It's Official

Well everyone it is official I am a grown up.  My first Thanksgiving was wildly successful and I am so thankful for everything.  The first thing my girlfriends said to me was how cooking Thanksgiving was a rite of passage to womanhood.  I laughed and said I just blogged that. Life has been crazy this week and it is only Wednesday, but even though the rain is pouring down I have a smile on my face.  Life is surprising me and I'm delighted by this.

Carving my first turkey

First things first I'm sure you all want to know all about my wonderful meal.  Guest arrived between 1 and 4.  I was happily cooking in the kitchen with football in the background.  The final guest arrived just as I was finished carving the turkey. Which was the best turkey any of us had ever eaten.  My roommate told me that it tasted like chicken (I guess this is a good thing).  I'm not really a fan of turkey and I loved it too.  I said something along these lines and then realized that it sounded like I was fishing for a compliment.  The meal was amazing I made turkey, stuffing, roasted root vegetables, Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.  My friends brought mac and cheese and corn bake casserole. The food was amazing and we happily sat in a food coma for an hour or so.

Thanksgiving Day Spread

Then around 8 my friend got a phone call from a guy that she invited who was without family for this Thanksgiving.  There are no words that can describe Chad.  He was special.  I give the best directions ever.  I'm not just saying this.  When it comes to directions I can get anyone anywhere.  Also if you get off at the right place my apartment is a straight shot from the subway. Chad had been wandering for hours in Queens or so he said.  I tried to give him directions over the phone but even that was to much for dear Chad. We finally gave up and the girls, yes that's right, the four girls who had never meet this guy who seemed to be rather drunk went to pick him up.  When we got to Chad he was telling us all about how he was planning on buying us blue roses but the blue roses at my bodega were not good blue roses because they were obviously dipped in food coloring.  According to Chad the blue roses in the Bronx (but he doesn't live in the Bronx) look so real that he was shocked to learn that there aren't really blue roses.  Thus, began our night with Chad.  It really just got stranger from there.  Words cannot describe.  He almost came to blows with my mother because she said Colorado was part of the Dust Bowl.  My mother has been teaching American History for 20 years.  Needless to say we ended the night mostly just listening to Chad and then looking at each other with the WTF expression on our faces. So, my friends and I have been living off Chad stories for the week.  I think the people who were not at my Thanksgiving are sick of hearing about him.

All and all this years Thanksgiving will go down as one of my favorite Thanksgivings yet.  It was weird not being with family, but it was also rather nice being in a room full of friends I see frequently.  I didn't have to answer any questions about my dating life or what I'm doing for my career.  I'm thankful my parents came.  It was so nice to show my family why I stay in this city and struggle and scrape together rent.  I think most of all it was nice for them to see me in my element and for them to see the life I have made for myself here.  I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for after Thanksgiving.  2010 has been a weird year but as it comes to a close I have to say that for all the struggle it has been one of the better ones.

Growing Up

I am hours away from hosting my first Thanksgiving.  This is the first Thanksgiving in my memory that I will not be celebrating with my mother's family or at my mother's house (Luckily for me she and my step dad made the trek down here for my first solo Thanksgiving). It is a break in a 20 year tradition and it got me realizing that it really is a sign of the end of my childhood.  It is something I've been thinking of since the last Harry Potter opened this weekend. I know I'm closer to 30 then 15 and I have long been an adult, but there are certain things that make you realize just how far from childhood you really are, and for me Thanksgiving is one of them.

Wednesday Pie Night 2008

Thanksgiving more then any other holiday for me is steeped with tradition.  It was always a holiday I spent with my mother and there was never any special things done because my parents were no longer together.  It was just about people who loved each other getting together and being thankful for each other.  As I grew older things changed but only slightly.  There was always one or two aunts that came up on Wednesday to make pie.  I always watched the parade and then the dog show with my sister.  My grandmother has always teased us that she use to be a Rocket and my sister always believed her.  I have never missed a Thanksgiving in Maine and this year it was really hard for me to even say the words.

After Thanksgiving dinner walk... Yes I grew up here

However, things have been changing.  Slowly as my families small families grow up we separate into our smaller units that are also getting bigger.  My cousins are starting to go off to college.  My sisters are married and at in laws and quite frankly all those wonderful traditions that remind me of my youth and comfort me are dying away. I'll miss my cousins and the after dinner walk on the beach.  Elmhurst, Queens is just not as beautiful as York, Maine.


None the less, this year I decided to just go it alone.  I didn't think my mother would come down here (I'm thrilled she did). I wasn't sure if anyone would want to come to my place, but as I look at the RSVPs and see 10 yeses with guest I feel blessed that I can provide a home for people to celebrate in. As the stress of preparing a dinner for 15 people starts to set in  I realize that I really am a grown up now.  I just hope the turkey cooks all the way through! ;)

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Single is just a Status not a Way of Life

Recently I have been reading all my favorite dating blogs and it seems to me that their has been a call to defend the fact that we are single and happy.  I have loved all these post.  I love hearing the I am single and happy and this is why.  The thing that really bothers me is that why does it even mater? Why is my relationship status always at the forefront of everything.  I am single and I am happy, but unlike some of the post I have read I think I would be just as happy if I was in a relationship. I am not here to say I choose to be single.  I don't choose to be single.  I just am single.  I guess I will choose to be in a relationship, but from my experience the relationships that work are with those people that don't really have to work on being in a couple.... Well that isn't true we always have to work at being in a relationship with anyone.  I guess what I mean is that the people that I see as happy couples are the people who didn't ever define themselves as single.  They are who they are regardless of their relationship status.


I don't know why I'm having such a problem with this idea that I have to defend being single.  I feel that when we go around doing this it almost is like we are trying to prove to ourselves that being single is ok. I was reading a magazine or a blog or something that was listing all the great things about being single.  While I was reading this list I was thinking, "Well all those things make me sound really selfish." All those great things make me sound like I hate all my friends that are in relationships. All of these articles basically were attacking the idea of being with someone.  Let's be honest if we really are happy about being single we wouldn't be on Match and OKc and going on dates.  We would just be living our lives.  When we list all these great things about being single we are just trying to make our single selves happy saying see being single is great.  It is, but so is being in a relationship.  One isn't better then the other.  We need to get over proving that being one is better then being the other.  There is nothing wrong with me being single and there is nothing wrong with my sister because she chose to get married.  She found someone and it works.  I haven't found someone and it works.  I'm happy regardless of the fact that I haven't found someone.  It isn't because there is a list of things I can do because I'm not in a relationship.  When I finally meet someone I'm going to be happy too. There are days that I will hate being in a relationship.  Just like there are days that I hate being single.

I have been working on the issue of defining ourselves.  What labels we have put on other people and what labels we accept.  I think for the most part that it makes us unhappy. For the longest time I was living a life that was all about the labels that I thought I needed to fit into.  This is how a 20 something in NYC should be.  This is what a single girl is like.  This is what a nanny looks/acts like.  I should be like this because I'm single.  If I do this I won't be single. All these things made me miserable.  Trying to fit into the definition that people impose on you is exhausting.  I've tried to stop this.  I took my status off of Facebook, I stooped using dating sites. I started acting how like myself again. I started living despite of the labels not because of the labels. You see I never cared that I was single until I move to NYC.  I never used it as a label until I hit 25.  I never saw it as something good or bad until my friends started getting married.  The past few months I have come to a realization that I am single and that doesn't matter.  It isn't because of all the things I can and can't do, but because honestly it is the smallest part of who I am.  It is the least important part of my life.  Someday I wont be single anymore and that will be great, but just like being single didn't define me neither will being in a relationship.

I Give Up... Um Well Kind Of

It's funny I said I gave up on dating and then I reopened an OK Cupid account.  That seems counter productive, right? I don't know.  I have no desire to date, but yet something in me wants to, but I'm full of contradictions so it makes sense honestly.

I have much to fill you in on in matters of the heart blog readers.  There have been a couple guys and a few missed dates as well as some poorly place emails and phone calls. Where to start and what to share is always the complicated part.  All the stories lead up to why I am giving up yet again on the whole meeting someone thing.

The first story begins at a friends party and it ends at the same place a week later.  I'm not sure what happened.  The first night I didn't even like the guy.  However, he was a player and I was up for a game that night.  The next week the game continued, but it was played out rather quickly.  Unlike most guys that I have meet in the past year or so I had no desire to see this guy after our second meeting.  This is rare for me, but let's just say he is just not worth my time.

The second story is the Halloween story.  Saturday night I had a ticket to a party in the Meat Packing District.  You should all know I never go out in the Meat Packing District.  This is not my usual scene and even worst that this I was very sick.  I had spent the whole day sleeping.  I set my alarm so that I could go out.  I paid money and bought a Big Bird costume do you think I was going to waste either of those things? Of course not. My friend and I arrived at a super packed bar and met up with her non boyfriend/ex boyfriend who had a good hour and half start on us on the open bar.  I had taken medicine and was trying not to drink.  I succeeded in this almost.  I also learned that even one drink on cold medicine is not such a good idea.  At this point my friend's non boyfriend was not happy and decided that he needed to leave.  Making my friend not so happy, but being the good non girlfriend she took him home and took care of him.

Check out that eye makeup. How could I not go out?

This left me all alone in the Meat Packing with all my other friends all the way across town.  Here I was all alone feeling ok and not wanting to go home, but there was nary a cab in site, so I wandered alone by myself dressed as Big Bird.  If you have read any of my post you know that it is in these moments that I am weak and if there is a phone around well... Yes, that is right I called the guy from this summer and texted the boy I don't want to waste my time on.  One of them responded. Guess which one? The most recent guy but he was in Las Vegas so I was off to find a...

Cab to the East Side, but there was no cab to be seen.  I almost got a Pedi cab to bike me over 30 blocks for $5. This is where Halloween Boy enters.  He was dressed as David the Gnome and was also in search of a cab. You could call him my Halloween hero because we got a cab and he decided that we should go on a date.  Dear readers if you remember Halloween is the only night of the year I get dates randomly at bars.  I never say no to a date.  Dates are rare in NYC.  However, this guy wanted to come to my place and cook for me. Yes, for the first date he wanted to come to my place.  After a Monday of really thinking this over I tried to change it to drinks.  I didn't have a date and I haven't heard from him since. Again I'm not all that torn up about it.

So, to summarize I almost had a date. I meet a guy flirted with him for 2 weeks and moved on and am still semi hung up on the guy from the summer.  Yet, I really don't care all that much.  I'm apathetic, but as a friend pointed out not apathetic enough to get a boyfriend.  I'm not sure what that means. The whole they will come when you aren't looking thing, but she says I'm never not looking.  I don't get it.  I am not looking.  I don't care one way or another, but I do have a dating profile up.  Yes, I go on to it occasionally, but I don't really do anything about it.  I'm busy I'm not sure when I would have time to date.  I barely have time for my friends. That's it really I give up.  There is nothing I can do or not do or pretend to not be doing that I am doing.  There is a guy out there for me he probably will show up sooner or later.

Well It's Been A While

Start of my 2nd marathon. Yes that's a Lobster on my head

Hello interweb I've missed you... um well kind of. As most of you who read this know I kind of went MIA.  I have no idea what happened.  I meant to post weekly if not bi weekly post but you know what they say about the best intentions.  Life I guess got the better of me and my writing habit went that way.  I also felt I had nothing much to write about here.

That is changing I'm going to sweep the cobwebs out of my head and start writing again.  Even if what I have to say really has nothing to do with anything. There are a few things that have happened since last I wrote.  I ran my second marathon and had an eventful Halloween dressed as Big Bird.  I will write about all these fun events this week, but just needed to jot down a quick hello.  I missed you blog.  I'm looking forward to writing about the next few months.

Being Me

Over the past weekend I had rather a strange evening.  Usually with the strange evenings comes the next day of OMG I meet someone and he was fantastic let me text him now.  You see in the past this would mean the world to me.  This boy would validate this empty part of me that was unsure about who I was what I was doing.  I know I know a guy is never the answer.  I knew this.  I know this.  I am not a woman who has ever gone out of my way for a guy, but I lost my way a couple years ago and NYC and friends made me feel that the only thing that would make this better is if I found someone.  After all, isn't that all that has ever been missing in my life?

However, a stranger thing happened on this strange weekend.  I have no desire/need to hear from this young man.  He is not the answer as a matter of fact he is probably the anti answer.  I don't know what changed. I don't know if it is because I intentionally decided to flirt with the guy I knew had no potential, but I don't think it is.  I have found something that was missing in me.  This sounds so weird, but it is true, for the past few years I have been walking around empty.  Searching for something anything that would make me be better.  Make me feel like I could fit in with everyone.  I thought finding a guy would do this.  I thought not being a nanny would do this.  I thought losing weight would do this.  The thing is nothing did this.  Nothing that I did made me feel better made me get back what I had lost.  The thing in me that made me me.  The emptiness the hollowness was there and wouldn't go away.

The journey was a long one.  It started when I first moved to NYC.  I went on a health journey and lost 100 pounds.  It was amazing to not feel like the fat girl anymore.  However, this didn't fix anything I still felt empty and lost.  Even more so because what I hid behind was gone.  This didn't fix me so now what?

I dropped out of graduate school because it wasn't me.  However, with that I gave up on a dream.  I became a nanny.  I was ashamed of this.  I still have issues with this.  I went on dates trying to explain who I am.  Why do I have to do that? The answer is I don't.  I became consumed with proving to these guys that I was smart.  I don't have to prove this.  I am smart, witty, charming, nice and people like me. The only person I ever need to prove myself to is myself.

However, this all changed for me a few months ago. I am happy to say this.  I have found myself. Life started to make sense again.  I am not afraid to be me.  I have found acceptance of who I am and trust in something that I never really thought I would have ever.  I never thought that this was going to be me.  I never thought I would be writing a blog about how when I started going to church and believing that my life started to change.  It is the truth, though. Three months ago I was lost, scared, tired, and alone.  Today I am none of these things.  Even when I screw up I don't feel lost.  I don't feel scared.  I'm not worried about what people are going to think of me. Life makes sense again.  I finally have learned that being me is a wonderful thing.  I don't know why I ever thought it wouldn't.

Sitting Here

I'm sitting in Starbucks thinking I should be working on that 1000 word personal statement about why I like kids.  What am I doing instead looking at facebook and surfing the web.  It isn't productive.  I don't know where my drive has flown of to, but it seems to have migrated south for the winter about two years ago.  How exactly do you get this drive back? I think I know what I want to do, but then I have no desire to actually do it?  Does this mean that maybe this isn't what I want to do?  I thought that when I figured things out well then everything would just fall back into place.  It isn't seeming like that so much.  My drive and desire haven't come back even though I know what I want to do.  That is why I'm just sitting here staring at the computer screen wondering.

What I Want

I constantly say that I am done with dating. That is not true I am not done with dating what I am done with is how we date today. I want to be courted. I want what my grandparents and my mom and stepfather have. I don't think this is old fashioned. I don't think it is a crazy thing to ask for. I think that it is something that all people should want. It is a little mission of mine to bring back dating. Real dating where the people are chaste and it makes the coming together all that more great.

This being said I know I am not going to find my future guy online. I have learned this. I am not going to meet him at a bar either. I should say the online thing I'm sure about. I haven't really ruled out the bar thing. I just know that I would like to meet someone at some point in an organic way. In a way where they actually have to talk to me. Where when they have had enough of me or I've had enough of them we know we have to have a conversation not an email or a text dismissing the other person. I want an organic relationship one that happens one that is not forced one that I fall into. I am not pursuing anyone at the moment. I want to meet my best friend and if we start as friends even better. I don't want to start dating someone because that is what we are suppose to do.

I had this long talk with a friend last night and she kept saying "You so want a boyfriend." I kept saying "No, I don't so want a boyfriend." It is just something everyone talks about all the time. My girlfriends and I are constantly talking about the latest guy. I don't know how to change this. It is like the pursuit of getting a guy is what we have become. It is rather tedious. I've learned that it really isn't worth talking this all out all the time. Rather it is nice to just know what you want and be you. Then just live it. I'm working on it and trusting that what is suppose to happen will happen.

Life is a learning experience and it is a fun ride. I make mistakes but I learn from them and I'm making a home for myself here in the city finally. It's nice to feel like I am finally figuring things out and nice to start feeling at home in my own skin. This is what I'm learning.

Facebook Makes Me Feel Lame

I was clicking through all these post today on Facebook and everyone has amazing summer vacation and travel things up. I have none. Yes, my camera went kaput and I can't buy a new one yet. Still Facebook makes me feel like I lack a life. There have been studies on this. Everyone updates and connects and all that, but it is all show. Well, most of it. Yes, there are the rare status messages of Ugh and wow bad day, but mostly Facebook is a land of shiny happy people. I know this, but still as I contemplate the summer coming to a close, with nary a summer photo of me having a fabulous life in the Hamptons or on some beach some where drinking my sorrows away, I think wow I had a lame summer this year.

It is what it is some summers will be better then others. It is just with everyone posting about all there amazing time well it just makes me feel lame.

Navigation Down

This summer has been an interesting one. I have had some blips that have cause some questions to keep coming up over and over and over again. The cliches are going to be flying tonight. I feel like I'm rowing up stream without a paddle and that I'm a broken record. I am constantly repeating what should I do now what should I do now. Where am I suppose to go from here? I have been trying to figure this out for the past I don't know 2 years. If you are a reader of this blog I would say that it is a running theme in pretty much ever post. This is leading me to do some different things this summer. Have been living almost with no navigation system. My inner GPS, if you will allow, keeps giving me faulty directions and making me take the long way around or perhaps the the guy driving my car wouldn't let me stop for directions. I have started doing somethings this summer which is truly allowing me to get back to me.

The first amazing thing that happened was that I got an apartment all to myself for the summer. This was a blessing as it has allowed me some time to really be by myself. Yes, in my real apartment I can close the door and all that but there is something about living by yourself that is totally different. This whole place is mine and I don't have to worry about anything. It is freeing.

The second thing is that I have started exploring faith. This has been an interesting thing for me and it has been hard for me. Allowing myself to say that I trust in something other then me is hard. I realize also that I don't really trust myself either. It is really an interesting thing for me to realize. I thought that I trusted other people, but as I am exploring this I realize that I do not trust. I have found a great community that is really helping me understand how to believe and how to trust in not only myself but in God. It has been amazing for me and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I'm getting back on a track that I had lost.

I also have given up the dating sites and dating in general. I realized that I need to learn how to trust and learn who I am before I can be with a guy. This has held me back so much. Yet, there is such a peaceful realization in my life right now. I'm thinking that perhaps with any luck my navigation systems are coming back.

Running

As most people who read this blog know I run. I run for lots of reasons and I run marathons. It is something that I do that I have control over and that I feel accomplished about doing. However, my life is in a bit of chaos right now as I only have a part time job and I have to pretty much take any babysitting gig offered to me. This means my sleep is kind of all over the place which is making it hard for me to do early morning long runs on the weekend. This is driving me crazy. I need to start doing these long runs or I'm basically screwed.

Running is something that is suppose to take the stress out of my life. It does. It is also helping me focus on what is going on and what I need to fix. Sleeping for example needs to be fixed. If I want to run a marathon in October I must start sleeping like a "normal" person. Also with lack of sleep comes poor eating habits again something that needs to be fixed. I never thought I would be asking for my old job back but life was so much easier then. I may have been taking advantage of but at least I could run. It's funny because now I have all this time to do other stuff and be social and I am wishing really that I could just work 60 hours and run.

Any marathoners out there have tips on how to squeeze in a long run if you don't go to bed till 3am?

Getting On With It

Well if you follow me on Twitter megslife1 you know that I am taking a break from dating. I'm not sure if I can say that this is 100% true. What I am doing is not doing online dating anymore. I tried it once and then stopped and then did that over and over again about a billion times. There are things some people are good at and other people are not. I am no good at online dating. I don't know if it is my pictures or my profile, but I get nary (I always wanted to use that word) a email or a response to my email. I don't know why. I don't know if I perhaps exude my lack of knowing how to date or be in a relationship in my profile or my lack of confidence in what I am doing comes across. I have had friends read all of my online profiles. There are no spelling mistakes and I think who I am comes across. However, I'll be honest I don't really care all that much about it. There are some things that I think should be done offline and dating is one of them. I think that all this online dating has taken away from what dating actually is. All this hooking up and options and empowerment and choice has left us unable to some extent to choose to date one person. I would love to meet a guy and I will not be doing this online. I will meet this person some how. I know that but it will not be after I have exchanged a million emails and had a phone conversation with someone.

So, for now I am getting on with it. I'm trying to figure out how exactly one dates without the trappings of the Internet and what I want my dating life to look like. This journey should be an interesting one. I will be courted. Is that even possible anymore?

Fear

I have been writing and re writing this post for weeks now. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I have realized that I have been going about life terrified of something. I'm not really sure what this fear is. I think I have been afraid of everything. Afraid of success afraid of failure. Just generally afraid of everything.

Fear is a tricky mistress (I've always wanted to write that). Every time I think hey I'm not afraid anymore something inside me goes "Whoa don't even think about it." I push everything away and then wind up stuck and afraid. So, this brought me to reevaluate my life. After a few hiccups and a big what the heck moments I started going to church. It isn't churchy church and the more I go the more I think I might need to go to a churchy church. There is something comforting to being in a group of people who believe again.

Anyways this has helped me move on in a lot of ways. I'm not sure what is going to happen with all of this. It has only been a month, but it has been a really great month and for once I don't really feel lost or afraid.

Why Can't I Move On?

It has been over a year... Way over a year. I went out with this guy for a month and half. A tiny little blip in time in the grand scheme of my life. Still... Still... Still... I want to bump into him on the street. Still I want to be friends with him. I want to be part of his life in some way. The idea that I will never see him again leaves me anxious. I know it is crazy. I have said I don't understand it. There have been other guys. Heck I just screwed up with another guy and already I don't care about that one.

Why is this? I'm a romantic but I am also a pragmatist. I know that life is not a fairytale. I don't think that I will be walking on the street and he will see me and be like "Wow, Megan? How have you been?" Then we will be friends. I wish that would happen, but I don't believe it will and I'm truly fine with it never happening. Still part of me feels like I missed something with him. Oh well... I'm still trying to move on. What's the deal with that?

Oh Man

I was just re reading some post from March Austrian Boy month and I can say nothing has really changed there. We don't text and Facebook as much. I think we both kind of realize that it isn't really worth it. I don't know. I posted how I messaged him last Friday after my humiliation. I think I need to expand on this. He was idle on Facebook before my friend Adam could disuade me from sending him anything I messaged him
"Hey I know you are busy on vacation but part of me wishes you were online. I had a really bad night and for some reason you always make me smile."

I think this pretty much cements the fact that I like him, no? I'm not a guy but if a guy sent that to me I think I would be like yes or Oh God. He responded to me with a text. We texted a bit over the weekend. But... I don't know I just don't know.

I don't know if it is the distant that makes this something that I am interested in. I don't think so. I have liked this guy since I was 23 years old. I have developed a friendship with him. I would be more then willing to let something develop. I would risk it. I never want to risk it.

The drawbacks: He is still getting over his ex. I'm not about to move down there for him. He would not move here for me. (getting ahead of myself) How would I eve get something started.

Why am I even thinking this? I dated some guys since going out with him, but still the person I am happy to hear from at the end of the day is him. He makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. He cares for his friends. He is a nice guy.

I don't want to be like it is because of last Friday... It isn't. I have been thinking of him for the past few weeks. Anyways it's just on my mind.

I Have A Problem

I started this blog about me dating. I have made some great blogging friends but haven't really established a following and have never really wanted to. Recently though this has started to change. I am finding that I enjoy blogging. I kind of do want to "make it" as a blogger. I have started another blog that I love. The problem I have is do I start making this blog more public? Ok so really there is only one person I would not want to read this and it is Austrian Boy. I have made this blog almost impossible to find in Google. I actually made sure of this when I meet him when I went to DC. I don't think that he is on the internet googling me. I just I don't know. Anyways how exactly does one create a blog following?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have been avoiding writing this post. It makes me feel stupid and I didn't really want to share it. I haven't actually shared most of what happened with anyone. I probably won't share much more in this post other then I did something that was stupid in regards to a boy. I hate that. After a couple years you think I would stop this, but no my overwhelming need to be wanted always wins out in the end. I have deleted this boy from my life both literally and figuratively, but still I wish he had come and said to me you shouldn't feel stupid, but yeah that would be to much to ask.

Well at least I didn't allow the fade. I may have looked like an idiot, but that's just me.

Big Things People

So all I have lots of things that I have going on. I am going to go to Church this weekend. I found a wonderful church in NYC that I am going to try. I think it is right up my ally. It is a ministry that cooks dinner and then sits down together. I hope it goes well. I could really use a community in NYC. I'm going to try a few places out, but I'm hoping this one works the best.

Also marathon training started. I am in love with it. I went out with Niketown today and it was wonderful. I did feel like I was running through a warm bath. I think we are dealing with 100% humidity and that kind of sucks.

The final thing is that I started a new blog. It isn't connected to this one at all. I created a new email address for it and will probably be blogging there more. I am still using my name Megs though because well it is me. The new blog is going to be amazing. Please check it out. I am really excited to be writing it and hope to update it daily or at least tri weekly. Stop by and check it out.

Serious Stuff People

Today as I was walking to pick up the youngest child I watch at camp I was trying to figure out how I keep getting involved with guys that so obviously don't want to be involved with me. How is it that I keep missing the signs and why is it that I form attachments so quickly? Honestly the last guy I could care less about, but still part of me wants him to be like, "Hey, guess what I actually like you and want to date you." I was thinking on this and it came to me rather suddenly the answer and it is deep stuff here people. I have this idea in my head that if I can get a boyfriend then I will have proven that I am normal and worth it. I have for the past 5 years since guys started showing and interest and I started letting them been absorbed by the idea that if I can just get someone to like like me then I have proven that I am worth it. Yes, this is sad but it is true.

I don't think I'm worth it so I then make guys prove that I am correct. I latch on so tight in the first few weeks that honestly I would dump me too without giving me a chance. Especially since I live in NYC and there are girls jumping up and down to sleep with these guys. There is no need for them to put up with my need for reassurance that they like me.

Going along with this I have decided that this is going to be a boy free summer. I cannot deal with this and get my life started on the track I want it to. Then maybe in a few months I can get back into the dating pool, but right now it doesn't make sense. Also feel a huge sense of relief that I have come to this realization. I'm sure in a few months I really will be out of this funk and ready to be the best me I can be and then the guy who I decide is worth it will realize how lucky he is.

A 2 Year Funk

I've been in a funk for 2 years. Ever since I decided not to pursue my MA at NYU. I have gone way off track. It is finally catching up to me. The boy once again is the tipping point. I use to be cool and people wanted to hang out with me. I don't think that about myself anymore. I'm not someone I even want to hang out with at the moment. Which sucks because for the next two months I have my own place and this is kind of making it obvious how much I don't like myself at the moment. I'm working on it and thankfully marathon training has started. I just need to get out but am so stuck that I can't even figure out how to do that.

Mixed Messages

I was going to write a post about chasing and being chased. As everyone is pointing out to me I'm doing the chasing at the moment. I'm not even sure this is true. I meet this guy over Memorial day weekend. He is a nice guy and we chatted for a long time the first time we meet before going back to his place ( I never do this ever ever ever). Then spent the day together until he had to leave for DC for the long weekend. I saw him one more time after that. Then didn't see him for three weeks. I kept inviting him to things and he kept declining and also I sent an awful embarrassing email to him about not ignoring me.

So, I had sworn him off. I thought I put myself out there enough and really I came across as some crazy girl. I deleted his number and I was done. However, not that done. I found his number on my phone and texted him last Friday. We texted very minimally that night. He told me where he was and I went and found him. I didn't go up and say hi to him. I didn't know what I was doing there. I still don't know what I was doing. I don't know, but I was there and he was there and I was uninhibited. I guess that is what you can say. One thing lead to another and we ended up back at his place again. We spent the whole day together the following day. Then the when will I see you conversation begins and I don't know how to do this. Now the cycle of me chasing and him pulling away has begun again. I don't even know what is going on. I don't know what I want and I don't know what he wants and we never talk about what happened the night before the day after.

All I know is that I am fairly clueless about what to do here. He keeps talking about how he is probably moving. His wall is up on having a relationship. My wall is up on really letting him in and we never get to the crux of the matter. I keep saying it doesn't matter we aren't really doing anything serious. I just want to have fun and with this guy I've let down a lot of my walls. I don't even know how to have the this is what I want what do you want conversation. Recently Dan from The Gateway Boyfriend said maybe I'm the one sending mixed messages. I was taken aback by this at first but he is right. I pull away. Then I go full bore the next day. He wanted to know when we could see each other again. I decided to make that happen. I didn't wait for him. However, when I see him I'll probably be all timid and shy and not know what the heck I'm doing. He will be happy to see me and have a great time and at the end of the night be like well I'm moving you know that right. Neither of us will let our guard down but when we are together it is great. I guess I should jump and see what happens. The question is just how far do I jump?

Life Is What You Make It

I'm going to be writing two post today. I'm on vacation and just ran a sticky sweaty awesome 5 mile run and had two post pop into my head. One will be on dating and the other is this one. It's just about figuring out life and being me. I'm feeling fairly good about things even though in reality my life is falling apart in many ways. I'm kind of just letting it. If that makes sense. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, but letting go of holding on too tightly. I'm happy and it will work itself out and if occasionally I slip up and forget that things happen for a reason and there is little power you have over lots of things. You really just need to be yourself and be happy with yourself.

As I was running today I was just thinking about things that make me happy. I moved to NYC 4 years ago. It kind of shocks me that it has been that long. I have been so focused on the failure of not having recieved my master and working as a nanny that I forget to look at what I have achieved. I may be up to my ears in debt I cannot pay, but I have figured a lot of things out. I have lost over 80lbs in the last 4 years. I came to NYC the heaviest I have ever been. I am at the moment the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and running marathons. I am healthier then I have ever been and can look at myself in the mirror and be happy most of the time. I don't think food is the answer anymore and that isn't where happiness is. It is wonderful.

I figured this much out and I'm working on figuring some other stuff out, but I'm just happy. I''m thrilled to be who I am and where I am. I may feel stuck and I may feel that nothing is going my way from time to time, but when I run and really look at myself is that who I am is great. That is a nice thing to remember.

When Will I Get This Right?

I just am not good at playing this game. I want to be better at playing the game and not making it obvious that I like him. I hate this part. Oh well I'll keep playing the game poorly.

Why I Hate The Phone

I meet someone and all my insecurities are coming up. We are both busy people and well we only get together if we both seem to be going out. Then we proceed to hang out for the day. Then I don't hear from him. I don't know what to do. It isn't that he doesn't show interest, but there seems to be something going on and I don't know.

Anyways this post is about why I hate phones. I hate phones because they bring up all this stuff that has to do with my dad. I can't handle not hearing from someone. Not knowing when I will see this guy again is driving me cray and I called him. He was at church so couldn't talk. It's been two hours now. No way he is still at church. I can't say hey it isn't that I am needy and have to see you but all these weird feelings come up when I don't know what is going to happen. I spent my life being marginalized by a guy and I can't handle this. I can't like you. It makes me crazy. Everything is going great if I could just let things go and not have this need to know when I will see him again. I hate the phone because it is the pretty much the symbol of all of this and for a tiny little things brings up all my insecurities.

Sometimes

I think that my life is suppose to be much more fabulous then it is. I don't mean to sound conceded, but I'm awesome and funny and yet my life is not a reflection of my creativity or my awesomeness. I somehow have lost my awesomeness. I'm not sure where.

I cried on the phone with my mom tonight. I never cry. I am do for a nice long cry. I sucked in the tears a bit tonight. My mom already thinks I'm about to go jump of the Brooklyn Bridge. I just realized that I have never ever done anything to make myself happy and as I'm looking to start a career or something I want to do what makes me happy. The problem is I have no idea what that is. I've been trying to fit this picture I have had in my head so long that I don't even know what makes me tick. I know I'm not the only one. However, I think most people have something that makes them happy. I run and that keeps me from going bat shit crazy on people and to this extent keeps me happy, but when I think of what I do in my spare time I can't think of anything.

I started drawing again. I haven't drawn since high school. I was a good artist. There probably was potential there at one point, but I let my creative side go a long time ago. I was a smart girl smart girls didn't take art and cooking. I was signed up for AP and Honors classes. My elective was college lever psychology and sociology. I had no room for art. I had more important things to do... I was going to save the world and become a senator. I also didn't get into photography so instead of taking drawing II like Mr. Phipps wanted I dropped art. I mean that was just for fun. Now I regret it. I wish I had stuck with art and taken cooking classes and pursued my dreams of creativity when I was younger. I miss it...

I guess I sort of have my answer. I just don't know what to do with I want to be creative and travel. How do you turn this into a career that pays? How do I make my life as fabulous as it is suppose to be?

Do You Ever?

Do you ever think man why did I just do that? I think my life is full of this. I'm not sure if you would call it regret exactly. I never really regret what I did all that much but just think if only I had better impulse control. This knee jerk reaction or need to act really only affects me terribly in my love life. I am not one to sit by the phone waiting for the guy to call or text. If I want him to call or text me so badly why can't I call him. All the other stuff about dating no longer matters really so why is it that we still cling to this communication thing so dearly. Why can't the girl be the pursuer without being needy and clingy? This is what I ask you dear readers? A guy pursues a girl and it is macho. A girl sends a guy a few text asking him to hang out and she has put all her cards on the table. I don't know why this bugs me so much. Maybe it is because I live in NYC and guys here do nothing... I have been with one guy who initiated in the past year and half and I'm not even sure how that happened. Why are guys so freaked out by girls showing in the action way that we want to hang out with them?

There is background to this and I am sorry that this most recent guy has come to me at a time when I am just so fed up with men and dating in general. He probably would have been a decent summer casual dating thing. He may still be. My friend's keep telling me not to rule him out. However, all the other dating advice I have gotten is I came on to strong. He knows I like him too much. WTF? I don't even know what that means. I like him too much. He got that from a hookup/movie date, a text, a phone call, a group outing, a email and another text in the course of 3 weeks? I don't know maybe I made it to easy for him. This is not that much for me also. I am an uber texter. I am working on this. He hasn't really been scared off. I'm not sure if I will ever see him again. He has sent return text to the 8 I have sent him (with the exception of last week when he lost his phone). All questions about a group activity.

I think that my problem is I over think things. The thing is that it isn't me who starts over thinking it is everyone around me and then I do. Then I think well if I did this and he did that what does that mean? Oh if I send him this text now right after he sent that text does that look to needy? If I call/text/email am I saying I am so available for you there is no chase involved will he not be interested anymore? These questions are stupid. If he is interested it doesn't matter what I do to an extent. Really we have to wait and see. There isn't much give and take at the moment. Which does suck. I am putting in the leg work, but does this really mean that this relationship is doomed?

I sent him a response text tonight and then a invite text for a weekend thing as well. I promptly shut off my phone and got into bed. If he text back great, but this text did make me think, "Oh man why did I do that? I've put all my cards on the table." Oh well... I just have to wait and see and not care... It's the not caring that is the worst.

So

I was looking at friend's wedding pictures on Facebook just now and something hit me I have no desire to be married anytime soon and two I don't even know if I want to be in any kind of relationship. What the heck was I getting so worked up about? I love epiphanies.

Someday

It will all make sense and then I will just think wow the 20s were an experience. I'm working really hard on letting things go. I'm hoping that things will work out. I hate modern communication. Remember that scene in "He's Just Not That Into You" where Drew Barrymore's character talks about all the ways you can be rejected. I think that is my favorite part of the whole movie. It is just so exhausting and not worth it. I've been trying to take a break from gadgets but found myself texting someone tonight. I shouldn't have texted him. I don't know why I showed my crazy or was too into him. I'm letting it go. Maybe he will show up tomorrow. Maybe he wont. I don't think I really care either way I just wish sometimes I knew why. I know there is no answer or whatever, but honestly I have lived my whole life not getting the guy. I just thought maybe just maybe. Oh well. On to the next one I guess.

There is my stream of consciousness for the week.

Real Life

I have no desire to go to work and I am just finding it horrible. I'm done with what I have been doing. I applied to a "real" job today in a city that away from here. I'm just hoping that this holding pattern life has been in stops soon. It has been way to long since I was happy and understood what was going on with my life and bills and living. Anyways real life is catching up with me and I'm not so happy about it.

Life

Is catching up with me again. I'm not really sure what to do. I think I need a vacation. At least I get to have another month and then it is the wonderful state of Maine with family and beach and camping for an entire week. Just 20 days to go. Seriously need some family face time. You know when you just wish your mom was like right there. I want my mom so bad right now. I also just want someone to tell me what to do with my life. I can't do what I've been doing and I think I am finally ready to re enter the world that I left. I have taken a long enough break and I've gotten so far off track... I'm not sure if that is exactly right, but I forgot myself a while back and now it is time to re enter the world that I wanted to be part of a longtime ago. I need to stop running and realize that my life is what I make it and to make it something you need to be proactive.

What To Do Now

Ok so as always I turn to you all when I need some dating help because well I need all the help I can get. I texted Friday night boy yesterday got a response of yes we should hang out again sometime! I responded with let me know when you are free. Now I know I should not seem overly eager and I probably should have waited. Well it's me and I think that is stupid so I didn't. Here is the problem. I am thinking of inviting him to trivia with a group of people. Should I call and do this or just let sleeping dogs lie?

Seriously People!

A car alarm has been going off since 5:30 am outside my apartment. It is a holiday weekend. I have slept maybe a total of 12 hours in 3 days. I am going to kill someone. This is how people snap seriously,people, seriously. I'm moving to the woods in the middle of nowhere.

This Is What I'm Bad At

I meet a pretty great guy last night. I said I was going to open myself up to the possiblity this weekend and wouldn't you know the universe supplied the goods. He shares the same name of He Who Shall Not Be Named and Austrian Guy a friend and I had made a pact we would no longer date people with this name. I guess there is always an exception to the rule and his real name isn't that name. It's confusing and I like him.

Yesterday was girls night for the first part of the night. My girlfriends and I went to see Prince of Persia (amazing) and then met up with her guy friend and his friends who had a poker night. I ended up in a corner by myself when the guy I had eyed when I first walked in and saw the group came up to me. We talked for well the next 4-5 hours I guess. I had no clue if he like me (we all know I'm awful at that part). My friends kept telling me to seal the deal also not so good at that and neither was he. I think together we may have had the game of a second grader. I ended up at his place under what I thought was just a line that we would go see a movie today before he went away for the weekend. Well when we arrived at his house we actually did look up movie times and I showed him "Laser Cats" and "MacGruber". I feel these are things that any 20 something really should know about. I was a little surprised at this because really who gets a girl home and then doesn't put on the moves?

This morning after my fitful sleep we did go see "Shrek". Then he packed and went off to DC for the rest of the long weekend. I now get to do the part I suck at and wait for that phone to ring. I am not going to call/text or anything. He said he was going to and he had fun and I need to trust him. He is not all the other guys I have dated he is a new person. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I just don't know. It seems a little to good to be true. I have to keep telling myself I deserve to date a nice guy and he is a nice guy.

We All Know I Love Them

So there is a chance that I could win tickets to a wonderful concert weekend to see one of my favorite bands She & Him in one of my favorite states Maine. I'll already be there for my vacation visiting family and what not. Here is the link http://natevafestival.com/nateva-contest/ cross you fingers. It's out there. Crossing my fingers this would be awesome.

I'm tired

Ok it is almost 2am and I should be sleeping, but there is something I need to write about. I have been trying to think about how to write it for the past few days and will probably write more on this subject, but as of late all the blogs I read about dating have been kind of sad. Everyone seems to be getting dumped by their potential mates and getting into funks. I have been there. I think I am actually in a constant state of being there. However, as of late I have really started thinking is it worth it. Is all this effort to meet someone really worth it?

I think the conclusion I have come up with is no. Dating is not worth it. It is not even remotely fun and it is hard work. There is so much more we can be doing with our time and yet we spend it trying to figure out who to date and where and what it all means. I'm sorry but after a month of trying unsuccessfully to get back out there. I don't really care anymore. I have said this a number of times before, but have never really meant it. All this searching takes away time from things I actually want to be doing. All these dates that lead to nowhere just take up time. I don't want dating to feel like looking for a job.

Therefore I think the best thing for me to do is just stop. I'm not saying I'm going to stop dating. If I meet a nice guy and he shows interest I'll go on a date, but until these nice guys start showing interest I'm just going to start doing things I like to do with no hidden agenda. I want to join a running club because I would like people to run with. I think I might sign up for an art class because I want to start painting again. I'll meet interesting people and that is all I really want is to have interesting people in my life. This will lead to me becoming a more complete person and when the right person steps into the picture I wont be so focused on the relationship, but instead focused on what makes me happy and maybe just maybe then I will allow myself to be happy with someone else.

Beef Jerky and Bars

Well my dear readers I actually had a weekend last last weekend and by having a weekend I mean I worked till 11:45pm and meet up with friends at 12:00. The parent's I work for told me I had to go out when they got home because I looked amazing and had no one to worry about in the morning. So, there I was off to go out at 12am on as Saturday.

I honestly didn't think anything was going to happen and in all honesty nothing much did. I am in kind of a crazy place in life right now and even the thought of flirting with a guy is kind of tiring. The wonderful thing about this is that you totally let your guard down. I know the whole when you aren't looking adage. It isn't even that. I just don't even care. What I would love is to be in a relationship, but I have no energy to even think about getting into one. I'm a conundrum. I don't care about seeking guys out but I would love to be in a relationship... That makes no sense. Welcome to my world.

Anyways, back to the non story story I am telling. My friends and I ended up going to a wonderful bar on the Upper East Side. It is super low key and like only 10 people were there. Perfect for a tired nanny who had no desire to go out. We were there drinking and chatting and noticed a cute guy. The only cute guy in this bar besides cute Irish bartender came up to my friend and goes, "I know you. We meet a few years ago, but I had a beard then." My other friend and I are laughing hysterically. You see this girl knows I think pretty much all of Manhattan. Every time we go everywhere she meets someone. It's just amusing. I digress though because this story really has nothing to do with Beef Jerky boy.

So, we ended up leaving this bar to walk my other friend home and as we were walking I noticed this extremely tall guy. Readers, I am not short and love love love it when I get to feel small next to a guy. This guy was tall and cute in a very dorky way. If you have ever watched How I Meet Your Mother he was Marshall. Seriously this guy was Jason Segel's doppelganger. He pointed it out by saying, "Please don't say I look like that guy from I Love You Man." Well I'm laughing hysterically at pretty much everything at this point. Life is so random. He goes "I want to dance with you." I smiled and said, "Well Ok." So he starts spinning me in circles in the middle of 2nd ave. I was smitten, but also thought there is no way he is into me. He kept trying to get us to come with him, but my friends weren't having it. He said to me "I'll walk with you for a bit anyways." Then we had to part and with this sad puppy dog face he says "You really aren't coming with me." I looked at my friends and they just shook their heads. I was like I guess not. He then informed me that he works at Tin Lizzie on the weekends and in the summer when he is not a high school math teacher. I melted a little more and then he asked if he could at least get a kiss on the check. Yes, just on the check. I'm smitten do you get that. He is like the perfect guy for me. A 28 year old high school math teacher. I would love to say that I gave him my number and he gave me his and we have called and gone on dates since last Saturday, but alas I was clueless and he didn't ask. So for now I have been making short appearances at Tin Lizzie in hope that Beef Jerky Boy is there and he remembers me and that he is really and truly single and looking and not just looking for a hook up for the night.

The name Beef Jerky Boy comes from my friends who noticed that's what he was eating as we walked by him. In my state of thinking man he is tall I didn't realize he was eating anything.

And here is a pic of his doppelganger since I don't have a picture of him.

The Perfect Song

This pretty much describes my state of mind. Don't you love when you find songs like that?



Here are the lyrics:


Remember last summer when we had the chance
To find each other, start making romance
But it didn't come off because you found another
Without one hand of a clock, what good is the other?

And I can't find no true love, oh baby, it's so hard
And I still think about you every time I'm riding in my car

So I went to the place where everybody hangs out
To see what everybody was talking about
And over in a corner all alone with you
Was a boy from last summer singing songs to you

And he can't sing like I can sing, oh, it's so hard
And I still think about you every time I'm riding in my car

When I'm home alone I can think of other things to do
But when I'm rolling in forward motion I think about only you

It's been a year and a day since I talked to you
I don't know how I made it, but I sure have been blue
And every time I think about what might have been
I jump in my car and start riding again

And I can't find no true love, oh baby, it's so hard
And I still think about you every time I'm riding in my car

And I can't find no true love, oh baby, it's so hard
And I still think about you every time I'm riding in my car

Utter Fail

There is something I utterly and horribly fail at. This would be internet dating. I am not able to woo people online. I don't have time to email. I don't get any emails. I get a ton of winks. However, I just think winks are lame. I'm sick of all the winks and I'm rejected in real life enough. I guess this is why I don't do online dating. I would like to go on lots of dates. Would someone please give me lessons on how this online dating things works.

Running in the Rain

I finished my second half marathon today. It was rainy and fun, but not as much fun as I usually have running. I mean I totally tweaked my knee on Wednesday and that was not so fun. I ran 10 miles great and then I just well... I don't know. I finished in a respectable time 2:15:28 (pretty good since I walked a bit). Slower then I would have liked, but I finished and have a medal and will be signing up for it again next year. I'm on to my next race which I need to find.

Enough With the Winks

So... I joined match.com again. I think I mentioned this. I'm not entirely sure why but I am so sick of all the winks I get. I'm sorry I'm not going to email you. Grow some balls and make the first move (a wink is not a move imo). Also winks are free. I'm not going to waste my time emailing someone if I'm not sure they don't pay for an account. I know it's putting yourself out there the whole email thing, but you are on a online freaking dating site. Am I wrong to think this...

Guess who is at home on the couch this Saturday night. I'm trying to be good since I'm running 13.1 miles tomorrow in the rain and things are just getting to me.

Have You Ever...

Wanted to write to someone the absolute truth of everything. To just get your feelings out there to the actual person. Knowing full well that they are never going to email you back because they have already written you off as a crazy desperate person, though you are none of these things. Part of you wants to write because you know you are not and you want to tell them this, but know writing this proves you are. There is no future here. Why is it worth pursuing? However, there is just a little part of you that goes well what if... Your life could be a movie. Why not? I blame Lifetime... I'm only watching realistic depressing movies from now on.

I'm not going to do anything as crazy as what I'm writing (at least as long as I'm sober and I have safety measures to make sure no drunken email/text get sent). Blogging I guess is out there enough. Please someone save me from myself.

Thank God marathon training starts in a week! ;)

Half Marathon Number 2

I'm running my second half marathon tomorrow. I was thinking today on why I started running this. It's funny because what it comes down to is rejection and a feeling of being lost. Running gave something back to me and when I feel myself losing it all over again I often see it is because I haven't been running. I need to run at least 15-20 miles to keep my sanity in tack. That isn't really all that much it is about 3 4 mile runs and a long run on the weekend. Ideally I'm running 25-30 miles a week.

I signed up for this half marathon because I have registered for a marathon in October and needed something to get me going again. It is so nice to be back out running and as perdicted my life seems to be clicking back into place again. I really shouldn't be surprised by this. It isn't all that unexpected.

Anyways it's nice to see that out of rejection and total lack of direction some good things do come.

Sometimes I Wonder

I recently just rejoined a couple dating sites. I'm not sure why. I don't really like dating sites. I feel like they are so personal and yet utterly impersonal. I have never had any luck and am still (yes, still) hung up on a guy I dated from one of them for a couple months a year ago. I don't know why I keep putting myself out there. It just sucks. I'm so tired of trying and trying and getting rejected and told I'm just not good enough. I got enough of this when I was younger. I wish that I could get a more honest answer. At least when I was younger I had constructive criticism instead of "I'm just not ready for this" and weeks later seeing said guy with a new girlfriend. I have thick skin tell me the truth.

Well, said guy is now back on Match and I think we can take one guess at what he is looking for on there. I am just so sick of this liking him and feeling like well we are suppose to be together. Ugh, I so do not mean that but still there is something I don't really know how to describe. I'm sorry this makes no sense and I hate that I sound like a cheesy girl. I hate that this makes no sense what so ever and it makes me look like some crazy desperate girl. I hate that I keep making a fool out of myself because of him. I've liked guys before that I have known for a lot longer, but well it doesn't really matter now does it.

Anyways, I'm sorry I wrote this post, but it has been on my mind. Thanks for listening.

P.S I know move on to bigger and better things. I know that is logical and what I am suppose to be doing, but well for some reason I just can't.

I Had Something to Share

I totally had something to write in this blog today. It was going to be meaningful and super well written. However, I completely forgot what it was I was going to share. Here's hoping it comes back to me and I become a literary genius this week :)

On another note I have gotten a few blogging awards over the year of blogging and I haven't really passed these on. It isn't because I don't love all my blogging friends I just haven't sat down and thought about what I want to award the people I don't know but mean the world to me. If it wasn't for this blog I think I may well still be in the funk I was in last April. So, here is a big thanks to all you out there that cheer me on. You mean the world to me!

Looking for a Beginning

I have something that I want to post, but I'm not sure I really want to post it. I kind of feel a little foolish even thinking about doing this, so until I decide what I'm going to do and see what happens if I do it I'm just going to keep mum about it. Super surprising because I'm a blabber mouth on the internet and in person. We'll see how long this last.

Give It Another Go

Quick update. Things are kind of still going on with Austrian Guy, but tonight I took the plunge and reactivated my Okcupid profile. I hate online dating, but I figured why not. We'll see what happens this time around. I have zero expectations, but really I need more then flirty text messages when we are both bored... In a perfect world I live in DC and Austrian Guy is over his ex and realizes how awesome I am. Perhaps the perfect world will happen, but until then I have to keep my options open because well this isn't a perfect world...

Talent

People are so talented. I am so impressed by everyone's creativity and their creativity makes me feel less alone. I wish I could express myself the way some others do. Check this site out and click around on where the images come from. It is a great way to spend a few hours :)

The Saga Continues

I have been in this um relationship thingy with the Austrian Boy. I texted him like a week and half ago and we have pretty much texted something everyday since then. I've tried to no text and then he just sends me something random. I had an awful day yesterday and sent him a text that was not typical of me. Then sent and apology because I felt bad for sending him such a downer text. I vowed I wouldn't text till his birthday this week. However he had other plans, the first thing he did when he got out of work was text me to see if my day was better. I was surprised because I figured if I didn't text him he wouldn't text me.

The question is what the heck are we doing? This is a strange relationship and I'm not even sure what is really going on here. It's better then nothing, right? As I write this we are having one of our hour long texting sessions. :)

You Know

It was a strange weekend and I wish I was anywhere but here.

Jumping

There are many things that I am about to be embarking on. I usually am not that afraid of starting new projects. However, I usually start projects that I'm only about 70-80% passionate about and that I am either fairly sure I will either be successful at it or not really care if I'm not. Part of this is that I'm terified to do what I really want to do and fail at it. Yet, in this day and age it seems like just being eh about what you do isn't really all that great. I made a vow to myself that if I ever looked miserable when I was going to work then I would not do that anymore. Well I guess the time has come to put my passion to work for me. I'm keeping semi mum about what I will be doing because well I don't want anyone stealing my idea and I don't want to jinx myself.

The other jump I want to address is the one that comes from my over analysis of things. Erik made an excellent points with his comment about putting yourself out there. Taking action instead of just sitting and hoping the other person will make the first move or get the hint. The only problem is that I think we all have a crippling fear of rejection. I would like to say I will take this plunge and tell the person I currently like that I like him instead of playing games. However, I don't want to hear the words "I am just not ready" or "I don't feel the same way, but you are a great girl." I know this is a cowardly thing to do and I'll never really find what I'm looking for in a personal relationship if I don't put myself out there like this. Who knows if I move closer maybe I will put myself out there, but for now I'm just going to occasionally remind him I exist. When the time is right I'll take the plunge, and hopefully the timing will be right soon. If not I guess I'll have learned my lesson and say to heck with timing on the next one.

So There's That

We all know I had the non date date with Austrian Guy while I was on vacation. It wasn't even a little bit akward. I opened with the fact that Rick the Homeless man who gets 500 dollars in April from some man offered to marry me. Austrian Guy had never heard of this happening to anyone before. I informed him it happens to me all the time. I told him I'm a catch, but only homeless men seem to know this. Then we proceed to go look at impresionst paintings, and respectively we were both witty. We got some good laughs out of the whole thing. Then instead of getting a drink I said why don't we go for a walk around the Cherry Blossoms. We shared some stories and it was a very nice time. I had to run off to dinner with my best friend at 7, but really longer the 3 hours probably would have been to long. We hugged goodbye and then talked for another 15 minutes. I guess that is a good sign.

However, I am more confused now then I was before we had our non date. I texted him the following day, but he had made plans already. We promised to keep in touch, but I was just not sure how we would do this. We had some funny conversations on our get together and today I saw something that I thought perhaps he would find funny so I texted him. For the record I hate texting boys even ones I had non dates with who seem semi interested. I worry that they think I'm becoming this clingy girl, but he texted right back with a very amusing response. We continued to text for the next 3 hours here is my favorite text:

Austrian Guy: I'm in the elevator with a lady who is asking me if I'm Russian. This is the second time she has asked me this
Me: I'm pretending to be Jewish and pretending today is Passover.
Austrian Guy: I'm doing laundry in a tight black shirt that says "Sex, Crime, Money" (my friend bought it for me because he thought it was funny). You should see the looks I'm getting from the neighbors. Hilarious.
Me: No wonder they think you are Russian

I don't know what is going on here. I guess we are friends? I mean I live 4 hours away and I probably wont be seeing him anytime soon. He is still slightly hung up on his ex girlfriend so all and all I guess what we have going is better then me being the rebound. However, I kind of feel like I am the rebound. Can you be a long distance rebound? Was this flirty texting? Does it ever work out if you are the rebound? What do you all think of this?

Time May Change Me

I'm thinking that a move is in order and I think I may pursue my dream of starting something I have always wanted to do. This is freaking me out but I've been treading water in NYC and I just don't think it is working for me anymore. It is time for me to do what I want to do and this freaks me out a little, but when we look back on life you don't really want to have regrets. I'm just nervous because what I am going to be doing is nothing that I have studied or ever really thought I would do. I get worried because I am afraid of taking this chance and often get discouraged, but my friend and I have a plan and it is going to work because when you really want something it will happen.

A Bit Of Something Awesome

I love pretty much anything these girls do. YouTube them they rock.

To Text or not to Text...

So all I had a fantastic day today in DC and have come to the conclusion that NYC is no longer the right place for me. DC may not be the right place for me either, but after being in DC something felt so much more right. I don't know if that makes sense but things seem so much more settled here then in NYC. I realized there is a life and a good life for me to come back to. Whenever I think of DC I think of the bad part not the good part. I don't remember the awesome people and the fact that this city is so beautiful.

Anyways today was also the non date date. I meet Austrian Boy at the Corcoran Art Gallery and he was very handsome. He bought us tickets. There was not much of awkwardness at all. We had an hour to tour the gallery and it was amazing. Then we had an option of grabbing a drink, but I said it is so nice out why don't we walk. We walked around the monuments and the cherry blossoms and then he walked me to the metro. I had a dinner with my best friend planned so...

Anyways now I don't know what to do. I think it was a date but it might not have been one. My friends husband told me I should have invited him to dinner. Then said I should text him and apologize not inviting him to dinner but I thought that would be weird. I think I like him. I wish I lived closer. Do I text or email a thank you? Do I invite him out on Friday night? What the heck did I just do?

Wine is evil...

Last night I went to a wonderful comedy show and then out with my best friend. I think we consumed a bottle and half of wine each. Wine is not a fun thing to be hungover with. Wine also is the worst alcoholic beverage for me to consume. It makes me be um not me. I despise this. I try to stay away from drinking, but sometimes you want break from life and just one glass wont hurt. Then the comedy show requires you to get two ridiculously priced drinks or you can just get a bottle of wine which is about the same price as two of those drinks. Then your friend says lets go to that bar next door you have plenty of time to pack. Then three hours later and three more glasses of wine you are sitting in the back of the taxi tweeting something about the guy you try not to think about and actually using his name (not that it matters as he doesn't actually have anything to do with you anymore). I woke up 7 hours later deleted the tweet (at least it wasn't an email?) and head off on vacation swearing as I always do that I will not drink ever again...

Um does this make sense?

I'm applying to Hunter College for their counseling program and have to write a personal statement. Here is what they say I have to write:

"Please write a statement of purpose of approximately 500 words (750 for Studio Art and Playwriting Applicants) indicating your objectives in undertaking graduate study."

Here is what I have written:

Have you ever sat down and meditated on what you want and who you want to be? It is a skill many try to master, but often we get caught up in pleasing others. We crave the approval of our parents and our friends often keeping us from pursuing our dreams. This is what happened to me. I was caught up in living the dreams other people and I forgot what I wanted to do.
Sixteen years ago I had a dream of becoming a counselor to adolescents just like me. I wanted to help other teens with eating disorders and broken families realize that they were not alone. However, instead of pursuing this dream I was lured to another field. I was happy with this field. I was sure that I wanted to be in politics and become a lawyer. This would prove to everyone how worthy I was and how smart. Yet, my heart wasn’t in it and after a year as a legal assistant and a few years at graduate school I could not continue to live someone else’s dream for me. It was time for me to figure out what I wanted to be.
After a few years of time off, focusing on who I am, I realized that I am the happiest when I am helping other people with their problems. Over the years I have worked as an adviser to high school and college students and find that working in this capacity has made me the happiest. During this time I was also able to focus on the issues that I have with food. I worked hard and managed to lose seventy pounds and as I began to look at what I want to do in the future I realized that I wanted to meld these two worlds together. I realized that my desire to help adolescents melds well with my passion of living a healthy and whole life. This is why I have decided to pursue a career in counseling and hope that someday I will be able to have a positive effect on how people see themselves and the world around them.

Does this make sense or do I need to go back to the drawing board? I hate applying to schools...

The Saga Continues

So the day is drawing closer to my vacation and tentative plans have been made with Facebook Boyfriend. The question now is is it a date and what do I wear? I am going into it like it is most likely a date, but now to get your advice.

He emailed me today with a suggestion of meeting at the hotel he manages and he would bring me to the rooftop. This hotel is one of the best hotels in DC let alone the world and people pay good money to get on top of this roof.
This is pretty much what I will be seeing granted with less green but about this time of day. Then we are going to grab a drink. I mean that is pretty date like to me. I want it to be a date. Is it crazy to want it to be a date? This is going to be either really awkward or really awesome.

Now on to wardrobe I plan on wearing this top
With my jeggings, yes I own a pair of jeggings and a blazer. Maybe the necklace and the ring, but probably just the ring. I'll go lighter on the eye makeup and wear a darker lip. Thoughts?

Anyways this is the most recent update. I'll add the next chapter when I have time to write about it. Wish me luck :)

My Facebook Boyfriend

Recently I've been addicted for Facebook. It isn't for the procrastination reasons or to keep up with friends. Somehow since December I've been having a Facebook relationship. I have started chatting with this guy I know who lives in DC and almost everyday we have some sort of interaction. Sometimes I initiate it sometimes he does. I feel lonely and upset if I don't hear from him.

I have written about this briefly before. I met Austrian boy in 2006 when I was working at an immigration law firm. The first day I saw him I kind of fell in love with him. He is sweet and from one of my most favorite places in the whole world. The first time I went to Austria I feel in love with it. When I moved to NYC we kind of said we would keep in touch. We didn't. He added me to facebook at some point in the past few years. I remember getting the request and looking at his profile and just smiling about that cute Austrian guy I once knew. He had a girlfriend and lived in DC so basically you know just fun to see he remembered me.

Anyways in December he liked one of my statuses. I thought that was interesting. I then went and checked out his profile. He had broken up with his girlfriend. I also thought why not comment on something. Thus, the cycle began. Almost everyday since December, unless one of us in on vacation, we have liked/commented/messaged each other. I get sad if I don't have something from him on my Facebook notifications. My friends and I have now started calling this my Facebook relationship or as I like to say we are each other's nothing. He is filling a void and I like the attention. I'm not sure what is going on really. It would be one thing if we actually knew each other but we don't. Facebook is confusing me. I don't know what to do. I find that if I have a bad day I need to post something so he will cheer me up and if he is having a bad day I have to cheer him up. If I go for a long run I like to get a message from him saying good job. He emailed me after he ran his race and gave me a blow by blow and told me he thought about what I said. Ending that we should keep in touch. I just want to be like dude I'm falling in like with you. I don't even know you.

Hopefully if all goes as planned we will be meeting at some point in 2 weeks. I don't really know what is going on. I think that at the very least we will be friends. He is still fairly devastated at the break up of his last relationship. I just want to know if we actually get along. I'm not sure if I like the social networking thing. I want a real boyfriend. A part of me is crossing my fingers that this happens... You know stranger things have happened. Just putting it out there. I would like to actually date Austrian boy even though he lives in DC and even if it doesn't change anything all that much.

Today is a Day for Boots...

I have waited multiple winters and springs and gone through seasons with wet feet because I just don't get the point of spending money on shoes that are not that pretty. Today, after trekking around the Upper East Side in Uggs (Which I hate but they were all I had.), I had to concede and let mother nature win. I need a pair of boots that can withstand a northeastern winter. All my other boots (granted they all were on the clearance rack and I only spent a total of $75 on 4 pairs in the last 4 years) sprung holes within the first few months and are useless to me. I had resigned myself to one more winter with wet cold feet, but then this wonderful blizzard evil winter storm hit and I realized I had to do something. I mean really 4 days of snow and rain and wind and walking 3 children around NYC. What is a girl to do? I was forced to go and purchase real boots. I bought my very first pair of Wellies (I was promised they would last at least 5 years). I also got some wonderful pink polar fleece socks that go with my green wellies. I love them they make my feet happy and in the grand scheme of things all you really need are happy feet.

Vacation

For the first time in a long time I'm going to DC to visit my friends. I am actually taking a vacation that is longer the 3 days in a location that has no family... Well almost no family members. I'm so excited I cannot wait to go. :) Hopefully I will also get to see Austrian/Facebook boy.

Valentine's Day

It's my birthday and before I go to sleep for the night I just want to say you have all made this year a great and wonderful year. I don't think I would have made it without my blog friends. On this Valentine's Day know I love you.

:)

Oh no...

What is a girl to do when she finds herself majorly crushing on a Facebook friend she hasn't seen in 5 years? Also one that wasn't that much of a friend. I just find myself posting things as my status in hopes that he will comment... Oh man...

So...

I've decided to start writing again. I mean the creative kind. I use to write all the time. I had journals of stories. I don't know when I stopped and I don't really know how to start again. I have dyslexia and this often makes me scarred to write. I get nervous about writing and sharing it. I worry about grammar because that is also something I utterly fail at. However, writing is something that makes me happy. I may start posting things on here. They will all be rough drafts most likely, but I am going to put myself out there and see what happens.

It's Been A Long Month

January has been a long month. I have a new job. I am still going to be nannying but about 20 hours less a week for more money. The hope is that I finish my masters degree. Honestly not sure what I am going to do. With more time for myself I am just hoping to figure it out.

The reason for the new job is kind of two fold. I needed a new job because I was burnt out with this one. The other reason is that my family I work for currently is moving to California and both the family and I realized that I shouldn't move with them. The past two years have been wonderful. I have worked with an amazing little girl. I have cried a lot this past month because for the past two years I have put this ahead of what I need to do for myself. I loved what I was doing so I stayed even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. I made excuse and put my life on hold because this job is easy. I am naturally good at playing with children and I love teaching then and watching them learn. It isn't what I want to... I didn't think the next job I got was going to be working with another family. I'm feeling a little frustrated. Deep sigh, deep breath...

So I go into February with a new job and starting a new year of life. Hopefully things will settle down.

Should I...

Move back to DC?

Oh Crap!

Ok so I accidentally sent an email requesting someone to be my friend on twitter. I then promptly deleted my twitter account. Over reaction? I think not. I know it will still be sent, but, um well, he will ignore it anyways. I really don't like this guy anymore anyways, right? I mean it has been almost a year we only dated for like a month and half, maybe. How did he get under my skin so much? I really hate it. I can't describe how much I hate the fact that I still like him. It often makes me want to scream. I haven't talked about him or written about him in months. I've gone on dates, hooked up with other people, but still I like him. Still he is always in the back of my mind. I don't tell people this. I want to run into him on the street. I know it is crazy. I don't want to like him. I don't want to think about him. I want him to disappear. I wish he never existed. I wish that I never meet him. I wish that I could email him and get him to be in my life in some capacity again. Everything I have been doing I have been doing to get him off of my mind. Thank goodness I'll be training for another marathon soon. That will be good. For now I just need to focus on something other then this guy who is not going to be in my life and never really was. blah...

Wow! That Surprised Me

Today I went to an open house for a graduate program I probably shouldn't apply to. The open house confirmed this. The thing is that now I feel a little lost as this is what I was hoping would kind of save me... If in doubt go back to school.

The thing is what I did afterward is call a friend and vented about everything. What surprised me is the friend that I called. It wasn't my college roommate or my oldest college friend. It was my closest NYC friend. I don't know how it happened, but I have a new best friend. I have a new friend that is my go to friend. It is like the last thing that kept me from being completely NYC is gone. It was strange, but as it hit me that I didn't call one of the other two but called my new friend I started to cry. I don't know why. It is like I'm closing a chapter on my life. It is happening now. It has been happening for the past few month and today just confirmed this. I am not my old self. I am not the person who came her 3 years ago. I am who I wanted to be, but not 100% complete. Are we ever? I'm still growing, but I'm less afraid of it. I'm less afraid of being alone. I'm sure I can muddle through any of my problems and I'm sure I will figure it all out.

That being said I am not moving to California. I have been letting this job keep me from doing things for myself. I have kept it because I have been afraid of starting out on a new career and failing again. I have to. I can't hide behind I need a job. I do need a job but I need to have something that grows with me. I guess tonight surprised me for lots of reasons and most of all I'm just scared because I'm realizing all of these things and I'm terrified of what is going to come next.