So...

I've decided to start writing again. I mean the creative kind. I use to write all the time. I had journals of stories. I don't know when I stopped and I don't really know how to start again. I have dyslexia and this often makes me scarred to write. I get nervous about writing and sharing it. I worry about grammar because that is also something I utterly fail at. However, writing is something that makes me happy. I may start posting things on here. They will all be rough drafts most likely, but I am going to put myself out there and see what happens.

It's Been A Long Month

January has been a long month. I have a new job. I am still going to be nannying but about 20 hours less a week for more money. The hope is that I finish my masters degree. Honestly not sure what I am going to do. With more time for myself I am just hoping to figure it out.

The reason for the new job is kind of two fold. I needed a new job because I was burnt out with this one. The other reason is that my family I work for currently is moving to California and both the family and I realized that I shouldn't move with them. The past two years have been wonderful. I have worked with an amazing little girl. I have cried a lot this past month because for the past two years I have put this ahead of what I need to do for myself. I loved what I was doing so I stayed even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. I made excuse and put my life on hold because this job is easy. I am naturally good at playing with children and I love teaching then and watching them learn. It isn't what I want to... I didn't think the next job I got was going to be working with another family. I'm feeling a little frustrated. Deep sigh, deep breath...

So I go into February with a new job and starting a new year of life. Hopefully things will settle down.

Should I...

Move back to DC?

Oh Crap!

Ok so I accidentally sent an email requesting someone to be my friend on twitter. I then promptly deleted my twitter account. Over reaction? I think not. I know it will still be sent, but, um well, he will ignore it anyways. I really don't like this guy anymore anyways, right? I mean it has been almost a year we only dated for like a month and half, maybe. How did he get under my skin so much? I really hate it. I can't describe how much I hate the fact that I still like him. It often makes me want to scream. I haven't talked about him or written about him in months. I've gone on dates, hooked up with other people, but still I like him. Still he is always in the back of my mind. I don't tell people this. I want to run into him on the street. I know it is crazy. I don't want to like him. I don't want to think about him. I want him to disappear. I wish he never existed. I wish that I never meet him. I wish that I could email him and get him to be in my life in some capacity again. Everything I have been doing I have been doing to get him off of my mind. Thank goodness I'll be training for another marathon soon. That will be good. For now I just need to focus on something other then this guy who is not going to be in my life and never really was. blah...

Wow! That Surprised Me

Today I went to an open house for a graduate program I probably shouldn't apply to. The open house confirmed this. The thing is that now I feel a little lost as this is what I was hoping would kind of save me... If in doubt go back to school.

The thing is what I did afterward is call a friend and vented about everything. What surprised me is the friend that I called. It wasn't my college roommate or my oldest college friend. It was my closest NYC friend. I don't know how it happened, but I have a new best friend. I have a new friend that is my go to friend. It is like the last thing that kept me from being completely NYC is gone. It was strange, but as it hit me that I didn't call one of the other two but called my new friend I started to cry. I don't know why. It is like I'm closing a chapter on my life. It is happening now. It has been happening for the past few month and today just confirmed this. I am not my old self. I am not the person who came her 3 years ago. I am who I wanted to be, but not 100% complete. Are we ever? I'm still growing, but I'm less afraid of it. I'm less afraid of being alone. I'm sure I can muddle through any of my problems and I'm sure I will figure it all out.

That being said I am not moving to California. I have been letting this job keep me from doing things for myself. I have kept it because I have been afraid of starting out on a new career and failing again. I have to. I can't hide behind I need a job. I do need a job but I need to have something that grows with me. I guess tonight surprised me for lots of reasons and most of all I'm just scared because I'm realizing all of these things and I'm terrified of what is going to come next.

Personal Statment

Who wants to write a personal statement for me that will convince my favorite museum to hire me as an educational intern. It is a ten month paid internship with health benefits. Hopefully leading to a job at the same museum. I haven't written a personal statement in 5 years. Where do you begin?

I want to move to....

Ireland. I want to move far away and live in a country where everything is a little similar but totally different. I want to fall in love with some guy who has an accent and a different idea of what macho is. I want to be Irish. I just don't know how to get there.

France, though part of me despises this language. I want to be swept off my feet in a language I don't understand at all. I want to live in a little village in the french Alps and learn french and eat baguettes. I want to be Belle from "Beauty and the Beast".

I want to move half way around the world. Where my only problems seems to be that I am in a new place and I don't know anyone.

I miss adventure. I have settled into a life I don't want to be in and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm shocked that in one month I'll be 27 and that in 3 years I'm going to be 30. I just have to... I don't know and usually that means I just have to move. I must shake things up. The question is how.

First Things First (or I just need to ramble)

I hope everyone has been having a wonderfully amazing new year. I can't really grasp that a decade has gone by. It is making me feel rather old and rather like I haven't done at all what I was planning on doing. Oh well life surprises you. It isn't that I haven't done anything just that when I looked back on when the decades started and I was 16 I did not see myself here.

The question this brings up is where did I see myself. The answer to this is I have no clue. I have no idea and maybe this is the problem. I think some people just know or they find someone and they muddle it out together. However, I am learning more and more of us are just faking our way through this thing called life and eventually we get something right. I'm still holding my breath on the latter part. I haven't got anything right in a while.

Oh god this post got all depressing. It isn't suppose to be depressing. I'm in that whole retrospective of the year but it is turning into retrospective of the decade and to top it off I'm realizing 30 will be here in no time... Yikes! When did I become a Debbie Downer. Time to turn this post around...

Life is happening at an alarmingly fast pace. I know people always tell you it is going to get faster, but you never understand that. I had a slight cold this week and being as I ignored it has turned into a full blown why are we alive sinus thing. Thus, I am home in bed contemplating life. Which prompted this first of a few or many post this weekend. This post is a little bit of a throw away post and if you read the whole thing, well thanks... I am writing this as as stream of consciousness and maybe will go back and fix things but for now I like the eclipses

Anyways back to what I was saying. What was I saying? The past decade has seen me graduate high school, move to DC, study abroad, travel to 14 countries, graduate college, move to NYC, lose about 75 pounds, run a marathon, and almost finish graduate school. I think more importantly it has been the decade where I have tried to make it on my own and for the most part I have. I have struggled. I am struggling and I will be for a little while longer. Life is hard and sometimes unfair and it is challenging to look at the bright side all the time when you feel a constant barrage of bills and life questions and no one seems to be on your side. How am I suppose to do all this all on my own? I know I have a wonderful family and I love them dearly and they are there for me 100%. I have amazing friends, but there is something to be said for that person who is there duking out the everyday battles with you. Look it turned into a see how it sucks to be single post.. oops. That is not what I'm saying. I don't mind being single. (I know you are all shaking you heads). It is just sometimes in that little second where I'm warming up soup I went and got for myself that I catch myself thinking wouldn't it be nice to have someone to take care of you or just sit on the couch with you. Yeah that would be nice. My job is to take care of a whole family but then I come home to an empty house (well not 100% true I have two fantastic roommates and we adore each other and take care of each other). I'm just tired of... constantly looking for what comes next. I shouldn't do that. I don't know what comes next never will I need to give that up. I'm sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm sick of not understanding what is going on and why things just seem to keep falling apart. I'm sick of not knowing why the guy who seemed so nice and decent who liked me suddenly stopped.

We are all searching for that something be it a person or a passion that completes us. It is exhausting. I don't know why I can't be content with what I have. Why I can't be more like my sisters. They are happy with being ordinary and it isn't that I want to be extraordinary it's just that I think there is something more then the two car garage and the kids. I just don't know what that is. I am envious that they are happy with this life. That at 23 and 26 they are content to define themselves in couples and have kids. I wish I knew how to do that. I wish I knew how to be content. I just never have been. I get wound up and get bored and get let people in. I share everything and nothing at the same time.

I don't have much more to say. If you read this whole thing please don't cringe at who awful I am at grammar. It is a New Year's resolution. I'm going to finally figure out how to write well. Hopefully this blog will improve. Thanks for reading the ramble. I assure you the next post will be much more entertaining and a much quicker read.