Today I went to an open house for a graduate program I probably shouldn't apply to. The open house confirmed this. The thing is that now I feel a little lost as this is what I was hoping would kind of save me... If in doubt go back to school.
The thing is what I did afterward is call a friend and vented about everything. What surprised me is the friend that I called. It wasn't my college roommate or my oldest college friend. It was my closest NYC friend. I don't know how it happened, but I have a new best friend. I have a new friend that is my go to friend. It is like the last thing that kept me from being completely NYC is gone. It was strange, but as it hit me that I didn't call one of the other two but called my new friend I started to cry. I don't know why. It is like I'm closing a chapter on my life. It is happening now. It has been happening for the past few month and today just confirmed this. I am not my old self. I am not the person who came her 3 years ago. I am who I wanted to be, but not 100% complete. Are we ever? I'm still growing, but I'm less afraid of it. I'm less afraid of being alone. I'm sure I can muddle through any of my problems and I'm sure I will figure it all out.
That being said I am not moving to California. I have been letting this job keep me from doing things for myself. I have kept it because I have been afraid of starting out on a new career and failing again. I have to. I can't hide behind I need a job. I do need a job but I need to have something that grows with me. I guess tonight surprised me for lots of reasons and most of all I'm just scared because I'm realizing all of these things and I'm terrified of what is going to come next.
some of the scariest moments in life are the times when you realize that something you assumed you always wanted is something you don't want at all.
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