Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why Can't I Move On?

It has been over a year... Way over a year. I went out with this guy for a month and half. A tiny little blip in time in the grand scheme of my life. Still... Still... Still... I want to bump into him on the street. Still I want to be friends with him. I want to be part of his life in some way. The idea that I will never see him again leaves me anxious. I know it is crazy. I have said I don't understand it. There have been other guys. Heck I just screwed up with another guy and already I don't care about that one.

Why is this? I'm a romantic but I am also a pragmatist. I know that life is not a fairytale. I don't think that I will be walking on the street and he will see me and be like "Wow, Megan? How have you been?" Then we will be friends. I wish that would happen, but I don't believe it will and I'm truly fine with it never happening. Still part of me feels like I missed something with him. Oh well... I'm still trying to move on. What's the deal with that?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Oh Man

I was just re reading some post from March Austrian Boy month and I can say nothing has really changed there. We don't text and Facebook as much. I think we both kind of realize that it isn't really worth it. I don't know. I posted how I messaged him last Friday after my humiliation. I think I need to expand on this. He was idle on Facebook before my friend Adam could disuade me from sending him anything I messaged him
"Hey I know you are busy on vacation but part of me wishes you were online. I had a really bad night and for some reason you always make me smile."

I think this pretty much cements the fact that I like him, no? I'm not a guy but if a guy sent that to me I think I would be like yes or Oh God. He responded to me with a text. We texted a bit over the weekend. But... I don't know I just don't know.

I don't know if it is the distant that makes this something that I am interested in. I don't think so. I have liked this guy since I was 23 years old. I have developed a friendship with him. I would be more then willing to let something develop. I would risk it. I never want to risk it.

The drawbacks: He is still getting over his ex. I'm not about to move down there for him. He would not move here for me. (getting ahead of myself) How would I eve get something started.

Why am I even thinking this? I dated some guys since going out with him, but still the person I am happy to hear from at the end of the day is him. He makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. He cares for his friends. He is a nice guy.

I don't want to be like it is because of last Friday... It isn't. I have been thinking of him for the past few weeks. Anyways it's just on my mind.

I Have A Problem

I started this blog about me dating. I have made some great blogging friends but haven't really established a following and have never really wanted to. Recently though this has started to change. I am finding that I enjoy blogging. I kind of do want to "make it" as a blogger. I have started another blog that I love. The problem I have is do I start making this blog more public? Ok so really there is only one person I would not want to read this and it is Austrian Boy. I have made this blog almost impossible to find in Google. I actually made sure of this when I meet him when I went to DC. I don't think that he is on the internet googling me. I just I don't know. Anyways how exactly does one create a blog following?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have been avoiding writing this post. It makes me feel stupid and I didn't really want to share it. I haven't actually shared most of what happened with anyone. I probably won't share much more in this post other then I did something that was stupid in regards to a boy. I hate that. After a couple years you think I would stop this, but no my overwhelming need to be wanted always wins out in the end. I have deleted this boy from my life both literally and figuratively, but still I wish he had come and said to me you shouldn't feel stupid, but yeah that would be to much to ask.

Well at least I didn't allow the fade. I may have looked like an idiot, but that's just me.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Big Things People

So all I have lots of things that I have going on. I am going to go to Church this weekend. I found a wonderful church in NYC that I am going to try. I think it is right up my ally. It is a ministry that cooks dinner and then sits down together. I hope it goes well. I could really use a community in NYC. I'm going to try a few places out, but I'm hoping this one works the best.

Also marathon training started. I am in love with it. I went out with Niketown today and it was wonderful. I did feel like I was running through a warm bath. I think we are dealing with 100% humidity and that kind of sucks.

The final thing is that I started a new blog. It isn't connected to this one at all. I created a new email address for it and will probably be blogging there more. I am still using my name Megs though because well it is me. The new blog is going to be amazing. Please check it out. I am really excited to be writing it and hope to update it daily or at least tri weekly. Stop by and check it out.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Serious Stuff People

Today as I was walking to pick up the youngest child I watch at camp I was trying to figure out how I keep getting involved with guys that so obviously don't want to be involved with me. How is it that I keep missing the signs and why is it that I form attachments so quickly? Honestly the last guy I could care less about, but still part of me wants him to be like, "Hey, guess what I actually like you and want to date you." I was thinking on this and it came to me rather suddenly the answer and it is deep stuff here people. I have this idea in my head that if I can get a boyfriend then I will have proven that I am normal and worth it. I have for the past 5 years since guys started showing and interest and I started letting them been absorbed by the idea that if I can just get someone to like like me then I have proven that I am worth it. Yes, this is sad but it is true.

I don't think I'm worth it so I then make guys prove that I am correct. I latch on so tight in the first few weeks that honestly I would dump me too without giving me a chance. Especially since I live in NYC and there are girls jumping up and down to sleep with these guys. There is no need for them to put up with my need for reassurance that they like me.

Going along with this I have decided that this is going to be a boy free summer. I cannot deal with this and get my life started on the track I want it to. Then maybe in a few months I can get back into the dating pool, but right now it doesn't make sense. Also feel a huge sense of relief that I have come to this realization. I'm sure in a few months I really will be out of this funk and ready to be the best me I can be and then the guy who I decide is worth it will realize how lucky he is.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A 2 Year Funk

I've been in a funk for 2 years. Ever since I decided not to pursue my MA at NYU. I have gone way off track. It is finally catching up to me. The boy once again is the tipping point. I use to be cool and people wanted to hang out with me. I don't think that about myself anymore. I'm not someone I even want to hang out with at the moment. Which sucks because for the next two months I have my own place and this is kind of making it obvious how much I don't like myself at the moment. I'm working on it and thankfully marathon training has started. I just need to get out but am so stuck that I can't even figure out how to do that.