New Years Eve

It's New Years Eve and I'm working. Here is the thing. I 100% wanted to work. If I wasn't watching these two kids I would be at home watching movies. This is 100% my choice but the funny thing is that when you choose to be alone on big going out nights everyone feels that they need to make sure you are ok. I am fine. I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact for the first time my staying in is not because I feel lame and don't think I could find plans. I just don't feel like going out. So this New Years Eve I am sitting on a couch watching movies and enjoying some alone time. It is exactly how I want to spend this holiday. Hope everyone else gets to do exactly what they want too.

And I'm Back

Ok so once again I vanished from the internet world. This was mostly due to my lack of a competent machine. I splurged and bought myself a computer that was too expensive but something I totally needed for myself. I didn't use my whole bonus so...

Another reason is I don't really have much going on. I am signed up to run another marathon. I'm enjoying getting back into training. I have a few friends who are running this one and it is in Maine. It is going to be a family weekend. I have at least two Aunts and a gaggle of cousins and my mother and sisters who are going to come. I wish it was sooner.

I may be moving to California for work. I'm not entirely sure if I am going to do this. I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life and not sure if packing up and staying a nanny is really the best thing to do. I guess this is going to force me to make a decision about my life.

Dating has been put on hold. I have to much going on to figure out how to be in a relationship. I don't know sometimes I think that maybe that is a cop out. It is just the last thing I feel like doing is going on a date. At the end of the day I enjoy going out with friend or to the gym. I'm sure eventually I will have it all figured out and some fantastic boy will wander into my life if that is what I want.

So I'm bac and perhaps I will post more often but really who knows. I'm always here but I've pretty much had nothing to say the past few weeks. That is rare.

Randomness

I was out at a bar a couple weeks ago and I saw some amazing dance moves. I love when this happens. It is by far my favorite thing when people embrace their awesome dance moves that others may look at and think, "Is that person going into an epileptic shock?" I am known to break out some of those amazing moves on occasion but rarely when I'm in a room of people I don't really know.

While I was enjoying just watching these people from my prime bar stool my friend said "Hey, isn't that that guy from Criminal Minds?" I was like "Who?" You see I don't really watch that show, but the guy seemed vaguely familiar. He was also in one of my favorite summer movies 500 Days of Summer. He plays the best friend. Anyways it was in fact Matthew Gray Gubler and he is a fantastic dancer. I kind of wish he was my friend. After seeing him out he just seems like so much fun.

Also solidifying his awesomeness there is this great film he made Matthew Gray Gubler: The Unauthorized Documentary. That is a link to episode 1. You should watch them all.

I'm In Love!! :)

I'm in love really and truly and very happy about it. I'm in love with one of the most fantastic people ever and it actually surprised me. Before you get ahead of yourself and think, "Whoa did I miss something," let me fill you in. I'm in love with me. This was a revelation I had yesterday. It may sound narcissistic, but it's not really. I mean most of us are in love with ourselves. There is even that cliche, "if you can't love yourself then how can anyone else?"

So, I'm happy to say I am in love with someone and that someone is me. It has been a long journey and a difficult relationship. I have been constantly fighting the happy feelings within and making myself fairly miserable by living up to someone else's standards. I have given up on that. I realized I'm amazing and really truly believe this. This doesn't mean there are things that I can't improve on, but being happy with myself and loving myself is really the first step to becoming the person I am meant to be. I have been defining myself for so long as something that other people wanted me to be. I have been trying to fit into this mold of what people want. I realized when I had this revaluation is that it isn't worth fighting who you are. There is no perfect way to be. You just really need to be happy and somehow you will muddle through the rest of it.

Another person's writing actually spurred this post. It was the wonderful Decoybetty while guest posting for Hooking Up Smart. This post just reaffirmed my belief in what I have been feeling for the last few days. This sense of not really caring how others define me, but rather how I define myself. If people look at me as single and whatever it doesn't matter. I am who I am and I am doing what is right for me so to heck with all that stuff. My life is amazing and will be amazing and maybe it is a little tough sometime, but I love it.

Sorry for the radio silence

Hi all I'm tired. I am bone tired. I had a little too much fun yesterday and now I'm paying for it. I remember when I use to be able to go out and not feel dead the next day. Could I be getting old?

I am writing a brief recap of Halloween boy and then going to sleep. I'll write more this week when I have 5 blissful days in Maine and nothing to do. Anyways Halloween boy was cuter then I remembered and we had a coffee. Then he asked if I wanted to go walk to the park. We went to the Washington Square Park and he picked a park bench for us to sit on. We chatted a bit and then he made his move. We were sitting in the park and he just kind of gave me this look and then kissed me. It was nice and I knew it was coming. I don't know though. I haven't really heard from him since. At least I can check making out in Washington Square Park of my bucket list. ;)

Megs Life At The Moment

I have been thinking about what to post on here for a few days. There are many things to post about. Some are events other just thoughts, so tuck in for the long haul of Megs life at the moment.

I will start with talking about Subway boy. Who is off to Brazil never to be heard from again. I am so ok with this. He was just strange. I was telling my mother about him and she said "he sounds like Kramer." She is totally right. He is so random. I think I was flattered by the fact that this really attractive guy wanted to go on a date with me. He is by far the most attractive person I have ever meet, but the interesting thing is that, though, he was very physically attractive I didn't find him all that attractive after we had our date or whatever it was. He is too strange and to anti establishment and too bitter but pretending not to be for me. So I guess I'm glad he is off to Brazil. Maybe when he comes back we will be friends, but I'm guessing that is the last I'll hear from Subway boy. He may meet up with my friend when he is in Brazil so it might not be hear of him.

The other dating life event that is going on is that I have a date with Halloween guy on Thursday. I am actually impressed that we are meeting. I thought that we would perhaps have that well he was a nice guy but... moment. This will be a first for me. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not sure if my heart is really in it. My best friend tells me to look at it as if it is a job interview and the guy is there to apply for the job of hanging out with me. I like this idea.

That is what is going on in my dating life. This then brings me to my second topic of the blog for today. I started this blog as a dating life blog and for the most part that is what it has been. However, it seems that through focusing on dating I kind of stopped focusing on dating. It just is such a boring thing to focus on. I started doing things for me. I got off line and I just stopped caring about all that stuff that goes with finding someone. There are people out there that say that you should make finding someone a full time job. Why do people say that? I mean shouldn't your full time job be making yourself the most awesome person? Focusing all your energy on finding a person is not ok. There is so much you miss out on when you do this. Anyways that is where my head is at the moment.

The last thing that is going on in my life at the moment is the career thing. I'm still trying to figure this out. I am thinking of taking a cooking class and see if I like that. I'm not sure what to do. My dream of dreams is to go to cooking school and start a culinary career. I'm just so utterly afraid of failure at this one thing I want to do that I keep almost doing it and stopping. We'll see what happens. I don't really want to live my life with regrets anymore so I guess to be true to myself I need to do this.

Anyways that is what my life is like at them moment. Stay tuned to hear about Halloween boy.

Baffled

Who knew that such a simple Halloween costume would be so awesome. I was a shot in the dark. I had an amazing Halloween. It was one of those nights where everything just fell into place. I went completely out of my comfort zone and ended up in Brooklyn with my friend. It was probably one of the top 10 nights I've had in NYC.

The most memorable moment is when I went to leave a guy followed me out of the bar to make sure he got my number. This never happens to me. Guys do not ask for my number, nor do they follow me out of bars in order to do this. He was sweet, but not really my type. I gave him my number and he has been texting me. I think we will be meeting for coffee next week. I feel bad, but I want to go to the gym and have made plans on Saturday and Friday.

It is interesting because a few months ago I would have been all about going on dates. I can't believe that in one week I meet two guys who got my number and texted me less then 12 hours after meeting them. It is great. I just don't think I really want to be dating. Is this weird? I'll go on dates if they present themselves, but honestly it is just tiring and confuses me and I'm trying to figure a bunch of other stuff out in my life. I guess as always I'm just a little baffled by everything. As always life is surprising me.

Question, So many Questions

I had tea today with Subway boy. It was interesting. I have no idea if it was a date. I am not sure if I like him in the wow he makes me swoon way and he is going to Brazil for who knows how long on the 12th. I know that I relate to him in a lot of ways. I give him a lot of credit for how he is living his life. He seems to be very similar to me, but with that charisma that comes with being a star athlete. However, he seems a little lost. I think that perhaps he is coming to terms with the idea that life doesn't always go exactly as planned, and that realization that dreams change.

I think I like him in the way that I found a kindred soul. A person that lives life and ask no questions. Is just trying to figure it all out. He is sweet and a little innocent in the not innocent way. Who knows. I thought having coffee with someone was suppose to answer questions not create more.

Let's Be Honest....

I can't keep anything to myself and the reason I have this blog is to tell what is going on in my life. I was reading my previous post and that is just stupid. I should get my hopes up and I do want something to come of this secret I'm about to spill. It isn't a big deal and I think that I over react a bit, but hey I'm going to let you all in on my Tuesday night.

My friend from freshmen year moved to NYC recently with his wife. I haven't seen Ben in years. Even when we were in college after freshmen year we kind of drifted apart. When I found out he was moving I sent the required let's get drinks. I hoped we would, but like many things in NYC realized people are busy. Well I had a dinner party recently and invited my friend and his wife. He couldn't come, but we planned last minute drinks on Tuesday. It was great catching up and I am happy to say I have two great new NYC friends.

That was all well and good and everything. The real thing that happened was on the train on the way home. I made the last train to my house and as I was sitting there taking my book out this guy sticks his hand in the door as they are shutting. He started saying my hand is stuck and I was sitting there looking at him like he was an idiot. I was on the better side of 3 glasses of wine and feeling a little talkative and told him he was stupid. He just laughed at me when I said a friend of mine saw someone's limb severed because of what he just did. One thing lead to another and we exchanged info.

The following day I spent debating whether or not to get in touch. He got in touch first. This is great I guess. I asked if he wanted to get a drink sometime. He said sure. How about next week. This is the last I have heard from him. So maybe something will come of this maybe nothing. He is going on a month to 3 month trip to Brazil on the 12th so perhaps I will never see him ever again. Perhaps he will get in touch with me and we will have a fantastic time on one of those days next week.

I am trying really hard to not be me... That doesn't sound right. I just have to remember I am who I am and if who ever meets me does not like the fact that I'm too nice, a little talkative, like to text, and I say stupid things when nervous or when there is silence we won't work out. I often go overboard on all relationships and sometimes I don't think that guys get this. I have this need to please and be friends with everyone. I suck at not letting things go. I don't trust anything and don't think that good things happen to me (in relationships). I constantly over think everything. I am generous. I am optimistic despite everything. I get up every morning and I smile and I'm glad that I am alive. This is who I am. I am totally ok with this and someday I'm sure I will be on the subway and meet that guy who not only text me back, but set up a date for the next day. And I'll have my story and it will be great. Until then I'm happy just dealing with my neurotic self.

Keeping secrets

Ok so I am no good and I mean like people generally have to glue my mouth shut or tell me they don't care to keep me from telling them something. I'm not talking about other people's secrets. I'm talking about something happening to me and I don't want to jinx it or something like that. I try so hard to keep things quiet. I over share. I will own up to that. It is kind of sort of a downfall and has definitely scarred some people away dates and friends.

However, at the moment I am trying to keep something that happened a secret. I have told my inner circle which is surprisingly large. However, I haven't told every person I know and I am blogging about not telling it instead of telling it. I mean that is a start right. We will see if anything comes of this and then perhaps I will let a little something out. I honestly don't think anything will, so I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up.

Running For Love....

Well I promise to write more about my marathon, but really running 26.2 miles over 5 hours and 25 minutes makes for a little bit of a boring post. However, I was just watching the news and there was a story of a women who is running the NYC marathon for love. You heard me right she decided to run 26.2 miles to find someone. It's funny because I ran the marathon for the complete other reason. I needed something to distract me from my search and she is doing it for her search. I was doing it to run away from love (not really true but close to it) and she is doing this crazy thing for the complete other reason. Running to me keeps me from focusing on things that drive me crazy and searching for a mate is one of those.

Yet, after seeing this story I was thinking of joining a running club. I have slacked a little on the running front, but I'll give myself a pass since I just ran a marathon. I plan on hopping back on the treadmill for a short run sometime this week. I'm not running for love I think that would probably make running awful for me. I'm running to drop the last 25-30 pounds and maybe meet some new friends. I didn't really focus on being social until the actual marathon weekend, but now that I'm back and think I made some good friends over that weekend I was thinking that perhaps running for friends isn't that bad of an idea. I need people to run with on Saturdays and I need people who want to do crazy runs like the Emerald Nuts run on New Years Eve in Central park. So after seeing running for love I've decided that why not run for friends. Running is something I love and it is nice to share that with a group of people.

All By Myself...

It is a rainy Saturday night and I was suppose to be working. I found out this morning that the mom was sick so I didn't have to go in. I was a little sad to be losing out on $200, but did a little happy dance when I realized I had a Saturday night with no obligations and to top it off it is raining. This makes one feel not even a little guilty for staying in on a Saturday.

I'm sitting on the couch right now and watching really awful T.V and really happy. Yet, as always when I am a homebody two weekend nights in a row I feel that little voice in my head that says, "You are missing something." I have zero desire to go out tonight, but at the same time I think if I was out maybe I would meet someone. I don't even really want to meet someone, but as the holidays approach and my mother starts talking about gifts and where my siblings will be spending holidays I feel that little panic. The OMG I have no one again panic. That I only feel when faced with going home for the holidays. It causes severe anxiety as well as emotional outburst through out the months of November and December.

This year will be different. My life is so much different this year. I am happy. I'm not just saying this. Running has changed my life and I am so looking forward to running my first Turkey trot and doing the Emerald Nuts run in Central Park for New Years. There is something that happens when you complete something like a marathon, but even more than that being part of Team in Training was amazing. I still haven't fully taken everything in. TNT raised 14 million dollars for LLS. It was amazing being part of an organization that is doing so much for people who are so sick. I never really thought I would have a truly transformative experience, but there was something about crossing that finish line that changed me.

So this year is different. I feel like I have accomplished things I am a much happier person. I am fine with being on my own. I like not having to worry about checking in with someone or having them check in on me. I don't think I could handle being part of an us. I am just figuring out my stuff so for now being all by myself is a great way to be.

I'm A Fricken Maraothoner!!

This will be a super short post. I'll Post more at some point when I am running on more then 3 hours of sleep in two days. I am super happy with myself needless to say. I ran 26.2 miles in 5 hours and 25 minutes. I had to stop and get my ankle taped which sucked a little, but I'm already thinking of what my next race will be :)

Other Ramblings of the Single Sister

My sister, my younger sister, got married last Saturday. It was a beautiful amazing ceremony. I had the best time and felt amazing about everything that happened. It was truly an amazing celebration of two families coming together. I met some great new people and looking at picture realized how far I have come. Yet, I have so much farther to go. That's life for you isn't it.

I'm not saying I met someone because I didn't really. I didn't not meet someone either, so well, there is that. However, what I have found is that when I go into something not wanting to meet someone I usually end up meeting someone, but the second I'm like, "Hey, I think I kind of like you," the person vanishes. I have been told it is because I have some dark aura that is blocking romance in my life. Whatever, it is I am kind of feed up with it. It prompted the most recent rambling journal entry which I will now share with you my lovely readers.

This past year I have interacted in a romantic way with more guys then I have ever before. I have tapped into what was missing before and realized hey I am sexy and beautiful. This is great, but because I have not been doing this interaction for many years like most of my peers I feel I'm not that good at it. This isn't really all that true. It seems to me that no one is really good at this dating thing. Putting yourself out there sucks. This forced paring, this feeling that you've done something wrong if you can't pair off sucks. Somehow even in today's enlightened, post feminist age being alone is not something that is really ok.

However, the art of courting has disappeared making it even harder to pair off. We are expected to just fall into a relationship after a few awkward conversations and maybe some bedroom interaction. Relationships are not built so much anymore, but rather stumbled into and if you have the nerve to actually be up front about things you seem controlling. The idea of asking what is going on is foreign. I have often gotten the response, "Why can't we just live in the moment?" There is this special tap dance you are suppose to do and then you both are surprised that you are a couple.

I guess I don't know how to do this. I supposedly come on to strong. I say what I think and want. I guess this is not ok. Showing interest is something you are not suppose to do. I have come to the conclusion that if this is true, well, I don't want to play anymore. I am done showing interest and being nice. I am to tired to even try anymore. Seriously, I'm awesome just the way I am and I am not going to be meek and not say what I want. I'm not hoping into bed with you on the third date and I'm not stumbling into anything. I'm sick of having a great night and then being let down by the email of "you're great I'm just not ready." I'm happily single and perhaps staying that way a lot longer then my mother wants me too.

Things That Come Out of My Head

Someday
Someday I will be
I will understand
I won't over think
I'll just be
Someday all this will make sense
I'll understand why
I will be happy
Until then all I can do is try
Each day is a new start
Each day has the potential to be Sunday
One of these days it will be

Why?
Why is it that I'm constantly second guessing?
Why do I keep trying?
Why is putting yourself out there so hard?
Is it really worth it?
Why?

Brief but Wonderful

I'm running a marathon on Sunday!! I can't believe that it is actually happening! Also my little sister got married and perhaps I meet a holiday hook up. I'll write more about everything soon but for now just now things are going great. I love you readers and have some fun things in my journal that I think you will like.

Hold the Phone

Recently I wrote about all the great things that are happening and as everyone knows often that means life is going to test your current state of mind. Test it it did last night. I was having a wonderful evening with my friends when who should walk into the frozen yogurt place I was at the guy who is not so wonderful or amazing. This time I didn't do anything crazy. I did turn a ghostly shade of white. I just was sitting there thinking, "Really world I have lived in the same cities as him (basically parallel lives) for 8 years and never once meet/ran into him and in the course of one month I see him twice?" I realized that after the last horrible incident I never wanted to see him again. I actually wrote in my journal last night why can't he vanish or move far far away.

So I was the bigger person. I am pretty sure he ignored me, but well I just like to make my humiliation more tangible and I went and said hi. I freaked out after I left for like 5 minutes. I woke up this morning fine though. Life is great. Who cares about this guy who is an idiot and doesn't realize how amazing I am? Plus he has way too many girlfriends and not enough guy friends. I think guys like that unless you are gay are strange. I don't know why maybe it is a strange prejudice I have.

The thing is I don't know why he has this affect over me. I have liked guys more then this. I have been best friends with the guys I am crushing on. I'm not even crushing on him. I have this strange thought that we are going to have a When Harry Meet Sallyish type story, but I am by no means holding my breath for that. Life will throw at me what it will. I'm just going to go for a really long run till it disappears.

It's the Little Things

As most of my readers know I have been training for a marathon with Team In Training. The marathon is only 19 days away!! This means that I have just one more long run and then in two weeks I will be running 26.2 miles!!! I can't really believe that I have made it this far, but run that marathon I will even if I have to crawl across the finish line.

It is weird to think back to 6 months ago when I was dating someone I thought was amazing. Then he told me he didn't want to go down that road and I thought WTF? That made me take a good hard look at my life and realized oh wait I don't have a life. I am all talk and have no idea what I want to do. I think I will run that marathon I keep talking about.

You know what happened during this six month period? I learned how amazing some people are and I also cut a lot of people out of my life. I learned to put myself first. I learned how much I love to run. How my life falls apart when I don't run at least 4 miles 4 times a week. I didn't realize how much this was crucial for my life. I learned that people will surprise you. That the ones that are negative are really not worth having in your life. Most of all I learned that you just have to keep running forward because there is always a downhill to make the uphill totally worth it.

I have come a really long way in the past six months. You can't really tell from this blog because I tend to be a little sporadic at keeping up with it. However, looking at when I started it in February when it was titled "Megs Wants A Date" to now where it is "Megs Life is Great". I think right there you can see the change that has happened. At first it was just a title change. I was very much still focused on the whole single thing and the whole boy thing. Somehow in the past few months everything has changed. I think I am kind of back to the me I use to be with all the good things of the NYC Meg mixed in.

I'm not sure what brought this on, but I'm slowly learning to just go with it. I had an out pouring of support in donations this week. I almost beat Brick on my Black Berry and my job is going great. I made an amazing dinner last night and I was home by 7 today too. It really is the little things and I am just so happy I have finally realized that you should pay attention to them.

Want Vs. Need

I have come to the conclusion that I may actually want a boyfriend. I think that before now I felt like I needed a boyfriend. This is not true. This isn't even remotely true. I do not need a boyfriend. I can do everything I have been doing and be happy all by myself. I think that I lost track of that a couple years back and felt that I needed a boyfriend to make everything make sense.

I now know that boyfriends do not really do that even a little bit. Going into a relationship is hard work. If anything it complicates life. Why do you need that? Being in a relationship is something you should want. You shouldn't ever need another person to make your life complete ever.

What I have decided I want isn't anything serious. I want to be someone's something, but not their everything. I would like that person to be my something, but not my everything. Just someone to sit around with on a rainy day and watch bad movies. I want to feel that connection with a guy. I want to feel wanted not just for a hot second, but for a while. It doesn't have to be forever, but just to know that there is someone out there that would like to see me more then once a week. Who likes my company and wants to know what I have to say.

I don't need these things. My life is going fairly great right now. I've made some decisions on what I want to do and have been making new friends. I'm getting a raise next month and I got healthy insurance. A boyfriend or whatever it is that comes into my life is not going to make any of these things better or worst. It will be it's own thing.

Before I was going into every date/interaction with a guy like this would be it. This guy would make everything better. He is just what I'm looking for. This guy will make everything better. I believe we are taught this growing up. We meet someone and they complete us and we have nothing else to worry about. When we have found that person that will provide for us and us for them then life is just easy. This is a little bit of a fairytale and really just not worth it. If you can't be a complete person on your own why would you be good for anyone?

I'm not sure what has changed. I just know that I don't need anything anymore. You know that feels great.

I Hate the Internet

I hate the internet. Facebook and Twitter make me crazy. I can't stop going on them. I know way to much about people. I just want to have an actual relationship with someone yet the internet makes me crazy. That is all... I just hate the internet.

In Other News

I am seriously thinking of applying to OT programs. I am thinking of working early intervention with kids and their families. I'm still going to submit my application for Mental Health Counseling but OT sounds like something I would love.

Eventually I'll Get It Right

Last night I was laying in bed unable to sleep. A thought just kept going over and over in my head and I just was frustrated with myself. A couple post ago I wrote about the most recent guy and how I wasn't really sure how to go about this. Well I messaged him on Facebook which I find kind of lame but I'm impatient and really just wanted to um see him again... The only thing is my messaged was ignored. I'm usually fairly heartbroken and see this as some sign that there is something wrong with me. Luckily in this case I do not think anything of the sort. It kind of surprises me. I'm not going to say he hasn't become one of my daily twitter looks or facebooks but I really don't care all that much what happens. I just hate being ignored, but more then this I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I couldn't just tell him exactly what I wanted in that message.

Let's start at the beginning kind of. I meet this guy we hooked up awkwardness ensued when he couldn't um seal the deal. I have verbal diarrhea at this point and say something stupid like you know I like you. I realize not the right time to say this. I meant like I think your nice not I want you to be my boyfriend. A quick yeah so see you around and out the door I went 20 minutes later. A week later I friend him on facebook. Then talking to some friends I think hey maybe I'll message him. My message was just simple just saying how I think we should hang out sometime. I got nothing back. Lame...

Here is where I'm kind of kicking myself because, honestly, I really wanted to write him something totally different. All my friends however, told me that I would look desperate. Yet, I mean if I'm never going to see him again do I care if I look desperate? Why couldn't I have just sent the message I wanted? What am I so afraid of?

What I wanted to write was
Hey,
I had fun the other night. Would you like to go to the movies sometime and give it another shot?

What I wrote:
Hey,
When I your stand up show? I could really use a laugh. We should hang out sometime since we both live in Queens. Hope you are having a good week.

Well anyways. It was another attempt at something and all I can do is keep trying. Eventually I'll get this dating thing right.

You are Magic

One day you will open your eyes and just know what to do. Someday everything will make sense. That's the perfect day, so open your eyes or you may miss it.

Life is to be lived. You can't hide behind your fears or you will miss your chance. You don't get many second chances. So open your eyes! Open your eyes or you will miss it.

Don't think just do. Just go with it and learn to appreciate what you have and you will be much happier with your life. Trust your self and you won't go wrong. YOU ARE MAGIC.

Man O, Man

Oh blog how I love the, but how I neglect you so. I have been using the paper kind of journal for a few weeks now and jotting things down that I want to write about. Then I get home from a 12 hour day and a 2 hour run and just can't bring myself to type. Yet, I feel obligated to fill my wonderful readers in on all the stuff that is going on in my life and as the title says some stuff has been going on in my life. Man O, Man

Let's first begin with the mundane. I am getting health insurance!! This is like the most fantastic news yet. I have not been in the land of insured for about a year. I still have a few weeks to go but the first of the month I will be able to break things and get sick and not worry about how I'm going to pay for everything. Yeah!! This is beyond awesome and even more awesome my employer is paying for it!! Thankfully because I can not afford $400 a month on my own.

Second mundane thing that has happened is I got contacts. Which some how has blossomed me into someone who is gorgeous. I think that my under eye circles are more noticeable. This means I'm wearing makeup and I think this is really what has happened not the removal of glasses. Whatever it is I feel better and can see much better. My glasses were almost 4 years old and scratched really badly.

Third slightly less mundane happening is that I have begun to apply for a graduate program. I'm having some trouble nailing down my recommendations and coming up with a statement of purpose. I am excited to be applying to a program I actually want to be part of. I'm hoping I get in and that my life doesn't feel as stalled as it has been. This goes hand in hand with the program that I'm volunteering with. Somehow I became the grant writer. I feel a little bit screwed because I have a month and half to find money to run the program. Please send me ideas!

The fourth thing that happened is that well I kind of sort of meet someone. I meet him we hooked up and added each other as friends on facebook. I've decided that I want something casual. My mom says I should have a practice boyfriend and this guy fits the bill. I'm just not sure how to pursue this part. He is funny, and sweet, and adorable. I would like to pursue something very not serious with him. I'm just bad at the pursuing part because that's where I lose all my confidence. I over think and second guess myself way too much. The idea of someone saying no to me scares the bejesus out of me. However, I should just do it. The question is have I waited to long? It's been about a week and half. We didn't exchange numbers but we have close mutual friends.

Also I ran into that guy I use to call as awesome and he ignored my presence in fact turned around. That was slightly crushing, but totally necessary. I went a little crazy. It was pretty bad, but I think that is more just the week I had and my body just couldn't adjust to everything. I was having major processing overload.

So my life is going a little crazy. I'm trying to go out of my way and do different things. I am debating emailing the guy and saying hey we should hang out sometime. I just don't want to come across as a creepster or a crazy. There I go over thinking. That's my life in a nutshell. I'll write more about one thing or another soon.

And I'm Back

So it has been a very very long time since my last post. Mainly due to the lack of internet connection because a bill wasn't paid. I'm back though and am going to start posting again. I'm busy, busy and gone for the next week, but after that... I have been on an emotional roll-a-coaster for the past month and half and it doesn't see to be stopping. I just don't know what to do to stop from just accepting this big empty feeling inside. Oh well I'm pushing on and pursuing some things, but something has got to give.

Running Shirt

I am currently trying to create a running shirt with a slogan on it. I have a few ideas in my head. I want to wear them on my long runs. I'm thinking of wearing one for my marathon but I'm pretty sure I have to wear my TNT shirt that day. Here they are and I would love some suggestions. I'm also thinking of getting a shirt that says running is my boyfriend

I Run Because I'm Single
My Baby Sister Got Married So I'm Running A Marathon....
Running Is My Sanity
Go Long or Go Home

Its Been A While

I have stated this numerous times. I am an awful, horrible, blogger. I have short stints where I want to write about everything and then I just stop. I find this with pretty much any form of written communication. I have never really been a good journaler and what is a blog if not an online journal. That being said I hope those of you who have occasion to stumble upon this still come and read it.

I currently feel like I don't have much going on, but that is very much not true. Somehow I am writing a pilot program, working on a documentary, and writing grant proposals for this organization I thought I would be volunteering with just a couple times a week. I kind of love it and am totally hopefully that this will get me a job and into grad school in the spring. The organization is working with homeless teen mothers. Eventually it will be a private shelter for 5 women and their children who are not in the foster care system. It is something that I am so passionate about and I'm so grateful I stumbled upon them when I was looking to volunteer. I'm kind of hoping that I get a great grant for the pilot program and get a job out of this.

Additionally I am looking for a new gig. I am sticking with the nannying thing for probably another year but I want to pay for grad school without taking loans this time around so I need to be making at least $300 more a week. Also have a little more flexibility with my hours. I think that my old family is going to ask me back for part time and with that and maybe one other gig I should be able to bring in about $900-1000 a week. Cross your fingers for me.

The other thing that I continue to do is train for my marathon. I am doing great. This week has been fairly awful in terms of working out. I've missed two work outs because I choose to work instead. I am so glad that I have signed up for this. I have missed two work outs this week, but if I hadn't signed up for this I think I would have jumped off the deep end about a month ago. I have really found that running creates a balance in my life that I have desperately been trying to find and when I don't run I tend to get all depressed and think about things I shouldn't.

Anyways it's been a while and I will try my best to not wait so long till my next post. I hope you all have been well out in blog world.

Someone Unforgettable

I have lots to write as normal but know idea what to say. I am having an amazing week or weeks I should say. I think I do see a light at the end of the extremely large dark tunnel, which is nice. I think getting away from trying to not be single is working wonders. I ran my fast mile ever 8:38. Never thought I would write that and in 7 weeks I am suppose to be even faster then this! Um what? This former fat girl never thought I would be running a mile in under like 15 minutes.

Ok so what prompted this blog about nothing was a match.com commercial. As you all may know I was on match once upon a time. I hate dating websites. I think they make meeting people and falling in love a business and there is just something impersonal but really personal about meeting someone online. The commercial I just saw says meet someone unforgettable. Finally a commercial I can get behind for match I did meet someone unforgettable. Oh well at least I am doing amazing things even if I can't forget.

I Want A Love Story

Recently I have been pondering love stories. I would love to have one like Harry and Sally or Sleepless in Seattle. Yes, these are Hollywood versions of love, but being the romantic I am I 100% believe in these stories. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight (being that I want a when harry meet sally story I think love surprises us) but I do believe in a love story.

Everyone I know who is in a lasting loving marriage has a love story. Some are mundane, but when they tell you how they meet it sounds magical. Some are magical and make you realize that the movies have nothing on real life love and the trials and tribulations people go through to find it. My parents for example, both had there hearts smashed in their first marriages. My mother had all but given up on finding someone to spend her life with; when my stepfather came along professing his love she all but threw him out of our house. He persisted and pursued her for a year. Working on himself and getting to know my mother and her kids and won a place in all of our hearts. For what I put him through he should win a meddle. Then there is my grandmother whose spouse, my grandfather, who recently passed away. Their how they meet story isn't anything special but their love story their life together and the family they created out of their love story is something spectacular. So criticize the romantics all you want, but never doubt that there are amazing love stories out there. That is what I want and that is what you should want too.

My Break From Reality

I had a wonderful week off in what I think is the most gorgeous part of the United States. Granted I have not traveled that extensively in the US and I got to go be spoiled by my family, so I may be biased. On this vacation though I decided to not think to much about my real life. The one back in New York where I often feel like I'm rowing up stream without a paddle. Everyone asked me about my marathon training and fundraising and all that jazz and I was happy to talk about it. However, I found myself wanting to cry a lot towards the end of this vacation. I don't know if it was because my break from reality was over and I really need to face the fact that I need to make some drastic changes in my life or because my mom was playing Neil Diamond and Coldplay and every song reminded me of how utterly alone I am and how for some reason I repel the boys I like.

I'm not one for wallowing. I generally pick myself up and say oh well now what or well if it was meant to be it would have been. I have gone through lots and lots of stuff in my 26 years and have never wallowed. I don't think I'm necessarily wallowing now. I mean I have a plan and am living my life, but still seem so stuck and no matter what I do my mind won't shift gears. I come home and I just feel so useless. I think it is because I am not doing anything I find particularly awesome. I don't mean just with a job but with life in general. I just have no drive or anything that compels me to do anything at the moment. I guess my break from reality just confirmed this for me. So, hopefully over the next few months my reality turns into one I don't want a break from. I feel it happening. It is right there if only I could grab hold, but it just keeps slipping right through my fingers. Hopefully, I get strong enough so that I can hold on a little tighter and really fight for what makes me happy and say the heck with all the rest.

Can I Have A Do Over?

I have been thinking a lot lately about a certain someone. You all know who this certain someone is. I have been amazingly good and not contacted him and not spoken about him and not written about him, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I'm not going to lie it is driving me crazy. This is not who I am. I am not this girl that cannot get over a guy. I don't know what it is about him. I don't know why when I think about him I have a hollow feeling. I didn't know him long enough to have this feeling. If this was Adam it would make sense. He was always there for me. Still is in a weird way, but this guy I knew him for like a month.

I was thinking about this the other day. What draws me to keep thinking about him. Why can't I just let it go? I feel part of it is I can't handle rejection. This is an issue that goes back to my father, but I just want to know why. Maybe it is the part of me that makes me 100% female. I have been told guys never really have the need to know why. Part of me feel that if I could just have a do over perhaps I would have gotten a little bit more out of the situation. This is crazy. I don't really want one. I just want to get a certain thing out of the way and if my monthly friend hadn't been around on that infamous third date I think I can safely say I would no longer be carrying around this particular thing. My best friend thinks it is because I have never really opened myself up to a relationship and now that I have I am frustrated that I can't find one. Maybe she is right. I would just like to get to the point where someone introduces me to their friends is that so much to ask.

Anyways I would enjoy the do over. I don't ever get second chances. I don't know how the heck I could even make a second chance possible. And now I write it a second chance sounds lame. I don't want a second chance personally. I would like to give the idea of us a second chance. I guess that would mean he would give me a second chance, but in the same light I'm willing to give him a second chance right.

I think I needed to get this out there to help me get over it. I'm doing like a million things, that the fact that I am not over this is driving me more crazy. I mean between trying to get into a new grad program, fundraising, training for a marathon, and trying to start a new business I don't know how I even have time to think of this guy.

Well I'm Jumping Again

Life is still catching up with me. I'm trying hard to get everything straight, but I think I have too many pots on the oven and I'm not sure which ones to let go. I'm yet again trying to figure out what to do. I'm no good at this waiting and it is driving me insane. I'll write more later. I do have lots to write, but I'm just so so so tired.

Ah.... For Real I'm Going to Scream!!

Life is going great. I am doing a hundred million things that make me really happy about my life. However, I just want to scream because there is like one thing I want and it is just not going to happen and I just can't let it go. Urgh, agh blah... I know everything is going to be great and all that, but I'm so sick of feeling like my life is on hold. So here is my cyber scream AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Ok I'm better now. Off to bed so I can do it all again tomorrow.

Ready set............ Go

Well we are on week two of my marathon training. I love it. I am having a great time. I am meeting great people and am sure that I will have a group of great friends at the end of this. I'm so excited an happy that I am finally getting back to the things that make me happy. I am finding people who support you no questions asked and that are pretty much just like me. It is a wonderful thing. I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by people who are all working towards a common goal.

The other thing that I'm doing at the moment is Kickball. It is an interesting experience. It's just really nice to be getting out there and meeting new people. I kind of love it and totally forgot that I knew how to make friends. I'm going to write a witty (well as witty as I can be in the written word) fun post soon not just a short this is what I'm doing in my life post.

Hope everyone else is having a great Saturday!

Some May Call Me Crazy... I Just Call It Fun

Hello, Blogging community. I have a big announcement to share with you. I am running a marathon a week after my sister's wedding in October. I decided a long time ago that I was going to run 26 miles when I was 26. I thought it sounded cool. Well, as my 26th year is rapidly drawing to a close I finally got my act together and signed up with Team In Training. I am going to run the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. This is where you my lovely readers come in. I need to raise 3,900 dollars by September 30. I'm raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This is a wonderful cause and I am proud that I can put my goal of running 26 miles to use in raising money. If you have a chance go to my Team In Training website (http://pages.teamintraining.org/nyc/nikesf09/mhughesqvz)and send your friends or just write me little notes of encouragement on this blog. I'm up for any kind of support I can get.

My dear readers, I hope you have begun to see me coming back to myself in the past few months of this blog. Before all this craziness of Internet dating, I was a well adjusted young women who could have cared less about the fact that I was single. I was focusing on myself and all the things I wanted to accomplish, but somewhere between here and there I lost myself. Thankfully, with the help of some friends and the blogging sphere, I have found myself again :)

You are Never Alone

The World Wide Web is truly a wonderful place. There are two sites I love to go to when I'm feeling all alone. These two sites are postsecrets.com and the missed connection section on craigslist.org. Yesterday I stumbled upon a missed connection that I have to share. I think it sums up a lot of what us single people go through. Below is the entry from who ever the lonely person is. I hope you enjoy it and realize that, though you are alone, there are so many people out there feeling exactly the same way.


Diary of loneliness....


April 27th,2009
Stupid love....or something so called love.

I met a guy - that's how the story as usual begins.
He is exactly who I need and for whom I was waiting a very long time .
Life is not simple or easy - and no one sad it should be . Still - why , just for ones , can't things
be simple and uncomplicated .
Stupidly , unlogically I fell for a dream , for an illusion of something that I want the most .
Now I am sad, deeply ,deeply sad - it is so hard to let go of a dream , of someone who is so good that there is no way you'll meet someone even remotely alike ever again.
For 3 years I was very much happy on my own .For the first time in my life I wasn't frustrated with myself for being alone . Those 3 years of celibate ,give me time to learn myself
and accept my self .
Looking in to a mirror and liking what you see-feels pretty good .
All my hard work - to be a better person to myself - means now nothing .
Time I spent with him , showed me exactly what I want , what I miss - and what I can't ever have .
I am in pain - physically and mentally. I don't remember ever missing someone this much.
The more I am trying to stop thinking , wanting , needing and desire him - the worst it gets.
I am beginning to hate myself for being so irrational ,so unlogical.
There is nothing worst than meeting someone so good with you and for you - in a completely wrong time and place .
I wish I could understand why any of this happened. I can't find sense of it at all.
It looks like human beings are really , really good at one thing - getting hurt .
Whats better than self torture .

Now I have to learn from the beginning how to be alone and not lonely .


April 28th,2009
Addiction ....

I miss him - like I have never mist anyone else in my life .
I am beginning to think that you actually can become addicted to a person .
I keep trying to find some logic in to all this and this is the only explanation that actually makes any sens.
Some kind of chemical imbalance.....
The only thing that helps ,that calms me down and makes the chaos in my head go silent
- is talking to him. Not that this fact either makes any sens.
I thought that the longer I won't see him , talk to him - the easier it will be to just get over it .
No such luck - nothing works ,the more I try to stop thinking the worst it gets.
I am tired of myself ,of my stupidity and lock of logic.
I just want to stop and I don't know how.
I want stop waiting ....

April 29th,2009
*****
I am afraid that I will not get over this.
I hate pain that I have inside .
I don't know what to do with my self - I wish I could just forget .I wish I could stop feeling and just stop the pain .
I hate my self - I can't stand this.
How stupid it is - being in physical pain becouse you miss someone .
I wish I could just scream all of this out of me.


April 30th,2009
Another sad day .....

Finally, I found a new job.
One problem less to worry about .
I am tired today - it was a long day and I am still not done with my "to do" list .
Stupid things - like cleaning up my apartment- just don't want to get them self done.
Tomorrow again a long day. I hope I can survive it somehow and than go and have some fun .

I still miss him in a way that I wouldn't ever think I can. My whole body just aches for him . I have never miss anyone so much in a physical way. This is driving me crazy - I'm horny beyond fracking believe and there is no one else I would actually want to have sex with.
Evenings are the worst - being all by my self in my place ,where everything just keep reminds of him - not so easy .
I really wonder how is he going to behave next time he'll see me ( whenever that is ).
I have no clue what to expect .
I don't know if he really did get over whatever this is or is he saying he did , becouse he doesn't really have any other choice.
I so wish that life was just the bit less complicated.I just want to scream ....wrrrrr

Done for tonight - still got to get on with my to do list and than finally I can get some relief - mh...hot shower .....

May 7th, 2009
Gloomy days...

I am in "I don't care" mood . Nothing really gets to me .
I don't feel like doing anything becouse everything seams pointless.
I wonder if this is depression showing it's ugly head - again.

I don't remember ever being happy.Not as kid , and definitely not now.
I remember always being different.I remember people around me - looking at me and having absolutely no clue of what to make of me.
I'm 30 - and that fact only adds to all the chaos in my head .
I have absolutely no Idea what to do with my self and with my life .
Ten years ago I knew exactly what I wanted .Happy to be done with school and with head full of dreams and hopes- I was thinking that I can do everything and go everywhere.
Harsh reality have change that in a blink of an aye . No more dreams - just survival.
Somehow I ended up here - and I still have no hope and no ideas .
And what now ??
This is driving me crazy.

Late night, same day.
I am so miserable - I can get him out of my head .
I've had few drinks tonight.That makes it even worst - I can't stop.
I miss him to the point that it's on a verge of physical pain .Pointlessly , stupidly and without any logic or sense - I miss him and I cant stop.
I wish so much that there was a switch that just turns this of or a potion that would make me forget .
How much longer is this going to to hurt me ??
This was supposed to get easier with time - not harder .
I don't understand anything anymore .
I just don't....

I am tired , so very ,very tired .....

May 19th,2009
Solitude ...

Why did humanity become so ....lonely .
No one has time any more to actually care about people around.
You live in the building and never talk to your neighbors , you see people on the bus or subway-everyday ,
and no nothing about them.
No one is paying attention to the world around .
I see so much fear and ....indifference in everyone .
We live in the world that went crazy , completely and utterly crazy .
We are so lost ........

I have been where this person is. I am hoping I'm coming out the other end again. I was feeling foolish for feeling all these things for a guy, but I realize that this is natural. You have to have these feelings and go through this stuff to truly know yourself and respect yourself and be ready for the one who really is amazing. At yoga the other day our instructor read a quote from The Velveteen Rabbit that I also think is appropriate for this situation,

""What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

It is hard just hearing this and sitting and believing that someone more amazing will come into your life when it is time and you will be loved and you will be real. It is hard to have hope and believe that you will be loved and be real to someone someday. The only solution I have come to see is to live everyday and not worry about anything else. Thinking about what can be or what should have been is depressing and hard. I have started opening myself up to all the potential around me and I am ready to accept all the potential I have in me. My life is about to start and it has taken many heartbreaks and much hurt, but I am coming out on the other side a better person for it.

Lalala lala Life is Wonderful.... Jason Marz

This week has been fairly awesome. I just have really started to take pleasure in the small things that I have been doing. Maybe this is because I finally started Yoga or maybe it is just because I have realized that life is to short to worry about what is going to happen. Whatever happens is going to happen and all I can do is actively seek things that bring good things into my life. I have known this for a long time, but I am just starting to really accept this way of life. It isn't worth worrying what someone thinks or why they aren't in your life because life is too short. There is so much to be grateful for that it just doesn't make sense to sit and worry about all the things that are going wrong.

I have to say losing my Iphone was probably the key to this revelation. If it hadn't been for this I would not have let out all the stuff that I was keeping bottled up and would not be ready to move on. The last month I have just felt like something was crushing me and all I wanted to do was cry and on occasions I was that girl walking down the streets of New York crying. Once I let go of those things I think I was able to focus on the larger picture.

I know I am ready to move on with my career and my life. I just have to be patient and allow myself to see all the opportunities and amazing people that surround me. I have to appreciate where I am because it is going to get me to where I am going. Life is wonderful; you just have to open up your eyes, stop, and enjoy it.

Ah Life...

I just reread the my post from last night. I'm not wallowing. I totally thought I was going to wallow. Whatever, life is what it is and it is rather sad that I was so attached to a phone. I have been having a great weekend. I'll post more about it later. Besides for the blip of the phone falling out of my bag everything is going great and I start Kickball in two weeks. So excited!! :)

Why Does Stuff Keep Happening To Me?

I am currently slightly inebriated and watching Love Actually and thinking how much my life sucks. Not that I have a sucky life, but just lots of sucky things constantly happen to me. Why is it on the day that I am feeling happy about myself that I lose my $200 iphone? Why is it that the day I have decided not to contact the boy that I lose everything. It is like everything that can go wrong often does. I just don't get it. I am an awesome amazing person, yet nothing ever seems to go my way. Oh well, right? Perhaps someone will have a stroke of kindness and I will get my phone back. Until then I will sit an read Harry Potter and wallow in self pity for a day or two.

Eventually something will go my way, right?

Where is the Pause Button?

I have been super busy for the past few weeks and 100% unable to process anything. I have figured out what I want to do and have tried to keep focused on that but half the time I wonder if it really is what I want to do. I feel like a ball of nerves and all I want to do is cry... When does this get better? Is there a pause button on life? I need a break.

I'm Tired of Waiting

I feel the need to write about my favorite show this week, How I Meet Your Mother. This weeks episode had Ted, male version of me, in a chance meeting with his ex Stella and her now boyfriend. Hilarity and self growth ensue. At the end of the Episode Ted says to Stella "I want what you have, but I'm tired of waiting." Being that I am exactly like Ted I wanted to be like, "Dude where are you? I'm coming." I know, I know, he is a fictional character, but a girl can dream.

I'm not looking all that hard. I am waiting and it feels like I have been waiting for years and years. I'm not sure if it will ever come. This great love I'm looking for, and maybe I am setting myself up for being alone since I won't settle for anything less. I've seen so many great loves in my family that I don't think I could settle for anything less. When you know what's out there you just know you can't settle. It isn't fair to you or the person you are settling for. I am ok with being alone. I know it is a choice I am making because I would rather be alone and happy then in a relationship I know is not amazing. So, as much as I'm tired of waiting and often doubt why I am waiting and what I am waiting for. I will wait longer and cultivate my life because in the end the best and most amazing relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Letting Go Is So Not My Thing

I've been trying really, really hard to let go of things. It has kept me from being positive in the past, but at the moment it seems to be keeping me a little stuck. As much as I say to myself I have no control of said person or situation I just keep dwelling on it. I say I'm not going to talk about it or write about it and then I find myself going on a 20 minute tirade about said topic. Aw man... I mean when I say I know I have no control and I've let go, it's true, well kind of. I know this I have no hope of what I want in my head to happen to actually happen, but I can't seem to get my head to remember this on a daily basis. It doesn't help that I have been having vivid dreams about all this stuff as well.

The problem is every time I start to be like oh well that guy was nice maybe we will run into each other someday, I come up with something he can help me with. Now in my opinion any normal guy who has said that he thinks we want different things would not respond to my emails. What does this guy do? He sends me links and names and encouragement. Why could he not just be a dickhead and ignore me? Then I would just feel like a loser for a day and move on. No, he keeps sending me responses and my little heart says well maybe if I keep doing this he'll realize.... What I should do is never contact him again and I totally would do that. (Here I go making excuses to keep him in my life) Except for the fact that he is friends with the director of the graduate program I am applying to and has offered to be a reference. I am not turning that down. I just want to know if this is normal? Do most guys do this kind of thing for a girl they dated for a month? I mean come on it kind of seems to be above and beyond the call of an acquaintance. I'm not going to knock it. it is helping me and in fact got my life going in the right direction. I just don't understand why he will go out of his way and help me with this stuff (I knew he was nice but come on) and yet we can't just hang out as friends.

Anyways I responded to his last email with a thanks and I'll let you know when I get in touch with this guy. Would I love it if he randomly emailed me? Yes. Do I need him to? No. Do I need him in my life? No. My life is pretty perfect without him. It is better because I meet him. He was the kick in the butt I needed to get my life back on track and he was surprisingly an excellent connection to get said life back on track. Maybe someday I'll run into him and I'll be able to thank him in person, but for now I'm content with our little email relationship and happy knowing that I have come along way from the girl he meet three months ago. So, maybe I have kind of let go?

The Dream Is Being Tweaked....

Well today I can say I'm still in pursuit of my dream but realized that it needed a little tweaking. I'm applying to a counseling program and am going to focus on youth and hopefully if all goes right teens with eating disorders. I am still pursuing the green whole life but realized that I truly have a passion for helping teen girls who have eating disorders. I was one of those girls. I am still one of those girls and there is such a need for girls who have the other eating disorder, the skinny eating disorders black sheep sibling, that there are people who know what they are going through. I'm realizing what I really want to do and taking steps to live me dream. It is kind of liberating...

Unexpected Changes

Well,today was an interesting day. I had the whole day off. This is very rare and when it happens I usually like to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. However, today I ceased my weekday off and got some side business and some life things done. It was all together a rewarding day, yet I'm very scared at the road a head of me. I've pretty much decided to take my life in a different direction than I ever dreamed about and this scares the crap out of me.

I think the journey to get me to this path came about two year ago when I started doing holistic nutrition. This focuses on the whole mind/body approach to wellness. Which is pretty much a no brainer in my head. Of course when the mind is sick the body is sick as well. Everything is connected and all that good stuff. Anyways I started opening myself up to opportunities that I probably would have never seen if I wasn't where I am at.

I'm starting my own business and pretty sure that I am going to go and become and integrative nutritionist. Both things combine passions of mine to live a whole complete life and to help people. I'm opening myself up to the possibility that life is not what I expected it to be and learning to let go of old dreams and let new ones blossom.

It is a strange thing letting go. It is really hard for me and as I was talking to my mother today I almost started to cry in the bookstore. I have held on to this belief of what I am suppose to be for so long that letting it go is so hard. It has been a process that started when I moved to NYC, but really realizing it and letting what I know in my heart to be true and letting go of the ideas I had for my life is so hard. I know that I will not be happy until I can fully recognize what I am becoming and what is right for me. It is just hard to accept that life has other plans then the one I was working on (even if that one wasn't working for me). I know that I am passionate about health and wellness and getting people to recognize what we put in our body matters. I think I have started to discover the path I am suppose to go on. It just isn't the path I thought I was going to be taking and it is freaking me out just a little.

Ok so that was a heavier post then I was expecting to write. Hope everyone had a wonderful Monday.

Wait, What? I have a life

A funny thing happened last week when I decided that boys should no longer take up copious amounts of my time, I discovered I have an amazingly busy and awesome life. Wow, go figure. This also kept me away from blogging for a bit. It is funny when you realize you have been too busy to care about the stuff that was keeping you down you actually start enjoying yourself. Yes, I thought about you know who a little much last week. However, a lot less then I was and I realized that well if he ever does come back into my life, my life is going to be great without him he is just a added bonus. For that matter if anyone comes into my life that is going to be just a bonus.

I stopped turning down outings and started acting like my old self again. I forgot how much fun that actually can be. I am putting myself first. If I don't who will? Just that change of mentality changed pretty much everything. I have discovered when you stop talking about so and so and start not really caring your life does become way better. Here is to having a life and enjoying said life. It's bound to create some fun things to blog about.

This Wasn't Suppose To Be Like Dating

Yesterday I wrote about how I wish I hadn't emailed the guy for job hunting help. Now that I emailed him back I wish I didn't do that either. Why can't I just let it go? Whatever, it doesn't really matter and is not what this post is about.

Singlutionary commented yesterday about how she thinks flailing for a career is similar to flailing for a man. I couldn't agree more and felt I needed to write more then just a short comment back on the subject. In today's world for some reason we are suppose to know just what we want to do and do it with passion. When we don't know we feel lost. It is similar to the panic you feel over when you find a guy and then lose him or feel like you are never going to find him. What are we to do when we feel like we need both to be a complete person?

It is interesting that Singlutionary brought this up because at the moment I'm reading What Color is Your Parachute about finding the career you will love. The first thing he mentions is that the job hunt is like dating, so you have to get ready for rejection. As I continue my job hunt in this fairly fruitless market I see how right he is. It is like dating and it is also making me feel a little desperate. I know I'm awesome. I know I would do a great job at all of the organizations I have applied to, so why won't they just interview me. I am constantly saying to myself "Don't get down someone will eventually notice you and your wonderfulness and all will be right with the world." However, when you are trying to date and trying to find a job your life can be slightly miserable and you constantly feel like no one wants you.

It's ok though, I have started a few new ventures with friends and figure eventually everything will fall into place. You just have to have a bit of faith and a little bit of courage. It all works out in the end... At least that's what I've been told.

What Exactlly Do You Want From This?

I've been having to ask that question a lot lately. What exactly do you want? Why are you doing this? What do you want to get out of this experience? The answer is usually a shrug of the shoulder and an um. I mean I have no idea what I want out of anything. I tend to talk a good game, but then realize to late that it really is just talk.

I had a fantastic weekend with some amazing girls and it made me realize that maybe I do need to start think of what exactly I want. I mean without a clear picture of anything how do I expect to get anything? Of course with a room of all girls the talk was mostly of boys and dating. However, the question of what exactly do you want came up. I think for me this question goes a lot deeper then what kind of relationship. I think I need to figure out what kind of life I want. A guy would be nice, but if I don't know what I want from life how can I even remotely think of what I need or want from someone else in my life? I think I got my point across. They did get a kick out of the fact that, though, I think one thing I keep scaring guys away with talk of commitment. Then after I talk about commitment, I'm like wait what? oh no I did it again.

What really got me thinking about what exactly do you want is I did seek out the help of a certain someone. He did reply to said email. Which is fantastic, honestly, he is a great contact in the field I'm interested in. However, I was not expecting a response and now that I got one I'm not entirely sure I wanted one. Oh man... What did I do now? The problem is I don't know what I want from this relationship. Why do I keep seeking his help? I don't need him in my life. My life is going fantastic at the moment. Lots of things cooking on the stove and lots of opportunities. I emailed him back tonight. I'm not playing anymore games with this. If I want a friendship emailing him should not be a big deal. It is what it is. If I do get a friendship out of this great. If not well who really cares. I guess I'm actually, dare I say, over him, but at the same time not. Is that even possible?

I know I should not have emailed said person. The fact I have just spent most of the post writing about emailing said person is point enough in itself. I am kind of over him. I am kind of not. I kind of love the idea of him, but maybe not him? I don't know I stopped making sense weeks ago... What is it that I want.....

End of the Week Rewind

I'm not sure why this week was so hard. In reality it was a great and easy, though long, week. I have finally meet a group of nannies that I fit in with. This makes life bearable. I started making myself a priority again, and though I still have a hard time getting a certain someone off my mind I'm moving on. I just would like to thank the people who read this and who comment or not comment for bearing with me this week. I just was in one of my moods. For some reason writing an online journal that people can read helps. Go figure. I was never much of a writer, but well this is working for me.

As you can see I changed the name of my blog. The web address is the same because I don't know how to fix that, but going with the whole I'm happy being single thing, I realized I don't really want a date. I mean dates are great, but I'll just treat myself. I have lots of fun stuff coming up, so May should be a happy posting month. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Those Clothes Do Nothing For You...

Today when I was walking home I spotted a bunch of girls all tarted up. I have always like that word ever since I read Bridget Jones. Not only were these girls all dressed in really short dresses and really high heels they were acting like idiots. As I was watching this display I thought, "Man I hope I don't look like that when I go out." As I was thinking this, I heard a man behind me say to his wife, "Why do girls think clothes will make them beautiful?" I thought this was an interesting question. As I often do I turned and told him so. I didn't linger long, but I did hear his wife say "Well for some people clothes help."

I thought this was a really interesting, and though I'm sure he didn't mean it like this,an insightful question. Do clothes make you beautiful? Can you be beautiful while wearing an old t-shirt and jeans? Do you have to get all tarted up for a man/boy to even notice you? Do they think you are beautiful or just some easy game? It really is an interesting question. We all learn that clothes and appearance don't make the person. We are suppose to know that beauty comes from the inside, but when we watch TV and see shows like Americas Next Top Model we forget this. So, in order to win someone over we dress to the nines and perhaps look a little slutty. But just remember, clothes do not make you beautiful beauty really is a whole different thing. Just watch Beauty and the Beast... There is a great lesson there.

Is this week over?

Well I just have to say that this has been by far one of the longest weeks of my life. How is it that though each week is the exact same amount of time one can feel longer then the other? I just don't get it. Nothing is going badly just nothing is going great. I'm in this super funk and I just can't get out of it. I don't know if it is because I had such a good time in Maine or if it is because I feel trapped in a job that is going nowhere quickly. I guess I just feel like at 26 I thought I would have a lot more going for me.

First of all, I realize I have been kind of doom and gloom all week. I am in general an upbeat, happy, look at the bright side of things person. However, I just am like so ick right now. I guess that makes me want to talk valley girl. I like just don't know what to do. I'm trying to figure out my next move. Should I stay in NYC? Should I move to Maine/NH? Should I just flee the country all together? What the heck do I want to do? Should I finish that masters degree I just can't stand? Ugh....

I'm not sure how I ever even thought I could start a relationship with someone when I am so obviously in flux at the moment. I also have to say I am 100% ok with the non relationship status of my life. I feel like I have to keep saying that to people. Is it because I was so focused on getting said relationship? I realized for the past year or so I have been talking about little else besides getting a guy, once found talking about said guy, and once dumped talking/thinking about said guy for another few months. What the heck happened to me? I was so not that girl three years ago and I am so never going to be this girl again.

So, I have to stop myself from talking just about guys or said losers that I have seen in the past year. I'm done with it. It is a waste of energy. I have hidden my profile on Match and vowed not to set foot on that site for at least two years. I also have joined a kickball league, am starting to go back to my meetups, hopefully starting yoga and going to the gym. My goal is by the end of 2009 to be at my goal weight 150 (only 25 left of about 100) and to have started a job that will lead to a career. This is now out there and thus, means it will be done. I don't want to disappoint.

I have stated taking steps on the career thing. I have found jobs I want to apply to. I bought a book about how to find jobs and get interviews. I know face a problem, however, as Amazing Guy would be a really excellent contact/networking person for me. He has sent me some links in the past, but that was before I super screwed up and sent him that email. I'm just wondering if I email him asking him if he knows anyone in any of the organizations I'm applying to if that is a bad thing. I think I know my answer is don't email him. It would be stupid. If I even think that I'm emailing him for any other reason other then job search related I shouldn't. I'm almost 100% sure he is seeing someone else and I know I made an ass of myself last time I contacted him so that should be that... Oh why can't I just let things go... and so the longest week continues and I still feel in limbo about pretty much everything.

I always wanted to go back... Wait, what?

Yesterday I saw one of the most fantastic movies 17 Again.. First, it was the most cheesiest awesome movie I have seen in a long time. Second, all I need to say is Zac Effron's hair... Third, why hasn't Matthew Perry done more since Friends?

Coming back from my week of awesome vacation has been rough on me. It has been really hard for me to adjust to life back in NYC for some reason. I had a fantastic time at "home" and realized that my life and I have blossomed into someone I am happy to be. However, back at my NYC "home" I'm feeling isolated again. I think it is partly because I feel a little stuck. I am working as a Nanny while I try to figure things out. However, this job is really isolating and I have let a lot of things that make me happy fall to the wayside. Mostly it is because I have little to no time to myself. I work from 7 to 7 and have an 30-45 minute commute there and back.

Anyways, I have been recently thinking about things and how to make myself happier and more whole person. I realized that I cannot be happy in a relationship if I am not 100% satisfied with where I am and who I am. If I'm not my own person the idea of an us consumes me. I think this is what happened recently. I had a life, but not much of one and Amazing Guy came and filled a void. I need to fill that void on my own. I am not someone who needs a guy to complete me or wants a guy to complete me. A romantic relationship, in my opinion, is suppose to add to you. Your partner contributes to helping you achieve your dreams, but you do not depend on them to complete you as a person. I think that because I felt like I had nothing else going for me when I first started seeing Amazing Guy I put all my energy into him. I didn't go crazy. I wasn't texting, emailing, or calling all the time. I did think though, that he was the answer to all the problems. That is the problem. A person is never the answer to your problems.

What does this have to do with 17 Again? What does this have to do with going back? As I said going home was a wake up call for me. I realized that I had a great life. That I had accomplished lots of things. More importantly I realized that I was ok, if not happy, with being single. I realized that there is still a lot of work that I have to do before I could even remotely commit myself to someone. I also realized that going back "home" is not going backwards. If I'm happy there I shouldn't keep myself from being happy because I think that people expect something different from me. I've started applying for some jobs up in New Hampshire and am debating applying to the MSW program at UNE for the fall. I think I need to change things up again and shockingly I think this means going back... I think there is some unfinished business up there. I mean I always wanted to go back, right?

Glutton For Punishment....

Recently I wrote about Amazing Guy. I thought we seemed to hit it off pretty well, but after our 3rd date he sent me an email claiming we are looking for different things and he doesn't want to go down that road. I was/am slightly devastated. He was the first decent guy I had met on Match or just anywhere. I'm not sure what I wanted exactly but I knew I wanted him in my life. I guess I was a little to honest a little to soon. I don't know if I was hurt more by the email, by not knowing what caused this decision (emails/text initiated by him everyday, 2 7-8 hour dates, emails while he was on vacation, this went on for a month), or just by the fact that this meant he wasn't going to be in my life anymore as a makeout partner or otherwise.

The problem now comes to the fact that I was slightly determined that he was going to become my friend. I don't know why we couldn't be friends. We hit it off really well. I mean yes I was still slightly into him, but I have suffered through unrequited love my whole life (um... hello best friend in high school 4 years running). I can turn into the sister/best friend and I'm good at it. I also feel like I'm lacking some 20 something single/non-single but fun friends and males as well. Perhaps I should have realized that this was not going to happen my only question is why. Why would it have been so bad if we were friends? I should say that we may have made it to friends had it not been for a drunk email I sent after being ditched by someone after a long night of having fun. I'm talking 7pm-3:30am and being stranded on the Lower East Side all by myself after said "friend" totally disappeared with a guy. I felt pathetic (not that pathetic because I had just got hit on by 4 guys but still ditched) and thought AG would never do this to me. Why aren't we friends? And then proceeded to tell him the exact same thing in an email at 4:30 in the morning. In this email I also wrote that I was slightly drunk and slightly annoyed.

Yes.... after a whole night of not texting him I did something so much worst and email!!! Argh.... I probably looked like some desperate chic who didn't want to let him go. I honestly just wanted to be friends. Alas, I so screwed this up. Do you think there is anyway that I can salvage something from this wreckage? My best friend told me though this email was maybe to soon and a little strange he couldn't fault me for being honest... Oh man.

Anyways, being that the Internet fuels my flame for finding out things and I did meet him on match I went on match recently. Though, after the last time I'm not going on anymore. I'm joining a sports team or something. I just need to get out there. Ok tangent over. I looked through who had viewed me and he hasn't been on in 2 weeks. I don't know why this affects me. I think it is the idea that he may have found someone, but instead of telling me he was seeing someone else he had more of a connection to he did that whole I don't want to go down that path. Both hurt but I would prefer honesty to trying not to hurt my feelings. I know I may be jumping to conclusions. Perhaps he just got sick of match like I did and has more restraint. Obviously I'm still kind of into him or this wouldn't bother me. I think that I am more into the idea of him or the mystery of what really happened and I can't get it off my mind.

Regardless of what the case is AG is stuck in my head and I just want him out. It's been a month. I met a new/old guy to crush on, but still AG keeps popping back into my head. I think it comes down to when you meet people you connect with you don't want the connection to just be gone. You don't want them to disappear from your life. It is rare that you find someone who you can talk to for hours and have fun with and I missed that. I was hoping that I would find a new group of friends, but instead I found a tiny bit of heartbreak.

Life According to Mitch

I have been debating whether or not to share the philosophy of Mitch, a guy I meet at a bar last week. I'm not sure I want to validate what he says as being true, but like any drunk crazy guy at a bar there is always some merit to what they say. I think the truth that Mitch spoke is in the three types of women, but I'm just not clear as to what exactly it means.

First, I must start off by sharing with you all the amazingness that is Mitch. Mitch is a 28 year old something or other originally from New Orleans. He moved to Portsmouth, NH via Portland, OR. The reason for his move was a gambling problem and a bad relationship. He introduced himself to me by asking me if he smelt like a campfire. When I told him no and asked why he would smell like a campfire, his reply was when I cleaned out the ash tray in my bathroom I started a fire that melted the linoleum. I turned to my friend and told her we had our entertainment for the evening.

Anyways, as the night wore on my friend and I were casing the place trying to find any eligible men. Sadly, most were accompanied by females. Mitch noticed this and then tried to give us dating tips. I told him that I do not go to the men, they come to me. I'm sick of approaching guys. I mean come on is chivalry dead or more accurately when did guys lose their balls? That is another post, however. I have to give Mitch credit for trying to help me. He was also another guy who assumed me and my friend were just out looking to get laid. Again that is another post.

So, this is a snapshot of Mitch. Mitch who was very strange and a little off his rocker also offered up this assessment of women. There are three types of women Sexy, Hot, and Cute. Sexy girls are your type A bitches/sluts. They bang 'em and leave 'em wanting more, but never give it. Hot girls are the girls who know they could be sexy, but don't go around sleeping with everyone. Cute girls are the ones you take home and want to impregnate and have meet your folks. We then asked Mitch what we were. I of course was cute. My friend was hot with a little sexy mixed in. I kind of agreed with this (not his assessment of my friend. Though I think being Hot is compliment. I think she might be Cute/Hot). I feel that Mitch has a good clear idea what women are like and who is who.

My question is what are the guy types? Probably something like Douche, Jock, and Nerd. I would love to hear my readers thoughts on this.

Ah... Life Can Be So Good

I recently mentioned that I took a trip home for my vacation. This trip ended up being exactly what I needed to get out of one of my funks. As I mentioned in my last post I was becoming exhausted with life in general. I was dating guys (one of which was great. Well, maybe two), but they all seemed to not be ready to be in a relationship and I just felt like something was wrong with me. This trip made me realize that nothing is wrong with me. I was just hyper focused on how I was not with anyone. I realized that I don't actually want to be with anyone. That if something happens that is great, but I really have to focus on all the other stuff I have going on.

I was reading on the Singlutionary about match.com. I have to agree with the idea that it was forced dating. I was meeting guys that I would want to be friends with, but for some reason I could never become friends with them. I don't know if making out crosses some line, but we never really did more then that. I was getting frustrated by this form of dating. Every time I got told it wouldn't workout I thought what the heck is wrong with me.

So, I have decided that I am going to just be happy. It is amazing how much just being happy can change everything. Today I got a million compliments on how amazing I looked and I felt great. I guess what they say about taking control of your own happiness is true. You have an option to either be happy with your life or not. When you choose to be happy and choose to look at the bright side it is amazing how many good things actually do happen.

We all need an Ego Boost....

So, I am currently visiting the small town I hail from in the Northeast. I love it here, but whenever I come home I am automatically reminded of how single I currently am. I have to say that this was starting to bother me, but I realized just the other day how boring my life would be if I was not single and living in a small town. It is for some people. However, if I was living 10 minutes from my parents and had a baby and had to rely on a car to get me anywhere fun (which is like 40 minutes away) I would probably go crazy.

Yet, when I come home I still revert to my lonely high school self. I know I am neither lonely nor in high school, but here I feel both. It doesn't help the situation that last week I had my heart minorly crushed by someone I was totally in like with. So, here I am in my small town feeling slightly less awesome about being this amazing girl who moved to the city. I needed an ego boost big time for many many many reasons and not from my mother or other family members.

Luckily for me being in a small town you run into people you once knew quite often. Even luckier for me I ran into one of my crushes. When we are slightly down and a little out it is always nice to hear the person say "Megan?! I thought that was you... You look amazing.. What are you up to? We should hang out sometime." Coming from someone you pined for as a form fat girl nerd who was always the nice girl and never the girl anyone remotely thought of as cool or fun it just makes you smile. I of course replied "I live in NYC and am working on my graduate degree. You know just living life. I would love to get together and catch up. " Flashed a big smile and was on my way. It was exactly what my ego needed. My slightly bruised is anyone ever going to want me ego is feeling boosted enough tonight to hit the town with another high school friend and flash a smile and hopefully get a free drink.... Ah I love being the swan.

Really that's it?

Ok so I am an admittedly awful blogger. I try people and I promise to try to be better. I just always forget I start these things.

I feel that I need to play a little catch up now on my life. As this says I want a date and I can say I have happily had a few over the course of the past month or so. Three with a fantastic guy and a couple with people who do not even come close to someone I would consider calling back. I honestly thought the three with the fantastic guy was heading somewhere, but alas, I always make it to date 3. This is what today's post is about. What gives?

I'm not entirely sure what happened with this one guy. I did not feel like I came off as needy or that I wanted too much from him. However, after date number 3 I got an email saying we are looking for different things. Oh really and I would just like to know what that is. I can say I'm not surprised. Maybe I projected I don't go on more then three dates or at least I don't expect it. I have standards and I don't put out unless I know I'm the only one you will be sharing your bed with.

I was a little down hearted only because I felt I had hit it off with this guy on lots of levels. I was fine with this not happening, but disappointed that I was losing someone I thought I would be really good friends with. I have attempted to bridge the friend zone with him. I have had a little luck, but so far I think he probably just thinks I want to keep him around. I just would like to know if it is even possible to become friends with someone off of match.com. I also would like to know what it is about me that gets me to date 3 and then nothing. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

To IM or Not to IM?

So, I have recently been emailing this nice young man on Match and yesterday he asked for my screen name. A year ago I would not have hesitated when it came to IMing an online guy. It is kind of like talking on the phone, right? Well after a year of online dating I'm not entirely sure this is true anymore.

Let's first talk about the positive aspects of IM. It is a great fast way to get to know each other. It is a good tool for people who are a little scared of phones when they first meet. In general IM is a great tool for online dating. It is a nice second step.

Or is it? I have in the past had amazing online relationships with guys. They have lasted a couple months and have been great. Without meeting we feel like we have connected and even talk about things that I would not talk about until like the 7th or 8th date. Is this ok? Online has changed lots of things about how we interact, but you don't honestly know a person until you have met them. You don't know if you actually have chemistry until you have that first meeting.

So IM is a positive thing. I think it is great for getting to know someone. You just have to be careful that you don't invest to much time in the online part without going on an actual date. Dates are important. Dates are the whole reason you do this online, bar, speed dating setup things.