I've been trying really, really hard to let go of things. It has kept me from being positive in the past, but at the moment it seems to be keeping me a little stuck. As much as I say to myself I have no control of said person or situation I just keep dwelling on it. I say I'm not going to talk about it or write about it and then I find myself going on a 20 minute tirade about said topic. Aw man... I mean when I say I know I have no control and I've let go, it's true, well kind of. I know this I have no hope of what I want in my head to happen to actually happen, but I can't seem to get my head to remember this on a daily basis. It doesn't help that I have been having vivid dreams about all this stuff as well.
The problem is every time I start to be like oh well that guy was nice maybe we will run into each other someday, I come up with something he can help me with. Now in my opinion any normal guy who has said that he thinks we want different things would not respond to my emails. What does this guy do? He sends me links and names and encouragement. Why could he not just be a dickhead and ignore me? Then I would just feel like a loser for a day and move on. No, he keeps sending me responses and my little heart says well maybe if I keep doing this he'll realize.... What I should do is never contact him again and I totally would do that. (Here I go making excuses to keep him in my life) Except for the fact that he is friends with the director of the graduate program I am applying to and has offered to be a reference. I am not turning that down. I just want to know if this is normal? Do most guys do this kind of thing for a girl they dated for a month? I mean come on it kind of seems to be above and beyond the call of an acquaintance. I'm not going to knock it. it is helping me and in fact got my life going in the right direction. I just don't understand why he will go out of his way and help me with this stuff (I knew he was nice but come on) and yet we can't just hang out as friends.
Anyways I responded to his last email with a thanks and I'll let you know when I get in touch with this guy. Would I love it if he randomly emailed me? Yes. Do I need him to? No. Do I need him in my life? No. My life is pretty perfect without him. It is better because I meet him. He was the kick in the butt I needed to get my life back on track and he was surprisingly an excellent connection to get said life back on track. Maybe someday I'll run into him and I'll be able to thank him in person, but for now I'm content with our little email relationship and happy knowing that I have come along way from the girl he meet three months ago. So, maybe I have kind of let go?
I am terrible at letting go. So, I've stopped pretending and just let it happen. I've found that I am not good with "sort of" contact with boys, I want it all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a sweetheart - it's awesome that you've got some new job contacts that's priceless!
I'm finding that I want all or nothing to kind of. I'm happy with the help he is giving me. It is awesome and it was the kick in the pants I needed to get my life back on track. I don't want like a lovey dovey relationship. I would just really like to have a friendship with him. I know this wont happen and I can proudly say I have stopped hoping to run in to him on ever subway car I get on. I'm just going to go ahead and use him for what he is worth to me and hopefully that means a job.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time letting go too. time helps. but when I see the person again, even if its been years, it all comes flooding back to me. that is why going to visit my hometown is so traumatic for me . . . too many ghosts of relationships living there. I think that when you love someone you love them for life. what i've come to accept recently is that it is possible to love someone and not be in touch with them and it is possible to enjoy remembering them without engaging. because life is too full in the present to keep up with everyone from the past.
ReplyDeleteI didn't used to think this way. I was the one who always kept in touch with everyone but as time has gone on, its just become too many people and I've given up.