Do You Ever?

Do you ever think man why did I just do that? I think my life is full of this. I'm not sure if you would call it regret exactly. I never really regret what I did all that much but just think if only I had better impulse control. This knee jerk reaction or need to act really only affects me terribly in my love life. I am not one to sit by the phone waiting for the guy to call or text. If I want him to call or text me so badly why can't I call him. All the other stuff about dating no longer matters really so why is it that we still cling to this communication thing so dearly. Why can't the girl be the pursuer without being needy and clingy? This is what I ask you dear readers? A guy pursues a girl and it is macho. A girl sends a guy a few text asking him to hang out and she has put all her cards on the table. I don't know why this bugs me so much. Maybe it is because I live in NYC and guys here do nothing... I have been with one guy who initiated in the past year and half and I'm not even sure how that happened. Why are guys so freaked out by girls showing in the action way that we want to hang out with them?

There is background to this and I am sorry that this most recent guy has come to me at a time when I am just so fed up with men and dating in general. He probably would have been a decent summer casual dating thing. He may still be. My friend's keep telling me not to rule him out. However, all the other dating advice I have gotten is I came on to strong. He knows I like him too much. WTF? I don't even know what that means. I like him too much. He got that from a hookup/movie date, a text, a phone call, a group outing, a email and another text in the course of 3 weeks? I don't know maybe I made it to easy for him. This is not that much for me also. I am an uber texter. I am working on this. He hasn't really been scared off. I'm not sure if I will ever see him again. He has sent return text to the 8 I have sent him (with the exception of last week when he lost his phone). All questions about a group activity.

I think that my problem is I over think things. The thing is that it isn't me who starts over thinking it is everyone around me and then I do. Then I think well if I did this and he did that what does that mean? Oh if I send him this text now right after he sent that text does that look to needy? If I call/text/email am I saying I am so available for you there is no chase involved will he not be interested anymore? These questions are stupid. If he is interested it doesn't matter what I do to an extent. Really we have to wait and see. There isn't much give and take at the moment. Which does suck. I am putting in the leg work, but does this really mean that this relationship is doomed?

I sent him a response text tonight and then a invite text for a weekend thing as well. I promptly shut off my phone and got into bed. If he text back great, but this text did make me think, "Oh man why did I do that? I've put all my cards on the table." Oh well... I just have to wait and see and not care... It's the not caring that is the worst.

So

I was looking at friend's wedding pictures on Facebook just now and something hit me I have no desire to be married anytime soon and two I don't even know if I want to be in any kind of relationship. What the heck was I getting so worked up about? I love epiphanies.

Someday

It will all make sense and then I will just think wow the 20s were an experience. I'm working really hard on letting things go. I'm hoping that things will work out. I hate modern communication. Remember that scene in "He's Just Not That Into You" where Drew Barrymore's character talks about all the ways you can be rejected. I think that is my favorite part of the whole movie. It is just so exhausting and not worth it. I've been trying to take a break from gadgets but found myself texting someone tonight. I shouldn't have texted him. I don't know why I showed my crazy or was too into him. I'm letting it go. Maybe he will show up tomorrow. Maybe he wont. I don't think I really care either way I just wish sometimes I knew why. I know there is no answer or whatever, but honestly I have lived my whole life not getting the guy. I just thought maybe just maybe. Oh well. On to the next one I guess.

There is my stream of consciousness for the week.