What I Want

I constantly say that I am done with dating. That is not true I am not done with dating what I am done with is how we date today. I want to be courted. I want what my grandparents and my mom and stepfather have. I don't think this is old fashioned. I don't think it is a crazy thing to ask for. I think that it is something that all people should want. It is a little mission of mine to bring back dating. Real dating where the people are chaste and it makes the coming together all that more great.

This being said I know I am not going to find my future guy online. I have learned this. I am not going to meet him at a bar either. I should say the online thing I'm sure about. I haven't really ruled out the bar thing. I just know that I would like to meet someone at some point in an organic way. In a way where they actually have to talk to me. Where when they have had enough of me or I've had enough of them we know we have to have a conversation not an email or a text dismissing the other person. I want an organic relationship one that happens one that is not forced one that I fall into. I am not pursuing anyone at the moment. I want to meet my best friend and if we start as friends even better. I don't want to start dating someone because that is what we are suppose to do.

I had this long talk with a friend last night and she kept saying "You so want a boyfriend." I kept saying "No, I don't so want a boyfriend." It is just something everyone talks about all the time. My girlfriends and I are constantly talking about the latest guy. I don't know how to change this. It is like the pursuit of getting a guy is what we have become. It is rather tedious. I've learned that it really isn't worth talking this all out all the time. Rather it is nice to just know what you want and be you. Then just live it. I'm working on it and trusting that what is suppose to happen will happen.

Life is a learning experience and it is a fun ride. I make mistakes but I learn from them and I'm making a home for myself here in the city finally. It's nice to feel like I am finally figuring things out and nice to start feeling at home in my own skin. This is what I'm learning.

Facebook Makes Me Feel Lame

I was clicking through all these post today on Facebook and everyone has amazing summer vacation and travel things up. I have none. Yes, my camera went kaput and I can't buy a new one yet. Still Facebook makes me feel like I lack a life. There have been studies on this. Everyone updates and connects and all that, but it is all show. Well, most of it. Yes, there are the rare status messages of Ugh and wow bad day, but mostly Facebook is a land of shiny happy people. I know this, but still as I contemplate the summer coming to a close, with nary a summer photo of me having a fabulous life in the Hamptons or on some beach some where drinking my sorrows away, I think wow I had a lame summer this year.

It is what it is some summers will be better then others. It is just with everyone posting about all there amazing time well it just makes me feel lame.

Navigation Down

This summer has been an interesting one. I have had some blips that have cause some questions to keep coming up over and over and over again. The cliches are going to be flying tonight. I feel like I'm rowing up stream without a paddle and that I'm a broken record. I am constantly repeating what should I do now what should I do now. Where am I suppose to go from here? I have been trying to figure this out for the past I don't know 2 years. If you are a reader of this blog I would say that it is a running theme in pretty much ever post. This is leading me to do some different things this summer. Have been living almost with no navigation system. My inner GPS, if you will allow, keeps giving me faulty directions and making me take the long way around or perhaps the the guy driving my car wouldn't let me stop for directions. I have started doing somethings this summer which is truly allowing me to get back to me.

The first amazing thing that happened was that I got an apartment all to myself for the summer. This was a blessing as it has allowed me some time to really be by myself. Yes, in my real apartment I can close the door and all that but there is something about living by yourself that is totally different. This whole place is mine and I don't have to worry about anything. It is freeing.

The second thing is that I have started exploring faith. This has been an interesting thing for me and it has been hard for me. Allowing myself to say that I trust in something other then me is hard. I realize also that I don't really trust myself either. It is really an interesting thing for me to realize. I thought that I trusted other people, but as I am exploring this I realize that I do not trust. I have found a great community that is really helping me understand how to believe and how to trust in not only myself but in God. It has been amazing for me and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I'm getting back on a track that I had lost.

I also have given up the dating sites and dating in general. I realized that I need to learn how to trust and learn who I am before I can be with a guy. This has held me back so much. Yet, there is such a peaceful realization in my life right now. I'm thinking that perhaps with any luck my navigation systems are coming back.

Running

As most people who read this blog know I run. I run for lots of reasons and I run marathons. It is something that I do that I have control over and that I feel accomplished about doing. However, my life is in a bit of chaos right now as I only have a part time job and I have to pretty much take any babysitting gig offered to me. This means my sleep is kind of all over the place which is making it hard for me to do early morning long runs on the weekend. This is driving me crazy. I need to start doing these long runs or I'm basically screwed.

Running is something that is suppose to take the stress out of my life. It does. It is also helping me focus on what is going on and what I need to fix. Sleeping for example needs to be fixed. If I want to run a marathon in October I must start sleeping like a "normal" person. Also with lack of sleep comes poor eating habits again something that needs to be fixed. I never thought I would be asking for my old job back but life was so much easier then. I may have been taking advantage of but at least I could run. It's funny because now I have all this time to do other stuff and be social and I am wishing really that I could just work 60 hours and run.

Any marathoners out there have tips on how to squeeze in a long run if you don't go to bed till 3am?

Getting On With It

Well if you follow me on Twitter megslife1 you know that I am taking a break from dating. I'm not sure if I can say that this is 100% true. What I am doing is not doing online dating anymore. I tried it once and then stopped and then did that over and over again about a billion times. There are things some people are good at and other people are not. I am no good at online dating. I don't know if it is my pictures or my profile, but I get nary (I always wanted to use that word) a email or a response to my email. I don't know why. I don't know if I perhaps exude my lack of knowing how to date or be in a relationship in my profile or my lack of confidence in what I am doing comes across. I have had friends read all of my online profiles. There are no spelling mistakes and I think who I am comes across. However, I'll be honest I don't really care all that much about it. There are some things that I think should be done offline and dating is one of them. I think that all this online dating has taken away from what dating actually is. All this hooking up and options and empowerment and choice has left us unable to some extent to choose to date one person. I would love to meet a guy and I will not be doing this online. I will meet this person some how. I know that but it will not be after I have exchanged a million emails and had a phone conversation with someone.

So, for now I am getting on with it. I'm trying to figure out how exactly one dates without the trappings of the Internet and what I want my dating life to look like. This journey should be an interesting one. I will be courted. Is that even possible anymore?

Fear

I have been writing and re writing this post for weeks now. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I have realized that I have been going about life terrified of something. I'm not really sure what this fear is. I think I have been afraid of everything. Afraid of success afraid of failure. Just generally afraid of everything.

Fear is a tricky mistress (I've always wanted to write that). Every time I think hey I'm not afraid anymore something inside me goes "Whoa don't even think about it." I push everything away and then wind up stuck and afraid. So, this brought me to reevaluate my life. After a few hiccups and a big what the heck moments I started going to church. It isn't churchy church and the more I go the more I think I might need to go to a churchy church. There is something comforting to being in a group of people who believe again.

Anyways this has helped me move on in a lot of ways. I'm not sure what is going to happen with all of this. It has only been a month, but it has been a really great month and for once I don't really feel lost or afraid.