I had a wonderful week off in what I think is the most gorgeous part of the United States. Granted I have not traveled that extensively in the US and I got to go be spoiled by my family, so I may be biased. On this vacation though I decided to not think to much about my real life. The one back in New York where I often feel like I'm rowing up stream without a paddle. Everyone asked me about my marathon training and fundraising and all that jazz and I was happy to talk about it. However, I found myself wanting to cry a lot towards the end of this vacation. I don't know if it was because my break from reality was over and I really need to face the fact that I need to make some drastic changes in my life or because my mom was playing Neil Diamond and Coldplay and every song reminded me of how utterly alone I am and how for some reason I repel the boys I like.
I'm not one for wallowing. I generally pick myself up and say oh well now what or well if it was meant to be it would have been. I have gone through lots and lots of stuff in my 26 years and have never wallowed. I don't think I'm necessarily wallowing now. I mean I have a plan and am living my life, but still seem so stuck and no matter what I do my mind won't shift gears. I come home and I just feel so useless. I think it is because I am not doing anything I find particularly awesome. I don't mean just with a job but with life in general. I just have no drive or anything that compels me to do anything at the moment. I guess my break from reality just confirmed this for me. So, hopefully over the next few months my reality turns into one I don't want a break from. I feel it happening. It is right there if only I could grab hold, but it just keeps slipping right through my fingers. Hopefully, I get strong enough so that I can hold on a little tighter and really fight for what makes me happy and say the heck with all the rest.
I always have big life realizations when I travel or go on vacation. I know what you mean about everything feeling empty. Yes, I so know what you mean. Even when I go about doing wonderful things, it all feels so useless. I think that feeling is just part of life. I used to think I was depressed and needed medication but then I realized that I was still doing things and that these feelings came and went. And I decided to quit resisting them. Sometimes everything feels stupid and hopeless and my life feels utterly meaningless. I think that if I didn't ever feel like that I would be a really self centered person.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've also found that just when you think you can't endure a second longer something snaps and things start to happen.
I've heard that said of childbirth: that when you think you can't endure any more pain or pushing and you're just going to die right there, that is when the baby pops out.
So megs. If I'm using childbirth as a metaphor (which i am not sure I intended to do): you might be about to give birth to something big.