Mixed Messages

I was going to write a post about chasing and being chased. As everyone is pointing out to me I'm doing the chasing at the moment. I'm not even sure this is true. I meet this guy over Memorial day weekend. He is a nice guy and we chatted for a long time the first time we meet before going back to his place ( I never do this ever ever ever). Then spent the day together until he had to leave for DC for the long weekend. I saw him one more time after that. Then didn't see him for three weeks. I kept inviting him to things and he kept declining and also I sent an awful embarrassing email to him about not ignoring me.

So, I had sworn him off. I thought I put myself out there enough and really I came across as some crazy girl. I deleted his number and I was done. However, not that done. I found his number on my phone and texted him last Friday. We texted very minimally that night. He told me where he was and I went and found him. I didn't go up and say hi to him. I didn't know what I was doing there. I still don't know what I was doing. I don't know, but I was there and he was there and I was uninhibited. I guess that is what you can say. One thing lead to another and we ended up back at his place again. We spent the whole day together the following day. Then the when will I see you conversation begins and I don't know how to do this. Now the cycle of me chasing and him pulling away has begun again. I don't even know what is going on. I don't know what I want and I don't know what he wants and we never talk about what happened the night before the day after.

All I know is that I am fairly clueless about what to do here. He keeps talking about how he is probably moving. His wall is up on having a relationship. My wall is up on really letting him in and we never get to the crux of the matter. I keep saying it doesn't matter we aren't really doing anything serious. I just want to have fun and with this guy I've let down a lot of my walls. I don't even know how to have the this is what I want what do you want conversation. Recently Dan from The Gateway Boyfriend said maybe I'm the one sending mixed messages. I was taken aback by this at first but he is right. I pull away. Then I go full bore the next day. He wanted to know when we could see each other again. I decided to make that happen. I didn't wait for him. However, when I see him I'll probably be all timid and shy and not know what the heck I'm doing. He will be happy to see me and have a great time and at the end of the night be like well I'm moving you know that right. Neither of us will let our guard down but when we are together it is great. I guess I should jump and see what happens. The question is just how far do I jump?

Life Is What You Make It

I'm going to be writing two post today. I'm on vacation and just ran a sticky sweaty awesome 5 mile run and had two post pop into my head. One will be on dating and the other is this one. It's just about figuring out life and being me. I'm feeling fairly good about things even though in reality my life is falling apart in many ways. I'm kind of just letting it. If that makes sense. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, but letting go of holding on too tightly. I'm happy and it will work itself out and if occasionally I slip up and forget that things happen for a reason and there is little power you have over lots of things. You really just need to be yourself and be happy with yourself.

As I was running today I was just thinking about things that make me happy. I moved to NYC 4 years ago. It kind of shocks me that it has been that long. I have been so focused on the failure of not having recieved my master and working as a nanny that I forget to look at what I have achieved. I may be up to my ears in debt I cannot pay, but I have figured a lot of things out. I have lost over 80lbs in the last 4 years. I came to NYC the heaviest I have ever been. I am at the moment the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and running marathons. I am healthier then I have ever been and can look at myself in the mirror and be happy most of the time. I don't think food is the answer anymore and that isn't where happiness is. It is wonderful.

I figured this much out and I'm working on figuring some other stuff out, but I'm just happy. I''m thrilled to be who I am and where I am. I may feel stuck and I may feel that nothing is going my way from time to time, but when I run and really look at myself is that who I am is great. That is a nice thing to remember.

When Will I Get This Right?

I just am not good at playing this game. I want to be better at playing the game and not making it obvious that I like him. I hate this part. Oh well I'll keep playing the game poorly.

Why I Hate The Phone

I meet someone and all my insecurities are coming up. We are both busy people and well we only get together if we both seem to be going out. Then we proceed to hang out for the day. Then I don't hear from him. I don't know what to do. It isn't that he doesn't show interest, but there seems to be something going on and I don't know.

Anyways this post is about why I hate phones. I hate phones because they bring up all this stuff that has to do with my dad. I can't handle not hearing from someone. Not knowing when I will see this guy again is driving me cray and I called him. He was at church so couldn't talk. It's been two hours now. No way he is still at church. I can't say hey it isn't that I am needy and have to see you but all these weird feelings come up when I don't know what is going to happen. I spent my life being marginalized by a guy and I can't handle this. I can't like you. It makes me crazy. Everything is going great if I could just let things go and not have this need to know when I will see him again. I hate the phone because it is the pretty much the symbol of all of this and for a tiny little things brings up all my insecurities.

Sometimes

I think that my life is suppose to be much more fabulous then it is. I don't mean to sound conceded, but I'm awesome and funny and yet my life is not a reflection of my creativity or my awesomeness. I somehow have lost my awesomeness. I'm not sure where.

I cried on the phone with my mom tonight. I never cry. I am do for a nice long cry. I sucked in the tears a bit tonight. My mom already thinks I'm about to go jump of the Brooklyn Bridge. I just realized that I have never ever done anything to make myself happy and as I'm looking to start a career or something I want to do what makes me happy. The problem is I have no idea what that is. I've been trying to fit this picture I have had in my head so long that I don't even know what makes me tick. I know I'm not the only one. However, I think most people have something that makes them happy. I run and that keeps me from going bat shit crazy on people and to this extent keeps me happy, but when I think of what I do in my spare time I can't think of anything.

I started drawing again. I haven't drawn since high school. I was a good artist. There probably was potential there at one point, but I let my creative side go a long time ago. I was a smart girl smart girls didn't take art and cooking. I was signed up for AP and Honors classes. My elective was college lever psychology and sociology. I had no room for art. I had more important things to do... I was going to save the world and become a senator. I also didn't get into photography so instead of taking drawing II like Mr. Phipps wanted I dropped art. I mean that was just for fun. Now I regret it. I wish I had stuck with art and taken cooking classes and pursued my dreams of creativity when I was younger. I miss it...

I guess I sort of have my answer. I just don't know what to do with I want to be creative and travel. How do you turn this into a career that pays? How do I make my life as fabulous as it is suppose to be?

Do You Ever?

Do you ever think man why did I just do that? I think my life is full of this. I'm not sure if you would call it regret exactly. I never really regret what I did all that much but just think if only I had better impulse control. This knee jerk reaction or need to act really only affects me terribly in my love life. I am not one to sit by the phone waiting for the guy to call or text. If I want him to call or text me so badly why can't I call him. All the other stuff about dating no longer matters really so why is it that we still cling to this communication thing so dearly. Why can't the girl be the pursuer without being needy and clingy? This is what I ask you dear readers? A guy pursues a girl and it is macho. A girl sends a guy a few text asking him to hang out and she has put all her cards on the table. I don't know why this bugs me so much. Maybe it is because I live in NYC and guys here do nothing... I have been with one guy who initiated in the past year and half and I'm not even sure how that happened. Why are guys so freaked out by girls showing in the action way that we want to hang out with them?

There is background to this and I am sorry that this most recent guy has come to me at a time when I am just so fed up with men and dating in general. He probably would have been a decent summer casual dating thing. He may still be. My friend's keep telling me not to rule him out. However, all the other dating advice I have gotten is I came on to strong. He knows I like him too much. WTF? I don't even know what that means. I like him too much. He got that from a hookup/movie date, a text, a phone call, a group outing, a email and another text in the course of 3 weeks? I don't know maybe I made it to easy for him. This is not that much for me also. I am an uber texter. I am working on this. He hasn't really been scared off. I'm not sure if I will ever see him again. He has sent return text to the 8 I have sent him (with the exception of last week when he lost his phone). All questions about a group activity.

I think that my problem is I over think things. The thing is that it isn't me who starts over thinking it is everyone around me and then I do. Then I think well if I did this and he did that what does that mean? Oh if I send him this text now right after he sent that text does that look to needy? If I call/text/email am I saying I am so available for you there is no chase involved will he not be interested anymore? These questions are stupid. If he is interested it doesn't matter what I do to an extent. Really we have to wait and see. There isn't much give and take at the moment. Which does suck. I am putting in the leg work, but does this really mean that this relationship is doomed?

I sent him a response text tonight and then a invite text for a weekend thing as well. I promptly shut off my phone and got into bed. If he text back great, but this text did make me think, "Oh man why did I do that? I've put all my cards on the table." Oh well... I just have to wait and see and not care... It's the not caring that is the worst.

So

I was looking at friend's wedding pictures on Facebook just now and something hit me I have no desire to be married anytime soon and two I don't even know if I want to be in any kind of relationship. What the heck was I getting so worked up about? I love epiphanies.

Someday

It will all make sense and then I will just think wow the 20s were an experience. I'm working really hard on letting things go. I'm hoping that things will work out. I hate modern communication. Remember that scene in "He's Just Not That Into You" where Drew Barrymore's character talks about all the ways you can be rejected. I think that is my favorite part of the whole movie. It is just so exhausting and not worth it. I've been trying to take a break from gadgets but found myself texting someone tonight. I shouldn't have texted him. I don't know why I showed my crazy or was too into him. I'm letting it go. Maybe he will show up tomorrow. Maybe he wont. I don't think I really care either way I just wish sometimes I knew why. I know there is no answer or whatever, but honestly I have lived my whole life not getting the guy. I just thought maybe just maybe. Oh well. On to the next one I guess.

There is my stream of consciousness for the week.

Real Life

I have no desire to go to work and I am just finding it horrible. I'm done with what I have been doing. I applied to a "real" job today in a city that away from here. I'm just hoping that this holding pattern life has been in stops soon. It has been way to long since I was happy and understood what was going on with my life and bills and living. Anyways real life is catching up with me and I'm not so happy about it.

Life

Is catching up with me again. I'm not really sure what to do. I think I need a vacation. At least I get to have another month and then it is the wonderful state of Maine with family and beach and camping for an entire week. Just 20 days to go. Seriously need some family face time. You know when you just wish your mom was like right there. I want my mom so bad right now. I also just want someone to tell me what to do with my life. I can't do what I've been doing and I think I am finally ready to re enter the world that I left. I have taken a long enough break and I've gotten so far off track... I'm not sure if that is exactly right, but I forgot myself a while back and now it is time to re enter the world that I wanted to be part of a longtime ago. I need to stop running and realize that my life is what I make it and to make it something you need to be proactive.

What To Do Now

Ok so as always I turn to you all when I need some dating help because well I need all the help I can get. I texted Friday night boy yesterday got a response of yes we should hang out again sometime! I responded with let me know when you are free. Now I know I should not seem overly eager and I probably should have waited. Well it's me and I think that is stupid so I didn't. Here is the problem. I am thinking of inviting him to trivia with a group of people. Should I call and do this or just let sleeping dogs lie?