My return from... hmmm well anyways

So I've decided to make my way back into the online world.  What does this mean exactly I'm not sure.  I was going to do it on another one of my many attempts at blogging but I'll be honest this is my favorite one I've ever had. So hopefully in the next day or two I will get all my old friends who may stumble across this updated on my life.  I'm entering a fun stage and I made promises to lots of people that I would blog. This is a blog that captured most of how I got to where I am so why not start up again. Who ever is out there might want an update :)

Dilemmas and Life Updates

So I have a major major dilemma (makes it sound way more serious then it is) I like this boy and said boy is clueless or at least I think he is.  Said boy is also very much a boy as he is 23 and at 28 for some reason this is way to much of an age difference.... Every time I begin to write him off he pops back into my life.  I kind of hate it.  We are just friends and fairly goodish I think, but I try and keep my distance because I realize that I like him too much. The thing is he just makes me happy.  I laugh when I'm around him. I'm at ease when I'm around him. I don't think to much when I'm around him.  Last night I went to a friends birthday party and he showed up and I don't know I hate to say I light up when I see him but I do.  We started talking and he told me he might move to California.  Which would be great for him but makes me more upset then it should.  Then we started talking about our growth groups and he was like yeah I am hanging out with this new friend I meet at mine tomorrow.  I was like that's awesome... Then a few minutes go by and he's like oh by the way the new friend is a girl what should I do with her, but just as friends it's not a date. I rolled my eyes and was like it is totally a date idiot.  I felt myself slipping into friend zone and putting up all my walls. I hate when I do this. So the Dilemma is next time I hang out with him do I tell him I think I like him as more then a friend... I already think I know the answer but sometimes I think I just don't do it because I'm so afraid of what his answer will be... Ah so that is that for that stream of consciousness.

It's Official

Well everyone it is official I am a grown up.  My first Thanksgiving was wildly successful and I am so thankful for everything.  The first thing my girlfriends said to me was how cooking Thanksgiving was a rite of passage to womanhood.  I laughed and said I just blogged that. Life has been crazy this week and it is only Wednesday, but even though the rain is pouring down I have a smile on my face.  Life is surprising me and I'm delighted by this.

Carving my first turkey

First things first I'm sure you all want to know all about my wonderful meal.  Guest arrived between 1 and 4.  I was happily cooking in the kitchen with football in the background.  The final guest arrived just as I was finished carving the turkey. Which was the best turkey any of us had ever eaten.  My roommate told me that it tasted like chicken (I guess this is a good thing).  I'm not really a fan of turkey and I loved it too.  I said something along these lines and then realized that it sounded like I was fishing for a compliment.  The meal was amazing I made turkey, stuffing, roasted root vegetables, Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.  My friends brought mac and cheese and corn bake casserole. The food was amazing and we happily sat in a food coma for an hour or so.

Thanksgiving Day Spread

Then around 8 my friend got a phone call from a guy that she invited who was without family for this Thanksgiving.  There are no words that can describe Chad.  He was special.  I give the best directions ever.  I'm not just saying this.  When it comes to directions I can get anyone anywhere.  Also if you get off at the right place my apartment is a straight shot from the subway. Chad had been wandering for hours in Queens or so he said.  I tried to give him directions over the phone but even that was to much for dear Chad. We finally gave up and the girls, yes that's right, the four girls who had never meet this guy who seemed to be rather drunk went to pick him up.  When we got to Chad he was telling us all about how he was planning on buying us blue roses but the blue roses at my bodega were not good blue roses because they were obviously dipped in food coloring.  According to Chad the blue roses in the Bronx (but he doesn't live in the Bronx) look so real that he was shocked to learn that there aren't really blue roses.  Thus, began our night with Chad.  It really just got stranger from there.  Words cannot describe.  He almost came to blows with my mother because she said Colorado was part of the Dust Bowl.  My mother has been teaching American History for 20 years.  Needless to say we ended the night mostly just listening to Chad and then looking at each other with the WTF expression on our faces. So, my friends and I have been living off Chad stories for the week.  I think the people who were not at my Thanksgiving are sick of hearing about him.

All and all this years Thanksgiving will go down as one of my favorite Thanksgivings yet.  It was weird not being with family, but it was also rather nice being in a room full of friends I see frequently.  I didn't have to answer any questions about my dating life or what I'm doing for my career.  I'm thankful my parents came.  It was so nice to show my family why I stay in this city and struggle and scrape together rent.  I think most of all it was nice for them to see me in my element and for them to see the life I have made for myself here.  I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for after Thanksgiving.  2010 has been a weird year but as it comes to a close I have to say that for all the struggle it has been one of the better ones.

Growing Up

I am hours away from hosting my first Thanksgiving.  This is the first Thanksgiving in my memory that I will not be celebrating with my mother's family or at my mother's house (Luckily for me she and my step dad made the trek down here for my first solo Thanksgiving). It is a break in a 20 year tradition and it got me realizing that it really is a sign of the end of my childhood.  It is something I've been thinking of since the last Harry Potter opened this weekend. I know I'm closer to 30 then 15 and I have long been an adult, but there are certain things that make you realize just how far from childhood you really are, and for me Thanksgiving is one of them.

Wednesday Pie Night 2008

Thanksgiving more then any other holiday for me is steeped with tradition.  It was always a holiday I spent with my mother and there was never any special things done because my parents were no longer together.  It was just about people who loved each other getting together and being thankful for each other.  As I grew older things changed but only slightly.  There was always one or two aunts that came up on Wednesday to make pie.  I always watched the parade and then the dog show with my sister.  My grandmother has always teased us that she use to be a Rocket and my sister always believed her.  I have never missed a Thanksgiving in Maine and this year it was really hard for me to even say the words.

After Thanksgiving dinner walk... Yes I grew up here

However, things have been changing.  Slowly as my families small families grow up we separate into our smaller units that are also getting bigger.  My cousins are starting to go off to college.  My sisters are married and at in laws and quite frankly all those wonderful traditions that remind me of my youth and comfort me are dying away. I'll miss my cousins and the after dinner walk on the beach.  Elmhurst, Queens is just not as beautiful as York, Maine.


None the less, this year I decided to just go it alone.  I didn't think my mother would come down here (I'm thrilled she did). I wasn't sure if anyone would want to come to my place, but as I look at the RSVPs and see 10 yeses with guest I feel blessed that I can provide a home for people to celebrate in. As the stress of preparing a dinner for 15 people starts to set in  I realize that I really am a grown up now.  I just hope the turkey cooks all the way through! ;)

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Single is just a Status not a Way of Life

Recently I have been reading all my favorite dating blogs and it seems to me that their has been a call to defend the fact that we are single and happy.  I have loved all these post.  I love hearing the I am single and happy and this is why.  The thing that really bothers me is that why does it even mater? Why is my relationship status always at the forefront of everything.  I am single and I am happy, but unlike some of the post I have read I think I would be just as happy if I was in a relationship. I am not here to say I choose to be single.  I don't choose to be single.  I just am single.  I guess I will choose to be in a relationship, but from my experience the relationships that work are with those people that don't really have to work on being in a couple.... Well that isn't true we always have to work at being in a relationship with anyone.  I guess what I mean is that the people that I see as happy couples are the people who didn't ever define themselves as single.  They are who they are regardless of their relationship status.


I don't know why I'm having such a problem with this idea that I have to defend being single.  I feel that when we go around doing this it almost is like we are trying to prove to ourselves that being single is ok. I was reading a magazine or a blog or something that was listing all the great things about being single.  While I was reading this list I was thinking, "Well all those things make me sound really selfish." All those great things make me sound like I hate all my friends that are in relationships. All of these articles basically were attacking the idea of being with someone.  Let's be honest if we really are happy about being single we wouldn't be on Match and OKc and going on dates.  We would just be living our lives.  When we list all these great things about being single we are just trying to make our single selves happy saying see being single is great.  It is, but so is being in a relationship.  One isn't better then the other.  We need to get over proving that being one is better then being the other.  There is nothing wrong with me being single and there is nothing wrong with my sister because she chose to get married.  She found someone and it works.  I haven't found someone and it works.  I'm happy regardless of the fact that I haven't found someone.  It isn't because there is a list of things I can do because I'm not in a relationship.  When I finally meet someone I'm going to be happy too. There are days that I will hate being in a relationship.  Just like there are days that I hate being single.

I have been working on the issue of defining ourselves.  What labels we have put on other people and what labels we accept.  I think for the most part that it makes us unhappy. For the longest time I was living a life that was all about the labels that I thought I needed to fit into.  This is how a 20 something in NYC should be.  This is what a single girl is like.  This is what a nanny looks/acts like.  I should be like this because I'm single.  If I do this I won't be single. All these things made me miserable.  Trying to fit into the definition that people impose on you is exhausting.  I've tried to stop this.  I took my status off of Facebook, I stooped using dating sites. I started acting how like myself again. I started living despite of the labels not because of the labels. You see I never cared that I was single until I move to NYC.  I never used it as a label until I hit 25.  I never saw it as something good or bad until my friends started getting married.  The past few months I have come to a realization that I am single and that doesn't matter.  It isn't because of all the things I can and can't do, but because honestly it is the smallest part of who I am.  It is the least important part of my life.  Someday I wont be single anymore and that will be great, but just like being single didn't define me neither will being in a relationship.

I Give Up... Um Well Kind Of

It's funny I said I gave up on dating and then I reopened an OK Cupid account.  That seems counter productive, right? I don't know.  I have no desire to date, but yet something in me wants to, but I'm full of contradictions so it makes sense honestly.

I have much to fill you in on in matters of the heart blog readers.  There have been a couple guys and a few missed dates as well as some poorly place emails and phone calls. Where to start and what to share is always the complicated part.  All the stories lead up to why I am giving up yet again on the whole meeting someone thing.

The first story begins at a friends party and it ends at the same place a week later.  I'm not sure what happened.  The first night I didn't even like the guy.  However, he was a player and I was up for a game that night.  The next week the game continued, but it was played out rather quickly.  Unlike most guys that I have meet in the past year or so I had no desire to see this guy after our second meeting.  This is rare for me, but let's just say he is just not worth my time.

The second story is the Halloween story.  Saturday night I had a ticket to a party in the Meat Packing District.  You should all know I never go out in the Meat Packing District.  This is not my usual scene and even worst that this I was very sick.  I had spent the whole day sleeping.  I set my alarm so that I could go out.  I paid money and bought a Big Bird costume do you think I was going to waste either of those things? Of course not. My friend and I arrived at a super packed bar and met up with her non boyfriend/ex boyfriend who had a good hour and half start on us on the open bar.  I had taken medicine and was trying not to drink.  I succeeded in this almost.  I also learned that even one drink on cold medicine is not such a good idea.  At this point my friend's non boyfriend was not happy and decided that he needed to leave.  Making my friend not so happy, but being the good non girlfriend she took him home and took care of him.

Check out that eye makeup. How could I not go out?

This left me all alone in the Meat Packing with all my other friends all the way across town.  Here I was all alone feeling ok and not wanting to go home, but there was nary a cab in site, so I wandered alone by myself dressed as Big Bird.  If you have read any of my post you know that it is in these moments that I am weak and if there is a phone around well... Yes, that is right I called the guy from this summer and texted the boy I don't want to waste my time on.  One of them responded. Guess which one? The most recent guy but he was in Las Vegas so I was off to find a...

Cab to the East Side, but there was no cab to be seen.  I almost got a Pedi cab to bike me over 30 blocks for $5. This is where Halloween Boy enters.  He was dressed as David the Gnome and was also in search of a cab. You could call him my Halloween hero because we got a cab and he decided that we should go on a date.  Dear readers if you remember Halloween is the only night of the year I get dates randomly at bars.  I never say no to a date.  Dates are rare in NYC.  However, this guy wanted to come to my place and cook for me. Yes, for the first date he wanted to come to my place.  After a Monday of really thinking this over I tried to change it to drinks.  I didn't have a date and I haven't heard from him since. Again I'm not all that torn up about it.

So, to summarize I almost had a date. I meet a guy flirted with him for 2 weeks and moved on and am still semi hung up on the guy from the summer.  Yet, I really don't care all that much.  I'm apathetic, but as a friend pointed out not apathetic enough to get a boyfriend.  I'm not sure what that means. The whole they will come when you aren't looking thing, but she says I'm never not looking.  I don't get it.  I am not looking.  I don't care one way or another, but I do have a dating profile up.  Yes, I go on to it occasionally, but I don't really do anything about it.  I'm busy I'm not sure when I would have time to date.  I barely have time for my friends. That's it really I give up.  There is nothing I can do or not do or pretend to not be doing that I am doing.  There is a guy out there for me he probably will show up sooner or later.

Well It's Been A While

Start of my 2nd marathon. Yes that's a Lobster on my head

Hello interweb I've missed you... um well kind of. As most of you who read this know I kind of went MIA.  I have no idea what happened.  I meant to post weekly if not bi weekly post but you know what they say about the best intentions.  Life I guess got the better of me and my writing habit went that way.  I also felt I had nothing much to write about here.

That is changing I'm going to sweep the cobwebs out of my head and start writing again.  Even if what I have to say really has nothing to do with anything. There are a few things that have happened since last I wrote.  I ran my second marathon and had an eventful Halloween dressed as Big Bird.  I will write about all these fun events this week, but just needed to jot down a quick hello.  I missed you blog.  I'm looking forward to writing about the next few months.

Being Me

Over the past weekend I had rather a strange evening.  Usually with the strange evenings comes the next day of OMG I meet someone and he was fantastic let me text him now.  You see in the past this would mean the world to me.  This boy would validate this empty part of me that was unsure about who I was what I was doing.  I know I know a guy is never the answer.  I knew this.  I know this.  I am not a woman who has ever gone out of my way for a guy, but I lost my way a couple years ago and NYC and friends made me feel that the only thing that would make this better is if I found someone.  After all, isn't that all that has ever been missing in my life?

However, a stranger thing happened on this strange weekend.  I have no desire/need to hear from this young man.  He is not the answer as a matter of fact he is probably the anti answer.  I don't know what changed. I don't know if it is because I intentionally decided to flirt with the guy I knew had no potential, but I don't think it is.  I have found something that was missing in me.  This sounds so weird, but it is true, for the past few years I have been walking around empty.  Searching for something anything that would make me be better.  Make me feel like I could fit in with everyone.  I thought finding a guy would do this.  I thought not being a nanny would do this.  I thought losing weight would do this.  The thing is nothing did this.  Nothing that I did made me feel better made me get back what I had lost.  The thing in me that made me me.  The emptiness the hollowness was there and wouldn't go away.

The journey was a long one.  It started when I first moved to NYC.  I went on a health journey and lost 100 pounds.  It was amazing to not feel like the fat girl anymore.  However, this didn't fix anything I still felt empty and lost.  Even more so because what I hid behind was gone.  This didn't fix me so now what?

I dropped out of graduate school because it wasn't me.  However, with that I gave up on a dream.  I became a nanny.  I was ashamed of this.  I still have issues with this.  I went on dates trying to explain who I am.  Why do I have to do that? The answer is I don't.  I became consumed with proving to these guys that I was smart.  I don't have to prove this.  I am smart, witty, charming, nice and people like me. The only person I ever need to prove myself to is myself.

However, this all changed for me a few months ago. I am happy to say this.  I have found myself. Life started to make sense again.  I am not afraid to be me.  I have found acceptance of who I am and trust in something that I never really thought I would have ever.  I never thought that this was going to be me.  I never thought I would be writing a blog about how when I started going to church and believing that my life started to change.  It is the truth, though. Three months ago I was lost, scared, tired, and alone.  Today I am none of these things.  Even when I screw up I don't feel lost.  I don't feel scared.  I'm not worried about what people are going to think of me. Life makes sense again.  I finally have learned that being me is a wonderful thing.  I don't know why I ever thought it wouldn't.

Sitting Here

I'm sitting in Starbucks thinking I should be working on that 1000 word personal statement about why I like kids.  What am I doing instead looking at facebook and surfing the web.  It isn't productive.  I don't know where my drive has flown of to, but it seems to have migrated south for the winter about two years ago.  How exactly do you get this drive back? I think I know what I want to do, but then I have no desire to actually do it?  Does this mean that maybe this isn't what I want to do?  I thought that when I figured things out well then everything would just fall back into place.  It isn't seeming like that so much.  My drive and desire haven't come back even though I know what I want to do.  That is why I'm just sitting here staring at the computer screen wondering.

What I Want

I constantly say that I am done with dating. That is not true I am not done with dating what I am done with is how we date today. I want to be courted. I want what my grandparents and my mom and stepfather have. I don't think this is old fashioned. I don't think it is a crazy thing to ask for. I think that it is something that all people should want. It is a little mission of mine to bring back dating. Real dating where the people are chaste and it makes the coming together all that more great.

This being said I know I am not going to find my future guy online. I have learned this. I am not going to meet him at a bar either. I should say the online thing I'm sure about. I haven't really ruled out the bar thing. I just know that I would like to meet someone at some point in an organic way. In a way where they actually have to talk to me. Where when they have had enough of me or I've had enough of them we know we have to have a conversation not an email or a text dismissing the other person. I want an organic relationship one that happens one that is not forced one that I fall into. I am not pursuing anyone at the moment. I want to meet my best friend and if we start as friends even better. I don't want to start dating someone because that is what we are suppose to do.

I had this long talk with a friend last night and she kept saying "You so want a boyfriend." I kept saying "No, I don't so want a boyfriend." It is just something everyone talks about all the time. My girlfriends and I are constantly talking about the latest guy. I don't know how to change this. It is like the pursuit of getting a guy is what we have become. It is rather tedious. I've learned that it really isn't worth talking this all out all the time. Rather it is nice to just know what you want and be you. Then just live it. I'm working on it and trusting that what is suppose to happen will happen.

Life is a learning experience and it is a fun ride. I make mistakes but I learn from them and I'm making a home for myself here in the city finally. It's nice to feel like I am finally figuring things out and nice to start feeling at home in my own skin. This is what I'm learning.

Facebook Makes Me Feel Lame

I was clicking through all these post today on Facebook and everyone has amazing summer vacation and travel things up. I have none. Yes, my camera went kaput and I can't buy a new one yet. Still Facebook makes me feel like I lack a life. There have been studies on this. Everyone updates and connects and all that, but it is all show. Well, most of it. Yes, there are the rare status messages of Ugh and wow bad day, but mostly Facebook is a land of shiny happy people. I know this, but still as I contemplate the summer coming to a close, with nary a summer photo of me having a fabulous life in the Hamptons or on some beach some where drinking my sorrows away, I think wow I had a lame summer this year.

It is what it is some summers will be better then others. It is just with everyone posting about all there amazing time well it just makes me feel lame.

Navigation Down

This summer has been an interesting one. I have had some blips that have cause some questions to keep coming up over and over and over again. The cliches are going to be flying tonight. I feel like I'm rowing up stream without a paddle and that I'm a broken record. I am constantly repeating what should I do now what should I do now. Where am I suppose to go from here? I have been trying to figure this out for the past I don't know 2 years. If you are a reader of this blog I would say that it is a running theme in pretty much ever post. This is leading me to do some different things this summer. Have been living almost with no navigation system. My inner GPS, if you will allow, keeps giving me faulty directions and making me take the long way around or perhaps the the guy driving my car wouldn't let me stop for directions. I have started doing somethings this summer which is truly allowing me to get back to me.

The first amazing thing that happened was that I got an apartment all to myself for the summer. This was a blessing as it has allowed me some time to really be by myself. Yes, in my real apartment I can close the door and all that but there is something about living by yourself that is totally different. This whole place is mine and I don't have to worry about anything. It is freeing.

The second thing is that I have started exploring faith. This has been an interesting thing for me and it has been hard for me. Allowing myself to say that I trust in something other then me is hard. I realize also that I don't really trust myself either. It is really an interesting thing for me to realize. I thought that I trusted other people, but as I am exploring this I realize that I do not trust. I have found a great community that is really helping me understand how to believe and how to trust in not only myself but in God. It has been amazing for me and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I'm getting back on a track that I had lost.

I also have given up the dating sites and dating in general. I realized that I need to learn how to trust and learn who I am before I can be with a guy. This has held me back so much. Yet, there is such a peaceful realization in my life right now. I'm thinking that perhaps with any luck my navigation systems are coming back.

Running

As most people who read this blog know I run. I run for lots of reasons and I run marathons. It is something that I do that I have control over and that I feel accomplished about doing. However, my life is in a bit of chaos right now as I only have a part time job and I have to pretty much take any babysitting gig offered to me. This means my sleep is kind of all over the place which is making it hard for me to do early morning long runs on the weekend. This is driving me crazy. I need to start doing these long runs or I'm basically screwed.

Running is something that is suppose to take the stress out of my life. It does. It is also helping me focus on what is going on and what I need to fix. Sleeping for example needs to be fixed. If I want to run a marathon in October I must start sleeping like a "normal" person. Also with lack of sleep comes poor eating habits again something that needs to be fixed. I never thought I would be asking for my old job back but life was so much easier then. I may have been taking advantage of but at least I could run. It's funny because now I have all this time to do other stuff and be social and I am wishing really that I could just work 60 hours and run.

Any marathoners out there have tips on how to squeeze in a long run if you don't go to bed till 3am?

Getting On With It

Well if you follow me on Twitter megslife1 you know that I am taking a break from dating. I'm not sure if I can say that this is 100% true. What I am doing is not doing online dating anymore. I tried it once and then stopped and then did that over and over again about a billion times. There are things some people are good at and other people are not. I am no good at online dating. I don't know if it is my pictures or my profile, but I get nary (I always wanted to use that word) a email or a response to my email. I don't know why. I don't know if I perhaps exude my lack of knowing how to date or be in a relationship in my profile or my lack of confidence in what I am doing comes across. I have had friends read all of my online profiles. There are no spelling mistakes and I think who I am comes across. However, I'll be honest I don't really care all that much about it. There are some things that I think should be done offline and dating is one of them. I think that all this online dating has taken away from what dating actually is. All this hooking up and options and empowerment and choice has left us unable to some extent to choose to date one person. I would love to meet a guy and I will not be doing this online. I will meet this person some how. I know that but it will not be after I have exchanged a million emails and had a phone conversation with someone.

So, for now I am getting on with it. I'm trying to figure out how exactly one dates without the trappings of the Internet and what I want my dating life to look like. This journey should be an interesting one. I will be courted. Is that even possible anymore?

Fear

I have been writing and re writing this post for weeks now. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I have realized that I have been going about life terrified of something. I'm not really sure what this fear is. I think I have been afraid of everything. Afraid of success afraid of failure. Just generally afraid of everything.

Fear is a tricky mistress (I've always wanted to write that). Every time I think hey I'm not afraid anymore something inside me goes "Whoa don't even think about it." I push everything away and then wind up stuck and afraid. So, this brought me to reevaluate my life. After a few hiccups and a big what the heck moments I started going to church. It isn't churchy church and the more I go the more I think I might need to go to a churchy church. There is something comforting to being in a group of people who believe again.

Anyways this has helped me move on in a lot of ways. I'm not sure what is going to happen with all of this. It has only been a month, but it has been a really great month and for once I don't really feel lost or afraid.

Why Can't I Move On?

It has been over a year... Way over a year. I went out with this guy for a month and half. A tiny little blip in time in the grand scheme of my life. Still... Still... Still... I want to bump into him on the street. Still I want to be friends with him. I want to be part of his life in some way. The idea that I will never see him again leaves me anxious. I know it is crazy. I have said I don't understand it. There have been other guys. Heck I just screwed up with another guy and already I don't care about that one.

Why is this? I'm a romantic but I am also a pragmatist. I know that life is not a fairytale. I don't think that I will be walking on the street and he will see me and be like "Wow, Megan? How have you been?" Then we will be friends. I wish that would happen, but I don't believe it will and I'm truly fine with it never happening. Still part of me feels like I missed something with him. Oh well... I'm still trying to move on. What's the deal with that?

Oh Man

I was just re reading some post from March Austrian Boy month and I can say nothing has really changed there. We don't text and Facebook as much. I think we both kind of realize that it isn't really worth it. I don't know. I posted how I messaged him last Friday after my humiliation. I think I need to expand on this. He was idle on Facebook before my friend Adam could disuade me from sending him anything I messaged him
"Hey I know you are busy on vacation but part of me wishes you were online. I had a really bad night and for some reason you always make me smile."

I think this pretty much cements the fact that I like him, no? I'm not a guy but if a guy sent that to me I think I would be like yes or Oh God. He responded to me with a text. We texted a bit over the weekend. But... I don't know I just don't know.

I don't know if it is the distant that makes this something that I am interested in. I don't think so. I have liked this guy since I was 23 years old. I have developed a friendship with him. I would be more then willing to let something develop. I would risk it. I never want to risk it.

The drawbacks: He is still getting over his ex. I'm not about to move down there for him. He would not move here for me. (getting ahead of myself) How would I eve get something started.

Why am I even thinking this? I dated some guys since going out with him, but still the person I am happy to hear from at the end of the day is him. He makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. He cares for his friends. He is a nice guy.

I don't want to be like it is because of last Friday... It isn't. I have been thinking of him for the past few weeks. Anyways it's just on my mind.

I Have A Problem

I started this blog about me dating. I have made some great blogging friends but haven't really established a following and have never really wanted to. Recently though this has started to change. I am finding that I enjoy blogging. I kind of do want to "make it" as a blogger. I have started another blog that I love. The problem I have is do I start making this blog more public? Ok so really there is only one person I would not want to read this and it is Austrian Boy. I have made this blog almost impossible to find in Google. I actually made sure of this when I meet him when I went to DC. I don't think that he is on the internet googling me. I just I don't know. Anyways how exactly does one create a blog following?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have been avoiding writing this post. It makes me feel stupid and I didn't really want to share it. I haven't actually shared most of what happened with anyone. I probably won't share much more in this post other then I did something that was stupid in regards to a boy. I hate that. After a couple years you think I would stop this, but no my overwhelming need to be wanted always wins out in the end. I have deleted this boy from my life both literally and figuratively, but still I wish he had come and said to me you shouldn't feel stupid, but yeah that would be to much to ask.

Well at least I didn't allow the fade. I may have looked like an idiot, but that's just me.

Big Things People

So all I have lots of things that I have going on. I am going to go to Church this weekend. I found a wonderful church in NYC that I am going to try. I think it is right up my ally. It is a ministry that cooks dinner and then sits down together. I hope it goes well. I could really use a community in NYC. I'm going to try a few places out, but I'm hoping this one works the best.

Also marathon training started. I am in love with it. I went out with Niketown today and it was wonderful. I did feel like I was running through a warm bath. I think we are dealing with 100% humidity and that kind of sucks.

The final thing is that I started a new blog. It isn't connected to this one at all. I created a new email address for it and will probably be blogging there more. I am still using my name Megs though because well it is me. The new blog is going to be amazing. Please check it out. I am really excited to be writing it and hope to update it daily or at least tri weekly. Stop by and check it out.