Today as I was walking to pick up the youngest child I watch at camp I was trying to figure out how I keep getting involved with guys that so obviously don't want to be involved with me. How is it that I keep missing the signs and why is it that I form attachments so quickly? Honestly the last guy I could care less about, but still part of me wants him to be like, "Hey, guess what I actually like you and want to date you." I was thinking on this and it came to me rather suddenly the answer and it is deep stuff here people. I have this idea in my head that if I can get a boyfriend then I will have proven that I am normal and worth it. I have for the past 5 years since guys started showing and interest and I started letting them been absorbed by the idea that if I can just get someone to like like me then I have proven that I am worth it. Yes, this is sad but it is true.
I don't think I'm worth it so I then make guys prove that I am correct. I latch on so tight in the first few weeks that honestly I would dump me too without giving me a chance. Especially since I live in NYC and there are girls jumping up and down to sleep with these guys. There is no need for them to put up with my need for reassurance that they like me.
Going along with this I have decided that this is going to be a boy free summer. I cannot deal with this and get my life started on the track I want it to. Then maybe in a few months I can get back into the dating pool, but right now it doesn't make sense. Also feel a huge sense of relief that I have come to this realization. I'm sure in a few months I really will be out of this funk and ready to be the best me I can be and then the guy who I decide is worth it will realize how lucky he is.
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