I think that my life is suppose to be much more fabulous then it is. I don't mean to sound conceded, but I'm awesome and funny and yet my life is not a reflection of my creativity or my awesomeness. I somehow have lost my awesomeness. I'm not sure where.
I cried on the phone with my mom tonight. I never cry. I am do for a nice long cry. I sucked in the tears a bit tonight. My mom already thinks I'm about to go jump of the Brooklyn Bridge. I just realized that I have never ever done anything to make myself happy and as I'm looking to start a career or something I want to do what makes me happy. The problem is I have no idea what that is. I've been trying to fit this picture I have had in my head so long that I don't even know what makes me tick. I know I'm not the only one. However, I think most people have something that makes them happy. I run and that keeps me from going bat shit crazy on people and to this extent keeps me happy, but when I think of what I do in my spare time I can't think of anything.
I started drawing again. I haven't drawn since high school. I was a good artist. There probably was potential there at one point, but I let my creative side go a long time ago. I was a smart girl smart girls didn't take art and cooking. I was signed up for AP and Honors classes. My elective was college lever psychology and sociology. I had no room for art. I had more important things to do... I was going to save the world and become a senator. I also didn't get into photography so instead of taking drawing II like Mr. Phipps wanted I dropped art. I mean that was just for fun. Now I regret it. I wish I had stuck with art and taken cooking classes and pursued my dreams of creativity when I was younger. I miss it...
I guess I sort of have my answer. I just don't know what to do with I want to be creative and travel. How do you turn this into a career that pays? How do I make my life as fabulous as it is suppose to be?
...this is longer than I expected it to be...
ReplyDeleteWhen I was unhappy working in a "career" on Cap Hill, I decided that what I did during the day was just to pay the bills and to be sure that I did something I loved in my spare time. I continued taking voice lessons and that really sustained me. Now that I'm at home I make sure I still take time to sing every day and am exploring other ways in which my creative side is nurtured (cooking, party planning, etc.) Erik's dad used to say "do what you do best, the rest will come" Figure out what it is that makes you happy and then commit to doing it as often as you can. Once you make a conscious choice to making yourself happier in that regards you will be able to figure out how to make it work for you long term. Maybe you find a boring desk job, but it pays well and the hours allow you to work on your passion. It's about give and take. Don't feel like you have to figure it out all at once.
Also, I find that people get hung up on how to answer "what do you do". In life there is such pressure for you to have a great sounding job when in reality you might be the happiest person in the world and collect garbage. Get over other people's judgement- chances are if they look down on you for being a waitress (while you are also getting the opportunity to cook every night or take photos or paint or whatever) they are themselves unhappy and jealous. Don't let other people tell you what you "need" to do to be "happy" and "successful". I used to think poorly of women who stayed at home to raise their kids. In my life I have never been as happy. I am with people I love all day, get to try new recipes all the time, can explore opening my own small business, and can create whenever I get the chance. Tell my 20 year old self that I would give up making a good salary in a good career to stay at home and be "dependent" upon my husband and I would have laughed at you.
You, Meg, have so many talents. Start exploring them all- drawing is a good beginning- and don't be ashamed to keep doing what you are doing to pay the bills. As long as you find happiness in your extracurriculars and feel at peace there is no need to fall into a 'career'.
Love you!
Meg...your blog inspired me to write one about this. Love you!
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