I have been thinking a lot lately about a certain someone. You all know who this certain someone is. I have been amazingly good and not contacted him and not spoken about him and not written about him, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I'm not going to lie it is driving me crazy. This is not who I am. I am not this girl that cannot get over a guy. I don't know what it is about him. I don't know why when I think about him I have a hollow feeling. I didn't know him long enough to have this feeling. If this was Adam it would make sense. He was always there for me. Still is in a weird way, but this guy I knew him for like a month.
I was thinking about this the other day. What draws me to keep thinking about him. Why can't I just let it go? I feel part of it is I can't handle rejection. This is an issue that goes back to my father, but I just want to know why. Maybe it is the part of me that makes me 100% female. I have been told guys never really have the need to know why. Part of me feel that if I could just have a do over perhaps I would have gotten a little bit more out of the situation. This is crazy. I don't really want one. I just want to get a certain thing out of the way and if my monthly friend hadn't been around on that infamous third date I think I can safely say I would no longer be carrying around this particular thing. My best friend thinks it is because I have never really opened myself up to a relationship and now that I have I am frustrated that I can't find one. Maybe she is right. I would just like to get to the point where someone introduces me to their friends is that so much to ask.
Anyways I would enjoy the do over. I don't ever get second chances. I don't know how the heck I could even make a second chance possible. And now I write it a second chance sounds lame. I don't want a second chance personally. I would like to give the idea of us a second chance. I guess that would mean he would give me a second chance, but in the same light I'm willing to give him a second chance right.
I think I needed to get this out there to help me get over it. I'm doing like a million things, that the fact that I am not over this is driving me more crazy. I mean between trying to get into a new grad program, fundraising, training for a marathon, and trying to start a new business I don't know how I even have time to think of this guy.
I totally relate. I dated this boy on and off forever and it took me an eternity to move on because I was always thinking of what I would've said to him had I been given the chance. Or how I could've made things turn out differently. It is so hard to think that someone doesn't want you - BUT the good news is: You're CLEARLY awesome and a ton of people DO want you. That wasn't MUCH of a pep talk - but it was sadly, the best I could do. :) Feel better kid!
ReplyDeleteAlso - I should probably have made this an e-mail. oh wells, I am in NH (I'll be in Mass from the 29-7 or 8th of June and then I'll be back in NH Until the 14...IF you're going to New England-side at all shoot me an e-mail k?
I should add - that while it wasn't much of a pep talk it is the truth! You ARE awesome.
ReplyDeleteI still think about all my exes, and none of those relationships lasted very long. Some of their names roll through my head on a daily basis . . . anytime there is open space in my head. I have quit trying to fight it. I just let them roll through and then I think about them in this bittersweet way and sigh and then they leave my mind. but they'll be back. Even the ones that were real jerks to me, their names roll through my head sometimes and I just think of them and think of the GOODNESS of them and kinda wish them well and send them on their way in my mind.
ReplyDeleteWhen you've really connected with someone its hard to let them go and its hard to separate. But I am learning that connection is not as rare as we make it out to be and that there simply isn't enough room in life to keep all my connections right by my side. I mean, that would be hella dysfunctional anyways.
Sometimes its easier if you can find a way to embrace thinking of him and then tie that thought up with a little blow and give it to a little thought fairy to carry away with her. She stores them and then freezedries them for winter.
Simply put I love you girls. I just needed to put this out there. You both always have great things to say. I love the send them to the fairy and she freezedries them for winter. I like to think there are people we meet for reasons and honestly this person kicked my butt into gear. If it wasn't for him I don't think I would be doing half the things that I am doing. I know that is strange, but I just realized that I wasn't a person I wanted to be through dating him and he totally showed me things I should be doing. So great things always come out of bad situations.
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