Can I Have A Do Over?

I have been thinking a lot lately about a certain someone. You all know who this certain someone is. I have been amazingly good and not contacted him and not spoken about him and not written about him, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I'm not going to lie it is driving me crazy. This is not who I am. I am not this girl that cannot get over a guy. I don't know what it is about him. I don't know why when I think about him I have a hollow feeling. I didn't know him long enough to have this feeling. If this was Adam it would make sense. He was always there for me. Still is in a weird way, but this guy I knew him for like a month.

I was thinking about this the other day. What draws me to keep thinking about him. Why can't I just let it go? I feel part of it is I can't handle rejection. This is an issue that goes back to my father, but I just want to know why. Maybe it is the part of me that makes me 100% female. I have been told guys never really have the need to know why. Part of me feel that if I could just have a do over perhaps I would have gotten a little bit more out of the situation. This is crazy. I don't really want one. I just want to get a certain thing out of the way and if my monthly friend hadn't been around on that infamous third date I think I can safely say I would no longer be carrying around this particular thing. My best friend thinks it is because I have never really opened myself up to a relationship and now that I have I am frustrated that I can't find one. Maybe she is right. I would just like to get to the point where someone introduces me to their friends is that so much to ask.

Anyways I would enjoy the do over. I don't ever get second chances. I don't know how the heck I could even make a second chance possible. And now I write it a second chance sounds lame. I don't want a second chance personally. I would like to give the idea of us a second chance. I guess that would mean he would give me a second chance, but in the same light I'm willing to give him a second chance right.

I think I needed to get this out there to help me get over it. I'm doing like a million things, that the fact that I am not over this is driving me more crazy. I mean between trying to get into a new grad program, fundraising, training for a marathon, and trying to start a new business I don't know how I even have time to think of this guy.

Well I'm Jumping Again

Life is still catching up with me. I'm trying hard to get everything straight, but I think I have too many pots on the oven and I'm not sure which ones to let go. I'm yet again trying to figure out what to do. I'm no good at this waiting and it is driving me insane. I'll write more later. I do have lots to write, but I'm just so so so tired.

Ah.... For Real I'm Going to Scream!!

Life is going great. I am doing a hundred million things that make me really happy about my life. However, I just want to scream because there is like one thing I want and it is just not going to happen and I just can't let it go. Urgh, agh blah... I know everything is going to be great and all that, but I'm so sick of feeling like my life is on hold. So here is my cyber scream AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Ok I'm better now. Off to bed so I can do it all again tomorrow.

Ready set............ Go

Well we are on week two of my marathon training. I love it. I am having a great time. I am meeting great people and am sure that I will have a group of great friends at the end of this. I'm so excited an happy that I am finally getting back to the things that make me happy. I am finding people who support you no questions asked and that are pretty much just like me. It is a wonderful thing. I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by people who are all working towards a common goal.

The other thing that I'm doing at the moment is Kickball. It is an interesting experience. It's just really nice to be getting out there and meeting new people. I kind of love it and totally forgot that I knew how to make friends. I'm going to write a witty (well as witty as I can be in the written word) fun post soon not just a short this is what I'm doing in my life post.

Hope everyone else is having a great Saturday!

Some May Call Me Crazy... I Just Call It Fun

Hello, Blogging community. I have a big announcement to share with you. I am running a marathon a week after my sister's wedding in October. I decided a long time ago that I was going to run 26 miles when I was 26. I thought it sounded cool. Well, as my 26th year is rapidly drawing to a close I finally got my act together and signed up with Team In Training. I am going to run the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. This is where you my lovely readers come in. I need to raise 3,900 dollars by September 30. I'm raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This is a wonderful cause and I am proud that I can put my goal of running 26 miles to use in raising money. If you have a chance go to my Team In Training website (http://pages.teamintraining.org/nyc/nikesf09/mhughesqvz)and send your friends or just write me little notes of encouragement on this blog. I'm up for any kind of support I can get.

My dear readers, I hope you have begun to see me coming back to myself in the past few months of this blog. Before all this craziness of Internet dating, I was a well adjusted young women who could have cared less about the fact that I was single. I was focusing on myself and all the things I wanted to accomplish, but somewhere between here and there I lost myself. Thankfully, with the help of some friends and the blogging sphere, I have found myself again :)

You are Never Alone

The World Wide Web is truly a wonderful place. There are two sites I love to go to when I'm feeling all alone. These two sites are postsecrets.com and the missed connection section on craigslist.org. Yesterday I stumbled upon a missed connection that I have to share. I think it sums up a lot of what us single people go through. Below is the entry from who ever the lonely person is. I hope you enjoy it and realize that, though you are alone, there are so many people out there feeling exactly the same way.


Diary of loneliness....


April 27th,2009
Stupid love....or something so called love.

I met a guy - that's how the story as usual begins.
He is exactly who I need and for whom I was waiting a very long time .
Life is not simple or easy - and no one sad it should be . Still - why , just for ones , can't things
be simple and uncomplicated .
Stupidly , unlogically I fell for a dream , for an illusion of something that I want the most .
Now I am sad, deeply ,deeply sad - it is so hard to let go of a dream , of someone who is so good that there is no way you'll meet someone even remotely alike ever again.
For 3 years I was very much happy on my own .For the first time in my life I wasn't frustrated with myself for being alone . Those 3 years of celibate ,give me time to learn myself
and accept my self .
Looking in to a mirror and liking what you see-feels pretty good .
All my hard work - to be a better person to myself - means now nothing .
Time I spent with him , showed me exactly what I want , what I miss - and what I can't ever have .
I am in pain - physically and mentally. I don't remember ever missing someone this much.
The more I am trying to stop thinking , wanting , needing and desire him - the worst it gets.
I am beginning to hate myself for being so irrational ,so unlogical.
There is nothing worst than meeting someone so good with you and for you - in a completely wrong time and place .
I wish I could understand why any of this happened. I can't find sense of it at all.
It looks like human beings are really , really good at one thing - getting hurt .
Whats better than self torture .

Now I have to learn from the beginning how to be alone and not lonely .


April 28th,2009
Addiction ....

I miss him - like I have never mist anyone else in my life .
I am beginning to think that you actually can become addicted to a person .
I keep trying to find some logic in to all this and this is the only explanation that actually makes any sens.
Some kind of chemical imbalance.....
The only thing that helps ,that calms me down and makes the chaos in my head go silent
- is talking to him. Not that this fact either makes any sens.
I thought that the longer I won't see him , talk to him - the easier it will be to just get over it .
No such luck - nothing works ,the more I try to stop thinking the worst it gets.
I am tired of myself ,of my stupidity and lock of logic.
I just want to stop and I don't know how.
I want stop waiting ....

April 29th,2009
*****
I am afraid that I will not get over this.
I hate pain that I have inside .
I don't know what to do with my self - I wish I could just forget .I wish I could stop feeling and just stop the pain .
I hate my self - I can't stand this.
How stupid it is - being in physical pain becouse you miss someone .
I wish I could just scream all of this out of me.


April 30th,2009
Another sad day .....

Finally, I found a new job.
One problem less to worry about .
I am tired today - it was a long day and I am still not done with my "to do" list .
Stupid things - like cleaning up my apartment- just don't want to get them self done.
Tomorrow again a long day. I hope I can survive it somehow and than go and have some fun .

I still miss him in a way that I wouldn't ever think I can. My whole body just aches for him . I have never miss anyone so much in a physical way. This is driving me crazy - I'm horny beyond fracking believe and there is no one else I would actually want to have sex with.
Evenings are the worst - being all by my self in my place ,where everything just keep reminds of him - not so easy .
I really wonder how is he going to behave next time he'll see me ( whenever that is ).
I have no clue what to expect .
I don't know if he really did get over whatever this is or is he saying he did , becouse he doesn't really have any other choice.
I so wish that life was just the bit less complicated.I just want to scream ....wrrrrr

Done for tonight - still got to get on with my to do list and than finally I can get some relief - mh...hot shower .....

May 7th, 2009
Gloomy days...

I am in "I don't care" mood . Nothing really gets to me .
I don't feel like doing anything becouse everything seams pointless.
I wonder if this is depression showing it's ugly head - again.

I don't remember ever being happy.Not as kid , and definitely not now.
I remember always being different.I remember people around me - looking at me and having absolutely no clue of what to make of me.
I'm 30 - and that fact only adds to all the chaos in my head .
I have absolutely no Idea what to do with my self and with my life .
Ten years ago I knew exactly what I wanted .Happy to be done with school and with head full of dreams and hopes- I was thinking that I can do everything and go everywhere.
Harsh reality have change that in a blink of an aye . No more dreams - just survival.
Somehow I ended up here - and I still have no hope and no ideas .
And what now ??
This is driving me crazy.

Late night, same day.
I am so miserable - I can get him out of my head .
I've had few drinks tonight.That makes it even worst - I can't stop.
I miss him to the point that it's on a verge of physical pain .Pointlessly , stupidly and without any logic or sense - I miss him and I cant stop.
I wish so much that there was a switch that just turns this of or a potion that would make me forget .
How much longer is this going to to hurt me ??
This was supposed to get easier with time - not harder .
I don't understand anything anymore .
I just don't....

I am tired , so very ,very tired .....

May 19th,2009
Solitude ...

Why did humanity become so ....lonely .
No one has time any more to actually care about people around.
You live in the building and never talk to your neighbors , you see people on the bus or subway-everyday ,
and no nothing about them.
No one is paying attention to the world around .
I see so much fear and ....indifference in everyone .
We live in the world that went crazy , completely and utterly crazy .
We are so lost ........

I have been where this person is. I am hoping I'm coming out the other end again. I was feeling foolish for feeling all these things for a guy, but I realize that this is natural. You have to have these feelings and go through this stuff to truly know yourself and respect yourself and be ready for the one who really is amazing. At yoga the other day our instructor read a quote from The Velveteen Rabbit that I also think is appropriate for this situation,

""What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

It is hard just hearing this and sitting and believing that someone more amazing will come into your life when it is time and you will be loved and you will be real. It is hard to have hope and believe that you will be loved and be real to someone someday. The only solution I have come to see is to live everyday and not worry about anything else. Thinking about what can be or what should have been is depressing and hard. I have started opening myself up to all the potential around me and I am ready to accept all the potential I have in me. My life is about to start and it has taken many heartbreaks and much hurt, but I am coming out on the other side a better person for it.