I hope everyone has been having a wonderfully amazing new year. I can't really grasp that a decade has gone by. It is making me feel rather old and rather like I haven't done at all what I was planning on doing. Oh well life surprises you. It isn't that I haven't done anything just that when I looked back on when the decades started and I was 16 I did not see myself here.
The question this brings up is where did I see myself. The answer to this is I have no clue. I have no idea and maybe this is the problem. I think some people just know or they find someone and they muddle it out together. However, I am learning more and more of us are just faking our way through this thing called life and eventually we get something right. I'm still holding my breath on the latter part. I haven't got anything right in a while.
Oh god this post got all depressing. It isn't suppose to be depressing. I'm in that whole retrospective of the year but it is turning into retrospective of the decade and to top it off I'm realizing 30 will be here in no time... Yikes! When did I become a Debbie Downer. Time to turn this post around...
Life is happening at an alarmingly fast pace. I know people always tell you it is going to get faster, but you never understand that. I had a slight cold this week and being as I ignored it has turned into a full blown why are we alive sinus thing. Thus, I am home in bed contemplating life. Which prompted this first of a few or many post this weekend. This post is a little bit of a throw away post and if you read the whole thing, well thanks... I am writing this as as stream of consciousness and maybe will go back and fix things but for now I like the eclipses
Anyways back to what I was saying. What was I saying? The past decade has seen me graduate high school, move to DC, study abroad, travel to 14 countries, graduate college, move to NYC, lose about 75 pounds, run a marathon, and almost finish graduate school. I think more importantly it has been the decade where I have tried to make it on my own and for the most part I have. I have struggled. I am struggling and I will be for a little while longer. Life is hard and sometimes unfair and it is challenging to look at the bright side all the time when you feel a constant barrage of bills and life questions and no one seems to be on your side. How am I suppose to do all this all on my own? I know I have a wonderful family and I love them dearly and they are there for me 100%. I have amazing friends, but there is something to be said for that person who is there duking out the everyday battles with you. Look it turned into a see how it sucks to be single post.. oops. That is not what I'm saying. I don't mind being single. (I know you are all shaking you heads). It is just sometimes in that little second where I'm warming up soup I went and got for myself that I catch myself thinking wouldn't it be nice to have someone to take care of you or just sit on the couch with you. Yeah that would be nice. My job is to take care of a whole family but then I come home to an empty house (well not 100% true I have two fantastic roommates and we adore each other and take care of each other). I'm just tired of... constantly looking for what comes next. I shouldn't do that. I don't know what comes next never will I need to give that up. I'm sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm sick of not understanding what is going on and why things just seem to keep falling apart. I'm sick of not knowing why the guy who seemed so nice and decent who liked me suddenly stopped.
We are all searching for that something be it a person or a passion that completes us. It is exhausting. I don't know why I can't be content with what I have. Why I can't be more like my sisters. They are happy with being ordinary and it isn't that I want to be extraordinary it's just that I think there is something more then the two car garage and the kids. I just don't know what that is. I am envious that they are happy with this life. That at 23 and 26 they are content to define themselves in couples and have kids. I wish I knew how to do that. I wish I knew how to be content. I just never have been. I get wound up and get bored and get let people in. I share everything and nothing at the same time.
I don't have much more to say. If you read this whole thing please don't cringe at who awful I am at grammar. It is a New Year's resolution. I'm going to finally figure out how to write well. Hopefully this blog will improve. Thanks for reading the ramble. I assure you the next post will be much more entertaining and a much quicker read.
I'm not content with the kids thing either. I know what you mean by that. You aren't done with your adventure yet-- and hopefully you never will be. For some people raising kids is their first and only adventure. Not us.
ReplyDeleteThere are so so so so so many times when I have sat there thinking: if i just had a partner all of this would be so much easier.
Today I maxed out my last credit card. I need a job and I need one fast. And although I am scared shitless about this, I didn't think once: this would be so much easier if I had a partner.
But I used to. Anytime something went wrong.
I don't know what changed. I know that the change was gradual and sometimes I still realize that this Singlutionary sense of self is still evolving.
Ahhhh. I think it changed when I realized how much work and commitment and sacrifice relationships take. And just cause you have a partner doesn't mean that he'll always be there to heat the soup. Maybe two against the world is easier than one. But when there are two it is two against TWO worlds.
I feel like I just started living life on my own terms for myself and not for others. You have obviously done the same thing -- the things you've accomplished recently are amazing.
So maybe you're just not done yet.
When you're done you'll know because you'll find yourself in a relationship that you weren't even looking for with someone you don't even notice having to sacrifice for.
At least that is the dream I have for myself.
And I'm not going to settle for anything less.
I will heat some soup for you in my mind:) Get well soon!!!!
Singlutionary I love the idea of just finding myself in a relationship. I think the problem is that I can't even picture this. I can't picture myself with anyone sharing my life with someone just doesn't seem possible. Oh well I'm working on it. I'm just afraid that I've gotten so good at being alone I'm not willing to let anyone in.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling much better and enjoying big cups of tea with honey in them today. It is the small things that make you happy :)