program and am going to focus on youth and hopefully if all goes right teens with eating disorders. I am still pursuing the green whole life but realized that I truly have a passion for helping teen girls who have eating disorders. I was one of those girls. I am still one of those girls and there is such a need for girls who have the other eating disorder, the skinny eating disorders black sheep sibling, that there are people who know what they are going through. I'm realizing what I really want to do and taking steps to live me dream. It is kind of liberating...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Unexpected Changes

Well,today was an interesting day. I had the whole day off. This is very rare and when it happens I usually like to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. However, today I ceased my weekday off and got some side business and some life things done. It was all together a rewarding day, yet I'm very scared at the road a head of me. I've pretty much decided to take my life in a different direction than I ever dreamed about and this scares the crap out of me.

I think the journey to get me to this path came about two year ago when I started doing holistic nutrition. This focuses on the whole mind/body approach to wellness. Which is pretty much a no brainer in my head. Of course when the mind is sick the body is sick as well. Everything is connected and all that good stuff. Anyways I started opening myself up to opportunities that I probably would have never seen if I wasn't where I am at.

I'm starting my own business and pretty sure that I am going to go and become and integrative nutritionist. Both things combine passions of mine to live a whole complete life and to help people. I'm opening myself up to the possibility that life is not what I expected it to be and learning to let go of old dreams and let new ones blossom.

It is a strange thing letting go. It is really hard for me and as I was talking to my mother today I almost started to cry in the bookstore. I have held on to this belief of what I am suppose to be for so long that letting it go is so hard. It has been a process that started when I moved to NYC, but really realizing it and letting what I know in my heart to be true and letting go of the ideas I had for my life is so hard. I know that I will not be happy until I can fully recognize what I am becoming and what is right for me. It is just hard to accept that life has other plans then the one I was working on (even if that one wasn't working for me). I know that I am passionate about health and wellness and getting people to recognize what we put in our body matters. I think I have started to discover the path I am suppose to go on. It just isn't the path I thought I was going to be taking and it is freaking me out just a little.

Ok so that was a heavier post then I was expecting to write. Hope everyone had a wonderful Monday.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Wait, What? I have a life

A funny thing happened last week when I decided that boys should no longer take up copious amounts of my time, I discovered I have an amazingly busy and awesome life. Wow, go figure. This also kept me away from blogging for a bit. It is funny when you realize you have been too busy to care about the stuff that was keeping you down you actually start enjoying yourself. Yes, I thought about you know who a little much last week. However, a lot less then I was and I realized that well if he ever does come back into my life, my life is going to be great without him he is just a added bonus. For that matter if anyone comes into my life that is going to be just a bonus.

I stopped turning down outings and started acting like my old self again. I forgot how much fun that actually can be. I am putting myself first. If I don't who will? Just that change of mentality changed pretty much everything. I have discovered when you stop talking about so and so and start not really caring your life does become way better. Here is to having a life and enjoying said life. It's bound to create some fun things to blog about.